re: Isolation

You know, I'm back to a little over 30 days sobriety and I'm just feeling a bit of disconnect.  Maybe it's because now I'm working a second job, maybe it's because I dropped the loser boyfriend, maybe because I started working out everyday-fuck I don't know.  But it's like I'm getting this twinge of self-sufficiency back.  Don't get me wrong-I'm not blowing people off, I still like to reach out.  I still NEED people.  It's a selfish need, though.  I want to talk when I want to talk.  I want to go out and socialize when I want to go out.  And I want to get laid when I want to get laid.  What's wrong with that? There is something empty about it, I'll admit.  It's been sooo long since I've had my shit together that I almost forgot what it feels like.  This week, I ate for under $40.  Cooked and everything.  Every day!  I'm single...I live alone...yes, with cats...and I don't fucking cook.  Finally my back was against the wall and I just didn't have the funds to be a frivolous idiot.  So I l-e-a-r-n-e-d something.  Imagine that.  And you know what?  It felt pretty amazing.  I haven't felt "pride" in I don't know when.  Working out?  Yeah-every day also.  I haven't worked out every day in 6 years.  I haven't gotten sick or worn out either (I have an autoimmune disease so that's an important side-note).   I was reliable.  You would've tried to use that word in conjunction with my name to one of my co-workers over two weeks ago and they would've laughed in your face.  Hard.  The only thing with this newfound (or is it re-found?  hmmm) discipline is that I'm sensing some judgments coming back.  I went to a meeting tonight, at a place I normally don't go to.  It's next to this big Phoenix hot spot for music so all the goths and metalheads and otherwise angry, impotent, youths (just thought of My Cousin Vinny just now) are being rowdy next door and I'm listening to this middle-aged speaker talk about blow and dubbies and qualudes (I can't even spell qualudes).  I felt removed.  I wasn't comfortable in there and I wouldn't have been comfortable over there.  I don't want to drink but shit, I gotta feel like I belong.  What's the point if I don't belong somewhere? Now for any hypersensitive ex-drunk who's going to think that "oh, she's setting herself up," I must retort.  I don't have to drink to belong anywhere.  But if I'm sober and I don't belong anywhere, what do I do?  I find myself combing the faces of the grocery store, or a meeting, or my job---just looking to identify in someone else something like me.  I had that feeling a couple of months ago.  What was it?  How did I lose it?  How do I get it back?  I don't want to do this thing on my own.  But the scarier part is:  I'm starting to think I can.   

Replies

gjm
gjm

1st things 1st your sobriety. Keep it simple we tend to think to much especially just getting sober.

Wish you well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You can...for awhile. I found with myself when I tried to go it alone I could eventually rationalize my way back to drinking. It is poison for me, keep looking. My all women\'s group is my \"home\" group but I\'m not a big joiner so not sure if I will ever \"belong\"... and its a great group. Great job on both working out and sobriety but you CAN\'T do it alone! Support is essential, you just need to find the right support for you. Best Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

Jill, I get feeling the same way. I think one minute I want AA like no other, then I\'m off on my own feeling like Yes, I can do this alone. I did it for 7 1/2 years out of my almost 10 years sober, and the only reason I went back to drinking was because I was hanging out a LOT with my alcoholic cousin. That was so stupid, but I didn\'t feel that way at the time. I \'forgot\' what I was. Today I know better. Today I feel like I \'belong\' in this world. Today I feel like I belong here, at DS. I feel like I can get my \'daily strength\' here and give strength to others from my own experience.

When I hear someone say that we CAN\'T do this, I cringe, because Yes, we can! We can lean on each other, but we don\'t have to sit on each others laps to keep sober. I\'m living proof of that and so are many others. Of course in the beginning it\'s a good idea, but we should NEVER have to hear that we CAN\'T do something.

I say just stick around here, or do what you feel you want or need to do, but remember that we all can find our nitch in this world.

Love ya!,
Bows
deleted_user
deleted_user

OK, DardHair...my turn! :-) This is thoughts from another early recoverer, so consider the source.

To start, let\'s look for the positives. You can (and will) be reliable again. When I look back over my history, I view the times when I was at my best and I think, \"How the fuck did I ever do it???\" So I can relate to what you are feeling. Right now, I feel empty, like you said earlier. The stark contrast of what I am right now and what I use to be makes it that much harder to believe I am where I am at. So, I gotta\' believe that I felt fulfilled at one time, so I will be there again. So will you.

Obviosly, the devil is in the details. How do you get there from here? The Big Book thumper answer is \"Not doing what you use to do.\" I always ask myself how that \"advice\" could be of any help at all. It really isn\'t. The only honest answer I can give you is that I don\'t know what to tell you.

Honestly, if I had to rely on AA alone, I would probably go stark raving mad. SOBER, but stark raving mad. Some at these meeings obviously have found this to be true. I think my best will be realized if I balance a twelve step recovery group with the rest of my life. I guess what I am saying is that once I stabilize a bit, I will just have to incorporate a good support and recovery into my \"normal\" life. I don\'t know what that means exactly, except that my entire life cannot become a set of meetings and twelve step calls.

I hope some of this makes sense to you because I am starting to confuse myself. The short answer is, now that you know you can still learn, keep doing that. :-)

Good luck, Kiddo\'
Wayne-
Jonesen
Jonesen

What\'s wrong with feeling a twinge of self-sufficiency coming back? What\'s wrong with cooking for yourself every day? What\'s wrong with feeling a little pride now and then? What\'s wrong with working out every day to get back into shape? What\'s wrong with new found discipline and sensing some judgment calls? What\'s wrong with feeling like you don\'t belong somewhere all the time whether you\'re drinking or not? You didn\'t lose anything; you\'re gaining a new perspective that will take time for adjustment. I agree with gjm. You\'re over thinking the shit out of this again. Hugs...Jonesie