Random rant

so here is my random rant. I am generally really down at the moment although to be honest I cannot think of many reasons - my instability has simply kicked in once again. everyone is relying on me at the moment to help them out and they tell me they are there to help me to but it never feels like it. the second i mention any of my issues it turns onto their problems. either that or they don't know what to say, I am throwing up all the time if I eat anything starchy and i feel nauseous all the time. I will be secretly honest - I have started having really bad night terrors again, voices in my head getting aggressive. I am residing in myself a lot of the time just going silent and I have been scratching/cutting again but only shallow. the pain helps but I don't want permanent damage. I just cannot focus on anything. my mind is back to being a roulette wheel spinning out of control. I am having flashes and hallucinations of people hurting me, me hurting them or both which are pretty intense. I find myself doing unusual things. I keep having impulses like to walk and never stop or to destroy all my technology and sit on the floor whilst the darkness envelopes me. I honestly believe that I am living purely to help other people but I am not happy in myself. like I have to suffer for other people's well being. I am constantly terrified, with butterflies in my stomach and my head aches with all the noise up there. it is frustrating. yes, I do have a lot going on in my life but no more than usual and I am simply not coping. I do have BPD so I wanted to get this all written down to help me track it. my friend suggested I literally go 'fitness freak' s that I have something to focus on so I will start that soon... but I just want everything to stop. to end. to be quiet...