Random Ramblings
It's about 9 am. I have slept a bit during the night, but not too much. When I was sleeping, I hurt my shoulder. My back has been hurting badly (I had to take a Vicodin last night) and now my shoulder is in on it too. I was lying in bed a little while ago, having my stomach convulse in hunger, but I was scared to eat since we don't have a lot of food left, and that means I have to go to the store again. Going to the store is so draining... But there's nobody else to do it. Geo can barely walk to the closest bus stop, not to mention get on the bus, go to the store, walk around the store, get the food, and so on. His parents are unable to help us. Prices at the stores are insane... at Winn-Dixie they wanted $1.89 for a loaf of bread that I can get for $1.20 at Publix (I can also get a loaf of bread at Target for $0.99, but Geo hates that bread for some unknown reason). I'm sorry, I'm not going to pay an extra 70 cents per loaf, especially when I buy 2-3 loaves at a time. This means I have to go to both Winn-Dixie AND Publix. One store has some things on sale I need, the other has other things on sale I need. I don't have money to be able to waste on loaves of bread and such. It costs the same on the bus whether I go to one store or both, so the only problem is my energy.
Oh, heaven.. I'm eating now. Who knew how good simple spaghetti could taste? I've been eating only once or twice a day lately, since we don't have a lot of money for food. I don't want to eat bread, I want to leave that for Geo. At least right now I'm not feeling as guilty as I was earlier for being hungry. I get that way a lot- I feel like I should not eat food so Geo can have it. I don't know, maybe it's part eating disorder (I used to starve myself, binge, purge, all that great stuff) that's making me justify not eating, and part insecurity (feeling that Geo is worth all the food in the house and not me).
Last night I got some bad news. My Nana, who is going to turn 91 in May, fell again over the weekend and had to go to the ER. She is generally okay, but she is fading fast. I've known for the past couple years when I went to LA that it might be the last time I see her, but this is for real this time. I talked to her for a bit last night and she was so out of it. I talked mostly to my aunt, who is taking care of her. I'm also pissed at my aunt for not letting the family know that my Nana was in the ER. So, after I got off the phone with my aunt, I called my brother, sister, and stepdad and let them know what was going on so they could go see her.
My aunt said that there wasn't going to be a party for my Nana's birthday this year. She says my Nana doesn't have the energy for a party; Nana can't even make it to church anymore. She watches it on TV. My Nana is very religious, and church is important to her, so knowing that she can't even do that anymore just makes it all the more real. I've admitted that I know my Nana is dying now. I don't know how easy it is going to make it when she finally does go. I know it will be a good thing for my Nana to pass on... she has had a long, hard life and she's just in pain now. She has dementia, and sometimes gets me confused with her daughter, one of my other relatives, or my sister.
Last night, after I learned this, around 12:45am I just felt this sense of peace come over me. Most people would call it a religious experience... I don't believe in god, so I just lay there, trying to figure out where the feeling was coming from. It was almost like my Nana was there with me in spirit, telling me not to worry. I'm odd for an atheist- I leave open the possibility that there might be stuff out there that we can't explain by science yet, like spirits. I don't see any evidence for a god existing, so I can't believe in one, but I have had experiences I can't explain by current scientific methods. I knew my dad was dead, and how he died (he shot himself in the head) on the day he died before anyone told me and I didn't have any reason to think it was anything other than a regular day at school. I never attributed that to God when I was a Christian, though. I don't know how I knew it, I just knew it. It was as specific as I said- I knew my dad had shot himself in the head and died.
Okay, I'm going to stop this rambling and go back to bed and see if I can get some sleep. I'm not feeling tired, but I need my sleep or else things really get crazy.
Oh, heaven.. I'm eating now. Who knew how good simple spaghetti could taste? I've been eating only once or twice a day lately, since we don't have a lot of money for food. I don't want to eat bread, I want to leave that for Geo. At least right now I'm not feeling as guilty as I was earlier for being hungry. I get that way a lot- I feel like I should not eat food so Geo can have it. I don't know, maybe it's part eating disorder (I used to starve myself, binge, purge, all that great stuff) that's making me justify not eating, and part insecurity (feeling that Geo is worth all the food in the house and not me).
Last night I got some bad news. My Nana, who is going to turn 91 in May, fell again over the weekend and had to go to the ER. She is generally okay, but she is fading fast. I've known for the past couple years when I went to LA that it might be the last time I see her, but this is for real this time. I talked to her for a bit last night and she was so out of it. I talked mostly to my aunt, who is taking care of her. I'm also pissed at my aunt for not letting the family know that my Nana was in the ER. So, after I got off the phone with my aunt, I called my brother, sister, and stepdad and let them know what was going on so they could go see her.
My aunt said that there wasn't going to be a party for my Nana's birthday this year. She says my Nana doesn't have the energy for a party; Nana can't even make it to church anymore. She watches it on TV. My Nana is very religious, and church is important to her, so knowing that she can't even do that anymore just makes it all the more real. I've admitted that I know my Nana is dying now. I don't know how easy it is going to make it when she finally does go. I know it will be a good thing for my Nana to pass on... she has had a long, hard life and she's just in pain now. She has dementia, and sometimes gets me confused with her daughter, one of my other relatives, or my sister.
Last night, after I learned this, around 12:45am I just felt this sense of peace come over me. Most people would call it a religious experience... I don't believe in god, so I just lay there, trying to figure out where the feeling was coming from. It was almost like my Nana was there with me in spirit, telling me not to worry. I'm odd for an atheist- I leave open the possibility that there might be stuff out there that we can't explain by science yet, like spirits. I don't see any evidence for a god existing, so I can't believe in one, but I have had experiences I can't explain by current scientific methods. I knew my dad was dead, and how he died (he shot himself in the head) on the day he died before anyone told me and I didn't have any reason to think it was anything other than a regular day at school. I never attributed that to God when I was a Christian, though. I don't know how I knew it, I just knew it. It was as specific as I said- I knew my dad had shot himself in the head and died.
Okay, I'm going to stop this rambling and go back to bed and see if I can get some sleep. I'm not feeling tired, but I need my sleep or else things really get crazy.
Replies