Random update.. Idk what to title it? Heh

Is Christmas really in two weeks? I have been so caught up in everything that has been going on in my life recently that I have not realized it was right around the corner! I can't even begin to tell you how depressing I seem to get around the holidays. Usually I would be able to get through them because I had my little group of "best friends" but to be honest with you? I don't hang out with any of them anymore. Everything has changed, but I am okay with that. They turned out to be real jerks and they don't deserve my friendship. And the ones I had left? Ha, let me rewind to two days ago!
The other day was 100 days cigarette free. My last female friend ever invites me over to her house to have a couple beers and hang out. She is really the only one I am comfortable sitting and drinking with because we have girl talk and laugh and bullshit and well..it's refreshing. She understands me and will let me talk instead of talking over me or constantly telling me I am wrong. I got ready and walked over. Before I knocked on the door I heard a bunch of obnoxious laughter. A familiar kind of laughter. It was her nephew and my other "friend". Now before anything I can promise you that if I knew that if this "friend" was there I would have never shown up. I have been having a couple problems with him lately because when he's drunk he is rude and disrespectful and well frankly i am over it! Sorry for the rant.. let me get to the point.
I walk in and everyone is happy to see me. Happy as in drunk. Lol. They yelled my name, we hugged. It was like the beginning to a really bad Lifetime movie. The second I walked in I smelled cigarette smoke. Everyone sat around a small plastic pullout table. 2 ashtrays, 4 packs of cigarettes scattered, and what I call "drunken ashes" on the table. (When you are drunk and you are unable to flick the ashes into the ashtray or.. too drunk to care.) I immediately felt uncomfortable. I am going to try to make this as short as possibly because SO much happened that night and I regret even going there. Long story short. Everyone got even more drunk, I pretty much chugged my beers to catch up because I was so uncomfortable, her nephew went to sleep and my "friend" got pretty much plastered. Starting blowing smoke in my face. (Accidentally of course but when I coughed and made a comment he laughed) He then started to tell me (in a joking way) that I am probably going to die before him even if I quit. That I will probably get cancer before them. My face dropped..
This isn't the first time he made the comment about dying. Anyways.. my anxiety is kicking up just thinking about it. All I really remember is getting into a very heated argument later on that night. My female friend started defending him, and basically telling me that I was wrong for getting the way I did. That's when I really flipped. How dare you insult me? How dare you tell me that I will die or get cancer before you? We were all supposed to be best friends? Then sit there 100 days cigarette free and blow smoke in my face then laugh about it? This isn't friendship, and I can't believe I spent this long with people who really don't care about me or my health. When I was miserable and depressed and constantly hurt myself with drinking, smoking, sex, etc they loved hanging out with me. Now that I have truly changed my life it's almost as if they don't want to be bothered with me. He said I am boring now.. so be it. I am proud of how far I have come in only 3 and 1/2 months..
Well, after that night I decided it was time to let go of a few more people in my life. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I have lost, what I have let go of, and what I don't have instead of focusing on what i DO have and I know that I have a lot to be grateful for so I will state 3 things I am grateful for this Christmas.
1) My one true friend. My one best friend who used to live around the corner from me who ended up moving to Manhattan so we don't get to see each other often but we talk via phone/internet. He is the male version of me and understands me COMPLETELY. He was actually the one (besides the wonderful people from this site) that actually helped me through quitting. I am SO grateful that he has come into my life. He is the friend that I have always wanted. He listens to me, understands me, and truly cares about me and my life/future. He is so positive and helps me stay positive and for that I will be forever grateful!
2) My little sister Akira who is 11 now. She makes me truly laugh. She is like my little twin. We look nothing alike (Different fathers) but we have identical personalities. Everything good about me you can see in her which always brings me back to a good state because I know that I have done something right. I like teaching her new things because I know she is more comfortable talking to me than our Mom. She brightens up my day and I will love her to the day I die. I think she is the one who saved me. Anytime I thought about why I still existed back in the day I thought of her and realized I can't leave. Ever. Because she will need me. She is my life.
3) My Mom, because I have realized that she has been a Mother & a Father since I was little. My dad has been nonexistent and honestly just thinks about himself and his other family. He never tries to balance his time and we always come last. I think I spent a lot of time focusing on everything my Mom does wrong instead of what she does right. My Mom cooks, cleans, makes this house a home, and yes maybe we are all not affectionate and completely open with each other but I really do believe that she does care. She just does not know how to show it.
I have so much else to update about but I have so much to do in a short amount of time so I will update again a little later on. Sorry! =)