Reaching OUT
I read where someone wrote: My son has been gone for 2 years, yet it is so hard to reach out..to call for help...I wonder Do we all somewhat feel this way? I feel that I do..and I wonder if it is because ones we thought we were so close too don't really know how we feel...For ones that have not lost a child for them they grieve with us for a short period of time and then it is back to their normal life...which we, we don't have that normal life to go back too...
I was at a Bible Study last night at our church and the subject was on prayer..How do you feel when _________(you fill in the blank)you prayer was not answered...
Now I am the only one in the class who has lost their child and it took all I could to bite my tongue and not say anything...What did I want to say..."Until you lost your child, you will really have no ideal how to fill in the space for that question...Me, I still can't fill it in...When I think of the faith I felt I had...when I still feel the sting of death hanging over my mind my body my soul...I can't say as some would say..."God knows best", or in time we will know the why's" I am sure I use to be one of those too who gave those kind of answers...because I had not felt this horrible sting I feel now..
I think that is why I don't reach out to others...to the people I call my friends outside of FMO, they just don't understand....so if I reached out to them now, which I tried in the early beginning...and even then they had no concept of what it felt like...the answers were like "go walk your dog".."get a hobby" ..do something to get you mind off it",,after some time I knew reaching out did nothing for me but hurt...me more but I don't want them to ever feel this pain...but I want them to somehow to know what I feel...but I know they don't...they never will(at least I hope), so I find that I don't reach out...
As I read that statement, I realized that now I have become someone that I feel wears the mask more than I did in the beginning...The Mask began as something I felt I wore to hid my pain...Now I wear the Mask so I don't feel more pain..for there is no one who can understand my pain, my hurt, ..They do not understand that the pain of the loss of my child for me is just as fresh as it was the night he left this world...
Now I feel my mask is my shield...for with my shield...I hurt behind my mask, behind my shield for no matter how I would try to explain, how I would try to get them to understand...they don't and never will so not only does the mask protect me from those who do not understand, who can not relate, but the shield protects me from the added pain...It does not mean I don't want to reach out...I want them to understand...I need them to understand..yet now 19 months later, I know they still don't and it takes more than the mask to protect myself...it take a shield to totally protect me from the added pain.
So how could I answe that question they asked last night...how would I fill in the blank...I really don't know...I want to say, I know God understands and I know that one day I will understand...but right now...I don't even think I could fill in the blank...for I know that the sting of my son's death is still raw and fresh...and even if I tried to reach out to others...they just would not understand....
Before Dec 30, 2009...I would have been like them..I would not understand that losing a child..it goes, the pain, it goes on forever..Somedays it is easier than others..yet it always comes back strong to haunt us..to keep us from understanding how something like this could happen...and now how can I fill in the blanks...when I don't understand this pain and the why's it happened...
So last night, I just did what I think was what I should have done...I just said nothing..deep in my heart, my soul, my mind, I knew that they would not understand no matter how I tried to explain it...maybe they would try...but I know they couldn't understand what this pain feels like...that no matter what I would do..no matter how busy I can be..no matter what...that pain is still there and will continue to raise it's ugly head and let me know my son is now dead...that horrible fateful night 19 months ago...my life changed forever and now I look at things differently..Maybe one time I could have sat in a class and felt the answers I heard last night be truth...but now I know it's different...I know I can not fill in those blanks..
I no longer find answers to that question to fill in the blank to the question? "How do you feel___________________when your prayer is not answered?"
Can you fill in the blank...I found most fill in the blank so we all will feel positive...but to really fill in the blank how I really feel...I really don't think most people would understand...So I just kept it all bottled up inside me and did not once again reach out!
Sandi
I was at a Bible Study last night at our church and the subject was on prayer..How do you feel when _________(you fill in the blank)you prayer was not answered...
Now I am the only one in the class who has lost their child and it took all I could to bite my tongue and not say anything...What did I want to say..."Until you lost your child, you will really have no ideal how to fill in the space for that question...Me, I still can't fill it in...When I think of the faith I felt I had...when I still feel the sting of death hanging over my mind my body my soul...I can't say as some would say..."God knows best", or in time we will know the why's" I am sure I use to be one of those too who gave those kind of answers...because I had not felt this horrible sting I feel now..
I think that is why I don't reach out to others...to the people I call my friends outside of FMO, they just don't understand....so if I reached out to them now, which I tried in the early beginning...and even then they had no concept of what it felt like...the answers were like "go walk your dog".."get a hobby" ..do something to get you mind off it",,after some time I knew reaching out did nothing for me but hurt...me more but I don't want them to ever feel this pain...but I want them to somehow to know what I feel...but I know they don't...they never will(at least I hope), so I find that I don't reach out...
As I read that statement, I realized that now I have become someone that I feel wears the mask more than I did in the beginning...The Mask began as something I felt I wore to hid my pain...Now I wear the Mask so I don't feel more pain..for there is no one who can understand my pain, my hurt, ..They do not understand that the pain of the loss of my child for me is just as fresh as it was the night he left this world...
