Random thinkingness

I started slow..... for five years i struggled with how to get out of the house, and how to get my life back. I beat myself up quite soundly. I had beaten myself down so much that I was convinced I wasn't worth the breaths that I was taking. I crawled into a "hole", and could hear the voices of friends and loved ones. I knew they loved me, but what good was it if I couldn't love myself? If I couldn't stand to be around me, how could they love me so unconditionally? I found a good therapist after a dismal first attempt. She pointed me in the right directions. To analyze what I was feeling, what I believed about what I was feeling. I began to see things differently. I needed the tools to deal with my internal struggles. It hasn't been easy. Everyday I have to remind myself to breathe slowly and deeply. To stop the irrational beliefs. Recent health scares forced me to take stock of what I was doing. To myself, to the people who loved me. I didn't think I could exercise and make an significant difference. I was terrified to go outside alone. Fearful of something happening out of my "safe zone". i started by pacing from my front door to my back door... (about 30 steps). It wasn't alot, but it was a start. Gradually, I started pacing faster and longer. then I decided to try and walk around upstairs, outside (I live on the 4th floor.). so I basically did "laps" around outside. Always close to my safe zone. Always sure that I could get back if something happened. I am still doing laps but I have graduated to downstairs and around the tennis courts occasionally. It tends to be very hot lately, which is one of my triggers. But I am determined to get myself healthier everyday. Sometimes I slip, and fall backwards. have some peanut butter m&m's or chocolate covered peanuts, but I am trying for moderation. I am always trying to move more and more. I want to be all that I should be for my life. i guess the point is, that as long asI keep taking those steps;  in my apt, out the door or even around the tennis courts, I will get better and better. Medication has helped, therapy has helped, friends, family and even this website have helped. The truth is, that until I found the ability to believe in myself and my faith in God, it was just a half hearted attempt. I have become determined in my goal to get healthy. I find strength in daily prayer and meditation. I find that when I am in need and my strength wanes, God is there lifting me up. Through love and support from all in my life. I am grateful to all He has given me and continues to give. I am grateful to the people I have met here, who offer willing, kind hands. One day, we will all be better, we will all worry so much less, and we will all be well. Thanks for reading if you have stuck it out. I just kind of wanted to get somethings off my chest. Much love and hugs and blessings all! D