Random thoughts.

I met a lady today, mid-sixties, very nice.  She's been widowed for four years.  We both shared our thoughts on being widowed for a few minutes.  we were talking about how it's the woman who's left.  Generally the men die first.  And she said that God most likely designed it that way because men would have a harder time of it if it were reversed.  I couldn't imagine a pain worse than what I'm feeling now.  If men are having a harder time, God help them. 
My father is a widower and very mean.  Mom had a hard time of it with him.  Still, he loved her, although I found it hard to believe considering the way he treated her.  Now, I'm seeing that it doesn't seem to matter what sort of relationship a couple has, when one leaves the pain is deep.  My marriage was happy.  But people with bad marriages still grieve just as hard.  I think in some ways even harder because there are all those regrets.
Just random thoughts going through my head, because tonight I'm very depressed.  Just had an argument with my father and wishing big time God had reversed this and taken me instead.  I could be the one up there in Heaven having a ball instead of treading through hell.  I'm definetly in a dark place and one of my own making in many ways because I still haven't accepted that people cannot always be changed and maybe I'm not responsible for accepting them the way they are at my expense.  I'm on the threshold of making a bad decision.  I'm walking into the past with tears in my eyes.  I don't seem to be able to turn around and can't see where I have a choice.  I feel responsible for my father.  I can't live with him, but I'm on my way to live with him.  If my husband had been alive I would still have the same issue only we'd both be moving there.  
 
It is said that you can ask God for the number of years you want to live.  I'll tell anyone, no way do I want to be here in my eightes.  Even in good health.  That doesn't stem from my depressive state.  I've felt like this for years--and why?  To be absent in the flesh is to be present with the Lord.  Why would I want to stay down here on this hell hole if I can be in Heaven.  The only reason is to do the Lords work.  That is the only reason I can see.  I stay here for the Great Commission only.  We're in the end times.  As such, we as christian have to save as many people as possible.  It's why I live. 
 
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I think God did plan it like you said, for the men to go first most of the time. Why, I don\'t know. The bible says that the woman is the \"weaker vessel\" and that God made woman for a \"help meet\" for man, so I don\'t understand why the husbands are usually taken first. I\'m not questioning God, I\'m just thinking outloud. I know He knows best...and His way of thinking is not like our way of thinking.

I\'m sorry you are having to go through all of this with your father. I wish it was some other way for you to resolve caring for him other than moving in with him. My mother lived with my husband and myself until she developed Alzheimer\'s and I had to place her in a rest home. We were very close and I hated to do that, but it was for her own safety. At the time, Larry and I both worked and couldn\'t be here with her. She had always told me that she never wanted to be put in a rest home...and I really felt guilty about not respecting her wishes. She died at the age of 82 in the dining room at the nursing home. I had just saw her the night before and had fed her supper . She had a massive heart attack. I will be praying that your situation can be resolved some other way.

I\'m like you on living as long as some people do. I have no desire to live until I reach my 80\'s. As much as I hate asking people to help me now with different things, I know I would be more dependent then...so no way do I want to live that long. I know the Lord knows exactly when and where I will leave this world, but I hope He shows mercy on me and takes me on before then. I believe God left me here for a purpose and that He\'s not through with me yet. That\'s the only reason I\'m still here. I try to witness as much as possible and I try to live my life so others can see Christ through me. We must continue on until the Lord calls us home...and I hope it\'s sooner than later.

Please take care and know that I am praying for you.

