re: Isolation

You know, I'm back to a little over 30 days sobriety and I'm just feeling a bit of disconnect.  Maybe it's because now I'm working a second job, maybe it's because I dropped the loser boyfriend, maybe because I started working out everyday-fuck I don't know.  But it's like I'm getting this twinge of self-sufficiency back.  Don't get me wrong-I'm not blowing people off, I still like to reach out.  I still NEED people.  It's a selfish need, though.  I want to talk when I want to talk.  I want to go out and socialize when I want to go out.  And I want to get laid when I want to get laid.  What's wrong with that? There is something empty about it, I'll admit.  It's been sooo long since I've had my shit together that I almost forgot what it feels like.  This week, I ate for under $40.  Cooked and everything.  Every day!  I'm single...I live alone...yes, with cats...and I don't fucking cook.  Finally my back was against the wall and I just didn't have the funds to be a frivolous idiot.  So I l-e-a-r-n-e-d something.  Imagine that.  And you know what?  It felt pretty amazing.  I haven't felt "pride" in I don't know when.  Working out?  Yeah-every day also.  I haven't worked out every day in 6 years.  I haven't gotten sick or worn out either (I have an autoimmune disease so that's an important side-note).   I was reliable.  You would've tried to use that word in conjunction with my name to one of my co-workers over two weeks ago and they would've laughed in your face.  Hard.  The only thing with this newfound (or is it re-found?  hmmm) discipline is that I'm sensing some judgments coming back.  I went to a meeting tonight, at a place I normally don't go to.  It's next to this big Phoenix hot spot for music so all the goths and metalheads and otherwise angry, impotent, youths (just thought of My Cousin Vinny just now) are being rowdy next door and I'm listening to this middle-aged speaker talk about blow and dubbies and qualudes (I can't even spell qualudes).  I felt removed.  I wasn't comfortable in there and I wouldn't have been comfortable over there.  I don't want to drink but shit, I gotta feel like I belong.  What's the point if I don't belong somewhere? Now for any hypersensitive ex-drunk who's going to think that "oh, she's setting herself up," I must retort.  I don't have to drink to belong anywhere.  But if I'm sober and I don't belong anywhere, what do I do?  I find myself combing the faces of the grocery store, or a meeting, or my job---just looking to identify in someone else something like me.  I had that feeling a couple of months ago.  What was it?  How did I lose it?  How do I get it back?  I don't want to do this thing on my own.  But the scarier part is:  I'm starting to think I can.