Random emotions and thoughts
Today is 2 weeks since my miscarriage started. I feel like in general I'm doing ok. Overall, I guess I'm improving. I felt like I needed to journal mostly just to work through some feelings, so don't feel obligated to read any further.
Most days I'm going along just fine. But just as I start to feel like I'm ok, I have a rough day. Yesterday I had to go back to the Dr for a follow up blood test to make sure my HCG levels have dropped. It was so hard to sit there in that waiting room with all of these pregnant women, knowing that once again, I was there because I was NOT pregnant. It had felt so exciting to actually go there because I was. After 2 years of visits, I was finally there for the right reason. To be there again yesterday....it was hard. I held it together until I got back to my car. But it just made the rest of the day sad.
They called with the results just now. HCG has dropped quickly but is still at 16. So not quite there. Have to go back next week for another blood test.
I feel like I just need my body to get back to normal. I feel this anxiety pushing me to get back to tracking cycles and trying again. I know I need to give it time. I know that. But it's like, after 2 years of tracking everything, it's unnerving to not know what is happening with my body. I need the familiarity of tracking. The predictability of a regular cycle. I know when I get that first AF the shit's going to hit the fan, emotionally. Maybe I just feel like I need to get that over with - get through that - before it will really feel over.
Stepkids...are hard. I just feel like I have to take a step back from them right now. Which brings on a whole slew of other emotions, mainly guilt. It's not their fault that I am hurting. I am, for all intents and purposes, their full time mother. It's not fair to them for me to want nothing to do with them. But I don't. I keep telling myself that I need to just give it time and be patient with myself. But I feel so guilty. SD isn't so bad - we've always had a good relationship. And I think she is worried about me. I've always had a harder time with SS. He has a personality that grates on me anyway. Right now I just want to tell him to shut the hell up. I just can't stand him right now. And I hate myself for that.
Conversely, my love for my husband has only grown. There have been so many moments when I felt little beginnings of anger or frustration towards him. But in remembering that it's not the same devastating experience for him, it helps me let those go. A few days after the miscarriage started I remember feeling really angry towards him, mostly because he had said he would talk to the kids so that I didn't have to and he hadn't yet. Then I read that miscarriages can cause big problems in a marriage, especially after infertility. And I decided that I didn't want that. So I made a conscious decision to let it go. There was no vital reason they had to be told immediately. After all, it wasn't about them. It's a hard thing to know how to explain and maybe he needed time too. It's made a huge difference. It has turned this experience from one that could tear us apart into one that is strengthening us. I am able to notice the little things he does. He has been more affectionate - reaching for my hand often, just being close.
Of course, he never did tell them. So I told them the other night. I had rehearsed it a thousand times in my head. "A couple weeks ago when I went to the Dr they checked on the baby. It had stopped growing..." I made it that far and started to cry. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to completely lose it so I finished with "so I'm not going to have a baby anymore." They just kind of sat there. We all just sat there in silence for several minutes, then my husband asked whose turn it was to say the prayer and we tucked them in. They haven't said anything about it. I've noticed SD watching me. I think she's concerned, which warms my heart. I feel like I should follow up with them...but I just don't know what to say. I feel too fragile.
I feel too fragile for everything. Like I'll just shatter into a million pieces if anything hits me too hard. So I keep my husband close. My protector. He'll take care of me until I can get strong again.
Most days I'm going along just fine. But just as I start to feel like I'm ok, I have a rough day. Yesterday I had to go back to the Dr for a follow up blood test to make sure my HCG levels have dropped. It was so hard to sit there in that waiting room with all of these pregnant women, knowing that once again, I was there because I was NOT pregnant. It had felt so exciting to actually go there because I was. After 2 years of visits, I was finally there for the right reason. To be there again yesterday....it was hard. I held it together until I got back to my car. But it just made the rest of the day sad.
They called with the results just now. HCG has dropped quickly but is still at 16. So not quite there. Have to go back next week for another blood test.
I feel like I just need my body to get back to normal. I feel this anxiety pushing me to get back to tracking cycles and trying again. I know I need to give it time. I know that. But it's like, after 2 years of tracking everything, it's unnerving to not know what is happening with my body. I need the familiarity of tracking. The predictability of a regular cycle. I know when I get that first AF the shit's going to hit the fan, emotionally. Maybe I just feel like I need to get that over with - get through that - before it will really feel over.
Stepkids...are hard. I just feel like I have to take a step back from them right now. Which brings on a whole slew of other emotions, mainly guilt. It's not their fault that I am hurting. I am, for all intents and purposes, their full time mother. It's not fair to them for me to want nothing to do with them. But I don't. I keep telling myself that I need to just give it time and be patient with myself. But I feel so guilty. SD isn't so bad - we've always had a good relationship. And I think she is worried about me. I've always had a harder time with SS. He has a personality that grates on me anyway. Right now I just want to tell him to shut the hell up. I just can't stand him right now. And I hate myself for that.
Conversely, my love for my husband has only grown. There have been so many moments when I felt little beginnings of anger or frustration towards him. But in remembering that it's not the same devastating experience for him, it helps me let those go. A few days after the miscarriage started I remember feeling really angry towards him, mostly because he had said he would talk to the kids so that I didn't have to and he hadn't yet. Then I read that miscarriages can cause big problems in a marriage, especially after infertility. And I decided that I didn't want that. So I made a conscious decision to let it go. There was no vital reason they had to be told immediately. After all, it wasn't about them. It's a hard thing to know how to explain and maybe he needed time too. It's made a huge difference. It has turned this experience from one that could tear us apart into one that is strengthening us. I am able to notice the little things he does. He has been more affectionate - reaching for my hand often, just being close.
Of course, he never did tell them. So I told them the other night. I had rehearsed it a thousand times in my head. "A couple weeks ago when I went to the Dr they checked on the baby. It had stopped growing..." I made it that far and started to cry. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to completely lose it so I finished with "so I'm not going to have a baby anymore." They just kind of sat there. We all just sat there in silence for several minutes, then my husband asked whose turn it was to say the prayer and we tucked them in. They haven't said anything about it. I've noticed SD watching me. I think she's concerned, which warms my heart. I feel like I should follow up with them...but I just don't know what to say. I feel too fragile.
I feel too fragile for everything. Like I'll just shatter into a million pieces if anything hits me too hard. So I keep my husband close. My protector. He'll take care of me until I can get strong again.
Replies
Girl, for being two weeks out, you sound like you are doing alright. It will take time like you know and you will think you are doing great and then you will think of something and it will all come flooding back. But it does get better and easier. your DH and SD sound pretty awesome. I think it would be good to bring it up again, see if they have any questions. I don\'t know their ages, so they may not, but especially your SD may want to talk about it but is not sure how to bring it up. Hang in there!
You are an amazingly strong woman, whether you know it or not. But its good that you are clinging to your hubby, he can be your strength for a bit as you grieve and heal. Its also important that you keep the lines of communication open, don\'t bottle up what you are feeling.
Thinking of you!
Thanks ladies. I definitely don\'t think I\'m particularly strong, but it\'s nice to hear that other people think so. Gives me a bit more strength. :)