Reaching OUT
I read where someone wrote: My son has been gone for 2 years, yet it is so hard to reach out..to call for help...I wonder Do we all somewhat feel this way? I feel that I do..and I wonder if it is because ones we thought we were so close too don't really know how we feel...For ones that have not lost a child for them they grieve with us for a short period of time and then it is back to their normal life...which we, we don't have that normal life to go back too...
I was at a Bible Study last night at our church and the subject was on prayer..How do you feel when _________(you fill in the blank)you prayer was not answered...
Now I am the only one in the class who has lost their child and it took all I could to bite my tongue and not say anything...What did I want to say..."Until you lost your child, you will really have no ideal how to fill in the space for that question...Me, I still can't fill it in...When I think of the faith I felt I had...when I still feel the sting of death hanging over my mind my body my soul...I can't say as some would say..."God knows best", or in time we will know the why's" I am sure I use to be one of those too who gave those kind of answers...because I had not felt this horrible sting I feel now..
I think that is why I don't reach out to others...to the people I call my friends outside of FMO, they just don't understand....so if I reached out to them now, which I tried in the early beginning...and even then they had no concept of what it felt like...the answers were like "go walk your dog".."get a hobby" ..do something to get you mind off it",,after some time I knew reaching out did nothing for me but hurt...me more but I don't want them to ever feel this pain...but I want them to somehow to know what I feel...but I know they don't...they never will(at least I hope), so I find that I don't reach out...
As I read that statement, I realized that now I have become someone that I feel wears the mask more than I did in the beginning...The Mask began as something I felt I wore to hid my pain...Now I wear the Mask so I don't feel more pain..for there is no one who can understand my pain, my hurt, ..They do not understand that the pain of the loss of my child for me is just as fresh as it was the night he left this world...
Now I feel my mask is my shield...for with my shield...I hurt behind my mask, behind my shield for no matter how I would try to explain, how I would try to get them to understand...they don't and never will so not only does the mask protect me from those who do not understand, who can not relate, but the shield protects me from the added pain...It does not mean I don't want to reach out...I want them to understand...I need them to understand..yet now 19 months later, I know they still don't and it takes more than the mask to protect myself...it take a shield to totally protect me from the added pain.
So how could I answe that question they asked last night...how would I fill in the blank...I really don't know...I want to say, I know God understands and I know that one day I will understand...but right now...I don't even think I could fill in the blank...for I know that the sting of my son's death is still raw and fresh...and even if I tried to reach out to others...they just would not understand....
Before Dec 30, 2009...I would have been like them..I would not understand that losing a child..it goes, the pain, it goes on forever..Somedays it is easier than others..yet it always comes back strong to haunt us..to keep us from understanding how something like this could happen...and now how can I fill in the blanks...when I don't understand this pain and the why's it happened...
So last night, I just did what I think was what I should have done...I just said nothing..deep in my heart, my soul, my mind, I knew that they would not understand no matter how I tried to explain it...maybe they would try...but I know they couldn't understand what this pain feels like...that no matter what I would do..no matter how busy I can be..no matter what...that pain is still there and will continue to raise it's ugly head and let me know my son is now dead...that horrible fateful night 19 months ago...my life changed forever and now I look at things differently..Maybe one time I could have sat in a class and felt the answers I heard last night be truth...but now I know it's different...I know I can not fill in those blanks..
I no longer find answers to that question to fill in the blank to the question? "How do you feel___________________when your prayer is not answered?"
Can you fill in the blank...I found most fill in the blank so we all will feel positive...but to really fill in the blank how I really feel...I really don't think most people would understand...So I just kept it all bottled up inside me and did not once again reach out!
Sandi
I was at a Bible Study last night at our church and the subject was on prayer..How do you feel when _________(you fill in the blank)you prayer was not answered...
Now I am the only one in the class who has lost their child and it took all I could to bite my tongue and not say anything...What did I want to say..."Until you lost your child, you will really have no ideal how to fill in the space for that question...Me, I still can't fill it in...When I think of the faith I felt I had...when I still feel the sting of death hanging over my mind my body my soul...I can't say as some would say..."God knows best", or in time we will know the why's" I am sure I use to be one of those too who gave those kind of answers...because I had not felt this horrible sting I feel now..
I think that is why I don't reach out to others...to the people I call my friends outside of FMO, they just don't understand....so if I reached out to them now, which I tried in the early beginning...and even then they had no concept of what it felt like...the answers were like "go walk your dog".."get a hobby" ..do something to get you mind off it",,after some time I knew reaching out did nothing for me but hurt...me more but I don't want them to ever feel this pain...but I want them to somehow to know what I feel...but I know they don't...they never will(at least I hope), so I find that I don't reach out...
As I read that statement, I realized that now I have become someone that I feel wears the mask more than I did in the beginning...The Mask began as something I felt I wore to hid my pain...Now I wear the Mask so I don't feel more pain..for there is no one who can understand my pain, my hurt, ..They do not understand that the pain of the loss of my child for me is just as fresh as it was the night he left this world...
Now I feel my mask is my shield...for with my shield...I hurt behind my mask, behind my shield for no matter how I would try to explain, how I would try to get them to understand...they don't and never will so not only does the mask protect me from those who do not understand, who can not relate, but the shield protects me from the added pain...It does not mean I don't want to reach out...I want them to understand...I need them to understand..yet now 19 months later, I know they still don't and it takes more than the mask to protect myself...it take a shield to totally protect me from the added pain.
So how could I answe that question they asked last night...how would I fill in the blank...I really don't know...I want to say, I know God understands and I know that one day I will understand...but right now...I don't even think I could fill in the blank...for I know that the sting of my son's death is still raw and fresh...and even if I tried to reach out to others...they just would not understand....
Before Dec 30, 2009...I would have been like them..I would not understand that losing a child..it goes, the pain, it goes on forever..Somedays it is easier than others..yet it always comes back strong to haunt us..to keep us from understanding how something like this could happen...and now how can I fill in the blanks...when I don't understand this pain and the why's it happened...
So last night, I just did what I think was what I should have done...I just said nothing..deep in my heart, my soul, my mind, I knew that they would not understand no matter how I tried to explain it...maybe they would try...but I know they couldn't understand what this pain feels like...that no matter what I would do..no matter how busy I can be..no matter what...that pain is still there and will continue to raise it's ugly head and let me know my son is now dead...that horrible fateful night 19 months ago...my life changed forever and now I look at things differently..Maybe one time I could have sat in a class and felt the answers I heard last night be truth...but now I know it's different...I know I can not fill in those blanks..
I no longer find answers to that question to fill in the blank to the question? "How do you feel___________________when your prayer is not answered?"
Can you fill in the blank...I found most fill in the blank so we all will feel positive...but to really fill in the blank how I really feel...I really don't think most people would understand...So I just kept it all bottled up inside me and did not once again reach out!
Sandi
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