Random thoughts.
I met a lady today, mid-sixties, very nice. She's been widowed for four years. We both shared our thoughts on being widowed for a few minutes. we were talking about how it's the woman who's left. Generally the men die first. And she said that God most likely designed it that way because men would have a harder time of it if it were reversed. I couldn't imagine a pain worse than what I'm feeling now. If men are having a harder time, God help them.
My father is a widower and very mean. Mom had a hard time of it with him. Still, he loved her, although I found it hard to believe considering the way he treated her. Now, I'm seeing that it doesn't seem to matter what sort of relationship a couple has, when one leaves the pain is deep. My marriage was happy. But people with bad marriages still grieve just as hard. I think in some ways even harder because there are all those regrets.
Just random thoughts going through my head, because tonight I'm very depressed. Just had an argument with my father and wishing big time God had reversed this and taken me instead. I could be the one up there in Heaven having a ball instead of treading through hell. I'm definetly in a dark place and one of my own making in many ways because I still haven't accepted that people cannot always be changed and maybe I'm not responsible for accepting them the way they are at my expense. I'm on the threshold of making a bad decision. I'm walking into the past with tears in my eyes. I don't seem to be able to turn around and can't see where I have a choice. I feel responsible for my father. I can't live with him, but I'm on my way to live with him. If my husband had been alive I would still have the same issue only we'd both be moving there.
It is said that you can ask God for the number of years you want to live. I'll tell anyone, no way do I want to be here in my eightes. Even in good health. That doesn't stem from my depressive state. I've felt like this for years--and why? To be absent in the flesh is to be present with the Lord. Why would I want to stay down here on this hell hole if I can be in Heaven. The only reason is to do the Lords work. That is the only reason I can see. I stay here for the Great Commission only. We're in the end times. As such, we as christian have to save as many people as possible. It's why I live.
My father is a widower and very mean. Mom had a hard time of it with him. Still, he loved her, although I found it hard to believe considering the way he treated her. Now, I'm seeing that it doesn't seem to matter what sort of relationship a couple has, when one leaves the pain is deep. My marriage was happy. But people with bad marriages still grieve just as hard. I think in some ways even harder because there are all those regrets.
Just random thoughts going through my head, because tonight I'm very depressed. Just had an argument with my father and wishing big time God had reversed this and taken me instead. I could be the one up there in Heaven having a ball instead of treading through hell. I'm definetly in a dark place and one of my own making in many ways because I still haven't accepted that people cannot always be changed and maybe I'm not responsible for accepting them the way they are at my expense. I'm on the threshold of making a bad decision. I'm walking into the past with tears in my eyes. I don't seem to be able to turn around and can't see where I have a choice. I feel responsible for my father. I can't live with him, but I'm on my way to live with him. If my husband had been alive I would still have the same issue only we'd both be moving there.
It is said that you can ask God for the number of years you want to live. I'll tell anyone, no way do I want to be here in my eightes. Even in good health. That doesn't stem from my depressive state. I've felt like this for years--and why? To be absent in the flesh is to be present with the Lord. Why would I want to stay down here on this hell hole if I can be in Heaven. The only reason is to do the Lords work. That is the only reason I can see. I stay here for the Great Commission only. We're in the end times. As such, we as christian have to save as many people as possible. It's why I live.
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