Random Musings of Torment

Saturday night is the worst time of the week.  You can literally feel the fun you're not having.Christmas and birthdays are the worst days of the year.Thinking about the past is shameful.  Thinking of the future is impossible.Mistakes are easy to focus on whether mine or someone else's.Courage is like an infinitely spacious and populated place with windows for walls that are of unknown height.If I had impeccable character, I could know what the right thing to do was in any circumstance, and not have to worry needlessly about socially acceptable responses.People never tell you that it's all your fault, but they show you it is every day, for all they don't and won't do.I cannot differentiate praise from criticism; they are both equally repulsive. Anxiety is my new best friend, like a small child tugging at my pantlegs, it never goes away.At first you think that you're not dumb; then you can't focus anymore, and you are dumb.Demons for most come in all shapes and sizes; but when they've invaded your personality itself, they're the devil.A nurtured mental illness is like murder; you're dead but you still have 20% of your life left.Failures are like family, you'd like them to leave, but they belong to you.Success is terrifying; it's difficult to understand how those who have it, survived long enough to get it.Once I had a very social day. I felt so good, so normal.  Then it was gone; I had but a taste.Having nothing to live for, whether real or imagined, is very real, even when it's imagined.What do I want?  I want a one-room house in the woods with one person that loves me.Eventually you learn that the anger of others is justified no matter how trivial its cause.  And the converse is also true: your anger is illegitimate and impossible for others to understand, even when it's the only thing you do.When I was 26 I grew ashamed of my age.  It only got worse, little by little.I still can't ride my bike up the street.I am convinced that skydiving will either cure me or kill me.My brain is wired backwards from most who are ill; I despise substances and vices in all of their forms.It is often by sheer happenstance that a chemical in the lab produces an effect.  The understanding of why, often ends right there.  Whatever further insight gained from testing that drug is purely from a safety standpoint, to get the profits from the market efficiently.The TV commercial should say:  "Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you."If I have an obsession, it is with morality.If other people you loved really understood you, they'd have left you even sooner.At the art of avoidance I have no equal.I spend my life waiting for something from my past and it never shows up.  Like an old friend who left you, I create my own incessant sense of inner betrayal. I brought my own jail, and I don't need yours'.If I understand my own illness any better I fear I might adopt that new knowledge for myself.Is my fear of getting brain damage from another seizure rational?  Or is that not important to the critics either?The "sound" of fluorescent lights sometimes gives me an aura (a tic) within minutes.  Sunlight on the other hand, feels like real medicine no good doctor was ever insightful enough to prescribe.When I hear the three words "I don't know"; I know I'm listening to someone who's intelligent.I am utterly unable to move on from the loving relationships in my life.  I never get over them and I'm convinced their memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.In a twisted way, some of us who are mentally ill hope we are judged by what others do see on the outside.My intuition is the strongest part of my mind.  I convince myself and others I'm psychic after accurately predicting a million insignificant and predictable events and making a few of those seem more consequential than they really are. I have never started a fight or laid a hand on another human being when not to defend myself.  I abhor violence.  As such, I crave someone gentle. For as soft as my heart may be, I want another that can give it a run for its money more badly than breath.