Random Monday
Talked to my addiction counselor today, he's concerned that I'm in a honeymoon period and at high risk for crashing. He thinks I may be in denial about urges to gamble. I was just happy that I wasn't struggling in that area, I honestly feel done with the whole thing. But I will keep on high alert...
Never thought I would be an addict. The only things I really know about addiction I learned from Dr. Drew.Me and Michael Lohan in the same boat. Wow.
I am finally starting to feel well physically again, I think I was having gambling DT's. Feeling shaky, fatigued, achy, insomniac at night, long naps during the day, sounds weird but I really had physical symptoms of withdrawal. Or maybe that was just the shock of really facing and absorbing what I had done over the past 7 months.
I love having an uncluttered mind. I was starting to feel like an Alzheimer patient with ADD.
Decluttering my home as well, have a habit of getting a new purse and just taking the essentials out of my old one and putting it on a closet shelf (always think there might be something in there that's important ). I had 6 pocketbooks in there, filled with receipts and gum and scratch tickets and ATM receipts and casino player cards( that I never used because I didn't want anyone to know how much I gambled) and I just tossed them out without even going through them. Then I remembered that I had my daughter's social security card in one of them and dumped them out on the living room floor and just looked at this pile of lost time and lost money and I lost it! What happened next was right out of a bad Lifetime movie, I gathered everything up after I found the card and like a crazy woman (in my PJ's) I took it outside and burned it, purses and all. It was actually cathartic, but not too good for the environment, I'm afraid.
Didn't gamble today. Don't want to either.
I've read 60 pages back on this forum. I wonder what has happened to all these people who have come here scared and sick and hopeless and then never post again. I hope they have found their way, are getting help and are able to see how absolutely beautiful life can be when they aren't compelled to gamble it away.
I really like the image of the addiction as a rabid monkey on our backs, I can just see him in the distance, chattering and foaming and screaming and I have my stick of fire keeping him away.
Gamble free Monday.
Never thought I would be an addict. The only things I really know about addiction I learned from Dr. Drew.Me and Michael Lohan in the same boat. Wow.
I am finally starting to feel well physically again, I think I was having gambling DT's. Feeling shaky, fatigued, achy, insomniac at night, long naps during the day, sounds weird but I really had physical symptoms of withdrawal. Or maybe that was just the shock of really facing and absorbing what I had done over the past 7 months.
I love having an uncluttered mind. I was starting to feel like an Alzheimer patient with ADD.
Decluttering my home as well, have a habit of getting a new purse and just taking the essentials out of my old one and putting it on a closet shelf (always think there might be something in there that's important ). I had 6 pocketbooks in there, filled with receipts and gum and scratch tickets and ATM receipts and casino player cards( that I never used because I didn't want anyone to know how much I gambled) and I just tossed them out without even going through them. Then I remembered that I had my daughter's social security card in one of them and dumped them out on the living room floor and just looked at this pile of lost time and lost money and I lost it! What happened next was right out of a bad Lifetime movie, I gathered everything up after I found the card and like a crazy woman (in my PJ's) I took it outside and burned it, purses and all. It was actually cathartic, but not too good for the environment, I'm afraid.
Didn't gamble today. Don't want to either.
I've read 60 pages back on this forum. I wonder what has happened to all these people who have come here scared and sick and hopeless and then never post again. I hope they have found their way, are getting help and are able to see how absolutely beautiful life can be when they aren't compelled to gamble it away.
I really like the image of the addiction as a rabid monkey on our backs, I can just see him in the distance, chattering and foaming and screaming and I have my stick of fire keeping him away.
Gamble free Monday.
Replies
Shelly, I have $4000.00 credit on my computer to play the horses on TVG the horse racing channel. I have never done anything illegal in all the years I have gambled because I always had money from tennis and real estate. Now that those days are over I am one click away from going crazy with 4 grand to play with. The money won\'t be extracted from my bank for about three days as that is the usual time it takes from TVG to my bank. There is only one thing wrong, I don\'t have the money to cover that. Now, considering I like to go crazy often it is tempting to push the button and find myself in a real pickle. Temptations every day. You don\'t know how much I would like to put that $4000. bucks in my account. I own two houses up here in Astoria, oregon free and clear. Although, having trouble paying the normal bills to stay alive. I don\'t want to go to jail and I don\'t want to lose these houses that will go to my adult kids but I am one click away from that happening. For you see, I like to go crazy. Have not gotten to the root cause yet. Don\'t know if that is even necessary actually. Thought your post about the honeymoon period was excellent. You are very smart Shelly. I have been through that period many,many times during my drinking years. 31 years sober. I am smart too, too smart for my own addictive self. There is evidence that we who are addictive are smarter than most. It says so in the BIG BOOK of AA, NA, or GA. Keep up the good work, you are a super star. Looking back through the posts and showing concern confirms that. Your friend, Jon
Jon, please resist the temptation to use money you don\'t have, please!
That click can spell disaster for you.
That\'s magical thinking, that you will win or recoup the losses.
I\'m new to this recovery and I don\'t know what to say to someone when they are feeling the impulses, I\'m so sorry.
Just read your own words back to yourself, the ones you have written on the board and in your comments, they are strong and reasonable and make a lot of sense. I think you will be able to talk yourself out of succumbing, please try.
I will be thinking about you, and hoping that tonight brings the strength for you to stay on course.
Please don\'t gamble your life away...