(((HUGS)))
Cathy
tessandbarney
tessandbarney

I feel so bad for you, you sound so very sad and despairing. Please don\'t make a decision that you know is bad for you. Try and put it off for as long as you can. If you are so badly affected by just the thought of it, how much worse will it be when you have to live it day and night and you are in such a low and vulnerable state. Your father should be caring for you and trying to make things easier for you to bear. It sounds heartless but he has lived his life the way he chose to and he has had a long life. It sounds as if he got far more out of it then your mother did and now you are considering making the same sacrifices for his sake. You are worth more, you know that. You deserve peace of mind and happiness and that surely will not come from your father. For your own sake please try to find another way to meet the obligation you feel toward your father. I, like you, so much wish that I had been taken first and no way want to prolong my life. I wouldn\'t do anything to shorten it but I surely wouldn\'t put much effort into extending it. In so many ways I wish I could be like the widow you described meeting, four years down the line but without actually having to live those intervening years. But we don\'t have a choice in these things, we will live for as long as we live but we do have a choice about how we live that time. You should choose the best life you can get and at this time that means whatever is easiest for you to cope with. Grief is more than enough of a burden for you to live with and get through and this can only be made worse by having to look after someone who is so incapable of showing you the compassion and support you need and is likely to make physical and emotional demands on you that you are just not strong enough at this stage to meet. Please put yourself first this time. Talk to professionals who may be able to help find a better solution for you, a doctor or social worker or someone at your church. I pray that someone will be there for you to help you through this. My thoughts are with you, sending much love to you, Lottie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have a Mother that is 87 years old in a nursing home. My Dad died back in 1988 and I loved him very much and could talk to him so much easier than my Mother. I go see her every Friday because I get out of work at 2:00. It is so hard to sit there with her. I watch the clock waiting for an hour to go by so I can leave. She doesn\'t talk and only answers the question as I ask them. I have told my children that I really don\'t want to end up like my Mother...not that they will take me out and shoot me! And I agree with you 100% about women dying first because I think if I had died before my husband that he truly would have been lost. he always said that he would not be able to survive without me.
Maybe you should try and stay clear of your Dad for a while if he is causing you so much pain. That is only added to what you are already going through...we need to keep ourselves going by being around people that support us and help us the most. I know my husband would have wanted that for me...please take care of yourself first....hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user

Craig said repeatedly that he was glad he was the one dying and not me (even though he was mourning for himself ceaselessly, angry, terrified, and in constant pain) because he wouldn\'t be able to make it if I were gone but he felt I had the support of family and friends and would get along okay.

I know that other widows I\'ve spoken with feel that it\'s much harder on men than it is on women to lose their spouse. I agree that it\'s hard to imagine feeling any worse, but I do go through my life and maybe he would have been more frozen if it had been reversed.

I just wish it had never happened.
ricebells
ricebells

Frank wouldn,t have survived if l had gone first,he use to say to me that if l died before him,he would be right behind me,he would have been completely at a loss,but then so am l,but l think he always thought of me as a strong person,if he is looking down on me now,he would be upset to see me upset,but what do we do.The idea of living to be really old terrifies me also,don,t want it,my mother is 91,she prays everyday to be taken in her sleep,she really doesan,t know why she is still living on this earth,my dad died 18 years ago,and she still misses him,now l understand what she has been going through.
l,m sorry about what you are going through,l hope you make the right decision for yourself.
take care
Alice
ricebells
ricebells

Frank wouldn,t have survived if l had gone first,he use to say to me that if l died before him,he would be right behind me,he would have been completely at a loss,but then so am l,but l think he always thought of me as a strong person,if he is looking down on me now,he would be upset to see me upset,but what do we do.The idea of living to be really old terrifies me also,don,t want it,my mother is 91,she prays everyday to be taken in her sleep,she really doesan,t know why she is still living on this earth,my dad died 18 years ago,and she still misses him,now l understand what she has been going through.
l,m sorry about what you are going through,l hope you make the right decision for yourself.
take care
Alice
janalM
janalM

Why are you going to move in with your father if he makes you miserable. Life is to short, as we well know, to spend it making your life a living hell. There has to be another solution. A nursing home, a live in companion, ( not you ) if he was x military, or VA home. Don\'t short change yourself. If you think you have trouble with your weight now, just try living like that, and food will be your best friend and release.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Woman last longer because they are the stronger of the sexes. They bear children which is certainly no picnic, care for their children, their husbands and their homes....in addition, many also work fulltime jobs. It is my opinion, that in general, women are more health conscious and more attentative to signs that something could be wrong with them. Men, often, brush aside signs that something is wrong. My Jim must have done that. He was riddled with cancer before he finally went to a doctor and, by then, it was just too late. Could he have gone on without me? Yes. He was very analytical and organized and he would have fared much better than I am faring now. As to how other men have handled their grief, I just don\'t know.

I hope you will \"step back\" and reconsider living with your father. It seems to be very difficult to make rational decisions in the midst of grieving and everyone says to wait for a period of time before making any big decisions. To move in with your father is a very big decision and might be better made a few months down the road. I hope you won\'t make any decision right now that you will regret. This grief journey is about \"you\" right now....and only you. Take care of yourself. A hug for you during this troubling time. Dianne