Ranting and raving

Okay so it's been a while since I've written, and I apologize for not responding to those who sent me messages and tried to stay in contact. I have an incredibly bad habit of withdrawing when I start to feel unstable (insecure, depressed, lonely, sorry for myself, etc). I actually end up spoon feeding myself the fuel that keeps all of my negative thinking alive. It's the very same "self-fulfilling prophecy syndrome" I warn others about, but as Alice (in Wonderland) said, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."
My problem with withdrawing from people is compounded by having few family members (I'm the only one in California) I'm in contact with. I rely to heavily upon the support resources I do have, and fail to expand my circle of friends when I need to do it the most. Between my cognitive therapy, private and group therapy, as well as the medication, I had been doing pretty well. But when I hit a crisis, my thoughts turn to extremes... giving up, caving in, withdrawing, suicide. Deep inside, I guess I'm more of a positive thinker than I give myself credit for, because my little personal motto is: "I'm not finished yet." But I sure get weak sometimes.
My partner Richard suffers from anxiety and depression, and it actually helps me by helping him to some degree, but it gets exhausting. Richard also has a problem with alcohol, although he WAS doing better up until recently. He was given a position at the medical group he works for that he hates. They love him where he works, and he makes great money, but even though things go well for him, he always sees gloom and doom. He got blasted Saturday night, turned into the cruel drunk I hate so much, made a fool of himself in front of my son who could clearly see how messed up he was. There is no talking to him when he's been drinking, but he wanted to discuss all of our relationship problems. After my son went to bed, he broke up with me and threw me out of our bedroom, stating that I could sleep on the couch because everything in the bedroom belonged to him. He's done this bullshit months before which sent me straight to Al-Anon (which he thought was humorous).
The next morning he was crying and telling me how sorry he was. Thank God my son's mom picked him up early that morning (another miserable story for some other time). Richard swore to give up alcohol completely, finally admitting he can't control himself when he drinks. He asked if I could forgive him, but it's hard to trust someone who says such horrible things when they drink. I can only hope he's serious about quitting completely. Okay, enough of him.
My ex-wife works (in her spare time) at a community theater with some mutual friends of ours while we were married. Our friends have approached me about working them in set construction and design as I had in the past. I'd love to do it, but I'm apprehensive about being in close contact with my ex while working there. My ex called last night and told me a production was in a time crunch and could really use my help. My stomach churned at the thought of working there with her and under pressure, but I was willing to give it some consideration. Then she launched into her usual controlling behavior telling me that if she and I ended up in a fight, "then I'd have to go and never come back." My heart sank at the thought of not being able to work with my friends, but I was relieved as well that my ex-wife's big mouth made my decision for me. I'm dying to tell our friends what she said, and why I'm deciding not to work with them, but what would be the point?
Anyway... just venting here. I feel so low, but I feel better getting it out.
I'm going to try to be more active here. Thanks for listening.

Replies

L8bloomer
L8bloomer

Welcome back. You\'ve been dearly missed.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Film it as the story goes.............react in the present and breath while tasking. The mind can better readjust itself.
I\'ve had to do A LOT of this lately. When all else fails, take a lorazepam (or get a benzo med of your choice prescribed) and go to bed. Start filming the next morning.
***Your son will forgive and forgive, I am guessing. But he shouldn\'t have to. It\'s not fair to have him exposed to Richard until Richard has shown that he has taken steps to address the problem.
Take care,
U-R
and yes, you have been missed.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Missed Ya Chuck!
Sorry to hear about your problems with Richard. Sounds awfully familiar to events with my ex-wife. But as you said thats a story all it\'s own. The situation will work itself out the way it will. Just keep yourself in a place where you will be able to adapt whatever the outcome. You are a good person and confidence in yourself and in your ability to overcome the obstacles life puts before you can and will bring you through whatever you face. Just keep in mind that you have a son who needs you and at the end of the day he needs to be your top priority over and above Richard and yourself. But I think you probably already know that.
As for the theatre thing. I can so relate to your dilema in regard to wanting to do it. I used to manage the prop and decor dept. of a convention service in Little Rock. Back then Trade shows and corporate events commonly had themes and they contacted us to make and erect the props and decor for the events. Also we did stage sets for the various theaters around our area.Since we worked on pretty large scale, especially in the convention centers the props and sets often got pretty elaborate. I loved it and miss doing that work all the time. I didn\'t get paid a whole lot back then but the creative freedom combined with the budgets to really throw myself into the work was awesome. It was without a doubt one of the best periods in my life in regard to the work I was doing. Actually come to think of it it pretty much was my life considering how much time we put in back then. Lots of 36 hour days. But I was considerably younger in those days. However I understand how the specter of dealing with your ex would be prohibitive. If I were presented with the opportunity but faced with being thrown into a close working environment with her I would probably have to pass on it too. Still you are in California. Check around maybe you can find someway to use those old skills in a different venue. I have actually recently been contacted myself by some of my old comrades from those who came looking me up with the possibility of working on a few upcoming projects they have coming up in the next year and I am seriously considering taking them up on it. Though I must admit, I am likely to pass a lot of the ladder work off on some of the younger guys who haven\'t aquired quite as many injuries over the years as I have. :-)
Anyway, Just know that your friends are here when you need them. I haven\'t been around here as much myself as I should lately but should you wish to get ahold of me just send me a message or something and I\'ll get an email prompt of it and get back with you as quick as I can. After all you are one of the people who were here for me the most back when I first came to DS and you helped me a lot. I\'ll never forget that my friend.
Love and Big Southern Hugs
Eddie
deleted_user
deleted_user

well we can chat or leave me an email any time you feel like it man.. welcome back buddy