Ranting and raving

Okay so it's been a while since I've written, and I apologize for not responding to those who sent me messages and tried to stay in contact. I have an incredibly bad habit of withdrawing when I start to feel unstable (insecure, depressed, lonely, sorry for myself, etc). I actually end up spoon feeding myself the fuel that keeps all of my negative thinking alive. It's the very same "self-fulfilling prophecy syndrome" I warn others about, but as Alice (in Wonderland) said, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."
My problem with withdrawing from people is compounded by having few family members (I'm the only one in California) I'm in contact with. I rely to heavily upon the support resources I do have, and fail to expand my circle of friends when I need to do it the most. Between my cognitive therapy, private and group therapy, as well as the medication, I had been doing pretty well. But when I hit a crisis, my thoughts turn to extremes... giving up, caving in, withdrawing, suicide. Deep inside, I guess I'm more of a positive thinker than I give myself credit for, because my little personal motto is: "I'm not finished yet." But I sure get weak sometimes.
My partner Richard suffers from anxiety and depression, and it actually helps me by helping him to some degree, but it gets exhausting. Richard also has a problem with alcohol, although he WAS doing better up until recently. He was given a position at the medical group he works for that he hates. They love him where he works, and he makes great money, but even though things go well for him, he always sees gloom and doom. He got blasted Saturday night, turned into the cruel drunk I hate so much, made a fool of himself in front of my son who could clearly see how messed up he was. There is no talking to him when he's been drinking, but he wanted to discuss all of our relationship problems. After my son went to bed, he broke up with me and threw me out of our bedroom, stating that I could sleep on the couch because everything in the bedroom belonged to him. He's done this bullshit months before which sent me straight to Al-Anon (which he thought was humorous).
The next morning he was crying and telling me how sorry he was. Thank God my son's mom picked him up early that morning (another miserable story for some other time). Richard swore to give up alcohol completely, finally admitting he can't control himself when he drinks. He asked if I could forgive him, but it's hard to trust someone who says such horrible things when they drink. I can only hope he's serious about quitting completely. Okay, enough of him.
My ex-wife works (in her spare time) at a community theater with some mutual friends of ours while we were married. Our friends have approached me about working them in set construction and design as I had in the past. I'd love to do it, but I'm apprehensive about being in close contact with my ex while working there. My ex called last night and told me a production was in a time crunch and could really use my help. My stomach churned at the thought of working there with her and under pressure, but I was willing to give it some consideration. Then she launched into her usual controlling behavior telling me that if she and I ended up in a fight, "then I'd have to go and never come back." My heart sank at the thought of not being able to work with my friends, but I was relieved as well that my ex-wife's big mouth made my decision for me. I'm dying to tell our friends what she said, and why I'm deciding not to work with them, but what would be the point?
Anyway... just venting here. I feel so low, but I feel better getting it out.
I'm going to try to be more active here. Thanks for listening.