Random Update

  Yet again its has been such a long time since I have had any activity on this site. I guess with all of the chaos of day to day life up until now I forgot its existence. I saw that my last entry was in 2009 and now here its 2016...wow so much has happened in the past 7 years. I really dont even know where to begin. I finally have started stable counseling now and have been diagnosed with PTSD. Although I think that I`m truly bipolar because it seems to run in the family and I've had a lot of manic moments within the past few years. I've done a lot of stupid things...impulsive spending, meeting people for sex, a lot of self destructive things that I didn't truly think through...I just did them because it made sense and made me feel amazing in the moment. I felt like I had no limits. It was like a high. Then there would be the mood swings from happy to extreme irritability...until I would finally hit a depression that would bring me down again. I guess at the moment Im back in that depression mindset with anxiety to accompany it. Ive tried to talk to people who claim to be my friend about issues but it seems any words I have to say fall on deaf ears. They just say oh that sucks or uh huh i understand....but they dont...theres no emotion behind their words/actions. It really seems that I have no friends now. Everyone has an excuse of why they cannot meet up for coffee/drink/dinner or just to come over and chill. I find that pathetic. Why even say youre a friend when there is no action behind it? I feel alone most of the time...even though Im in a relationship of 3years and 7months. My boyfriend is an amazing person that has always been there for me since we met. Hes done more for me than any past relationship or family. He has truly sacrificed money, effort and time. Hes really the only person in my life right now. I guess that should make me happy. I still feel like somethings missing. I see all of the pictures on facebook and other social media and wonder what does it feel like to be surrounded by a group of people that care about you and smile/laugh together with. Is it that Ive only met shitty people in life? am i the shitty one? It brings alot of questions to mind. Ive been out of work for few months because of my anxiety levels and it reminds me of how lonely I truly feel. Even though I wasnt considered friends with coworkers...I guess that extra human interaction was something to sidetrack me at the time. My boyfriend is usually at work...like now he is working a double since he is in management for a hotel. I also worked in the hospitality field and know the crazy hours. I pass the time by listening to music, watching random things on the internet, might play a video game but usually lose interest which is crazy...I used to be quite the gamer. Ive recently started writing again. Ive been writing an album about my past and partially my mothers. Mixing it together. Itll be similar to Lana Del Rey and Halsey. They were big inspirations to start writing it. Ive finally quit smoking cigarettes and switched to vaping. I guess its a little healthier than an actual cigarette but there is always some study that will say otherwise. Ive been craving alcohol lately but I keep telling myself that Im not gonna do what I hear myself say, I struggled with myself yesterday not to go buy any. Ive realized that I was binge drinking when I did drink...and that tends to cause problems when I blackout and become semi-violent. My brother called me today and told me that he is suffering from depression, anxiety, random outbursts of rage and regret...as he told me these things, I thought oh wow its not just me...of course we are never alone with the way we feel but when you have very limited interactions with people you forget and it seems you are the only one. I never thought my brother would ever open up to me like that. Even at the end of the convo he said I love you man. That actually meant a lot to me. I dont think he has ever told me that before. I guess hearing that kinda made my day today. It was totally random that he even called me. I havent heard from him in about a year or so it seems. I guess thats enough rambling for now...I could go on and on but I save things for other entries soon to come.