Now I feel my mask is my shield...for with my shield...I hurt behind my mask, behind my shield for no matter how I would try to explain, how I would try to get them to understand...they don't and never will so not only does the mask protect me from those who do not understand, who can not relate, but the shield protects me from the added pain...It does not mean I don't want to reach out...I want them to understand...I need them to understand..yet now 19 months later, I know they still don't and it takes more than the mask to protect myself...it take a shield to totally protect me from the added pain.
So how could I answe that question they asked last night...how would I fill in the blank...I really don't know...I want to say, I know God understands and I know that one day I will understand...but right now...I don't even think I could fill in the blank...for I know that the sting of my son's death is still raw and fresh...and even if I tried to reach out to others...they just would not understand....
Before Dec 30, 2009...I would have been like them..I would not understand that losing a child..it goes, the pain, it goes on forever..Somedays it is easier than others..yet it always comes back strong to haunt us..to keep us from understanding how something like this could happen...and now how can I fill in the blanks...when I don't understand this pain and the why's it happened...
So last night, I just did what I think was what I should have done...I just said nothing..deep in my heart, my soul, my mind, I knew that they would not understand no matter how I tried to explain it...maybe they would try...but I know they couldn't understand what this pain feels like...that no matter what I would do..no matter how busy I can be..no matter what...that pain is still there and will continue to raise it's ugly head and let me know my son is now dead...that horrible fateful night 19 months ago...my life changed forever and now I look at things differently..Maybe one time I could have sat in a class and felt the answers I heard last night be truth...but now I know it's different...I know I can not fill in those blanks..
I no longer find answers to that question to fill in the blank to the question? "How do you feel___________________when your prayer is not answered?"
Can you fill in the blank...I found most fill in the blank so we all will feel positive...but to really fill in the blank how I really feel...I really don't think most people would understand...So I just kept it all bottled up inside me and did not once again reach out!
Sandi
Replies
Sandi, last night began our church study that I lead called \"When Your World Falls Apart\"...I questioned whether I was ready for such a task but have received an affirmation that I certainly have the credentials of sorts to empathize with others who are grieving whatever that may be. In the beginning of my loss of Brandon...I would have gone insane had I not REACHED out for help....only after I RECEIVED that help that I so desperately needed was I able to reach out and GIVE help to others. Here is a verse that mean much to me after all is said and done:
\" Now you are going through pain, but I shall see you again and your hearts will thrill with joy ~ the joy that no one can take away from you ~ and on that day you will not ask Me any questions.\"...John 16: 19-20, 22-23
Take hold of what you know to be true in your faith and belief .....and do not bottle up your questions and emotions. It is okay to have both and to express them. I always prayed that God would not allow me to outlive any of my family but that did not happen. I trust that He has control over my life and death...that goes for my son, too....and my son trusted God. I know I will see him again because I BELIEVE...for now, I rely on God to get me through life and the cruel sadness that comes nearly every day. I thank Him for the peace between those times and His promises of everlasting life with my family...Eternity is a lot longer than the NOW we are in. God bless you ....love, dale...brandon\'s mom
Because of that question or the feelings it brought up I did not attend any faith service for 2 years.. it was only through the nudging of my husband that I have started attending church again and even then it is not with pureness of spirit or whatever I had prior to 9/2/08.
I agree, everyone outside FMO expects us to have \'gotten on with our lives\" but I guess I still don;t know what that life is supposed to be with this hole in it. Because jenn is not here my family is 10000% different.
My husband won\'t go back to shul, either. He\'s angry with G-d, depressed, not keeping appointments with his therapist. I don\'t have enough energy for both of us. Just getting up and out is a challenge these days. I try to be interested in new people and ideas. I go to classes to expand my circle. Still, the only ones who understand our loss is here and at The Compassionate Friends. I went there last night and felt better when I came home. Other women who lost their children about when I did, did all the right things, and still the children died. My son died. I\'d thought if he\'d been to the right Dr. he would have survived. Seems not to be so. love ya, abby
I feel that way too! somedays I think I\'m going to go bonkers right here(wherever) & I say to myself \"not until you get home\" stupid Huh? I don\'t know how to get that pain out of my gut. I go to therapy but I feel I have gone as far as I can there. I guess we\'ll always have a hole in our lives. Take care, Love Susan
Sandi, I find this journal entry so amazing. You have such a gift of putting down into words what you are feeling in your heart, mind and soul. And what you wrote is so much of what I am really feeling inside also. It will be 2 years for me on October 15, 2009, when my son left this world, and my whole world turned upside down and inside out. And I know it will never be the same. And I also wear my Mask, especially at work. No one there wants to know how I really feel so I leave it inside. I\'m still trying to find a stable balance but it\'s been a challenge to say the least. Thank you, Sandi, for a very heartfelt and thought provoking journal. Sending you my love and a tight understanding hug. Diane
No one will understand fully what you feel. I also have a mask for work that makes everyone around feel easier. My work suffers so I get talked to alot at work but I try to shrug it off, it is hard. I guess life is not supposed to be easy. One of the girls at work lost her brother so she shows more concern and can look at my face and see I just need a hug.
I cannot fill in those blanks either. I just have to belive...
Hugs Penny