Rambling, venting, hurting, coping
I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and my first thought was at my age who would ever want to wake up next to someone who looks like this in the morning. I have such bags and dark circles under my eyes. The fine lines have become more dominant. I felt so ugly - truly ugly. As the day goes on it does look better, but first thing in the morning - ugggg!!!! I feel so old anymore. People tell me I'm an attractive woman, but I don't feel attractive and I don't see it. I am so tired. So tired of this crap. So tired of thinking about it all the time. Playing the waiting game. Grabbing for straws and hope when there is none. Playing the games in my head. The post on the 3 types of divorce hit me hard. I too think he has made me out to be the bad guy to his family. This bothers me almost more than anything. His mother called me controlling - the only way she would think this is if he said something to her. If I was so controlling, how come I let him go do his own thing 40 weekends out of the year. I let him take almost 4 weeks vacation to hunt, fish, boys weekends, etc. without the family. If I was so controlling how was he able to do this. Then she said, "well, you liked it when he was gone didn't you?" What !!!!!! He must have told her that I wanted him gone all the time, that I liked it when he was. What choice did I have. I took care of him, the kids, the house, the yard, the finances, the animals, the doctor appointments, the car maintenance - everything. I guess if that's controlling then I'm guilty, but someone had to step up to the plate and take care of things cause Lord knows he wasn't around enough to do it. I know in my heart I was the best wife I could be under the circumstances. The circumstances were that he quit on our marriage 10 years ago. What kind of wife was i supposed to be when I didn't feel important or loved by him. I knew a long time ago that I was a low priority in his life. But I hung in there, loving him even though he didn't love me the same way. He never told me this though. I only see it now in hind sight. I know I am a loving, affectionate and kind person. I have a big heart with a never-ending supply of love. He could have had the best of everything if only he gave a little of himself. He choose to start this circle of resentment and disrespect and I naturally followed suit when my emotional needs weren't getting met. How long could I stay the loving doormat when I knew he didn't care anymore. I tried, I know I tried to save it a long time ago but he never helped me. He never fought for it like I did. He choose the easy way out when someone new came along. I know this woman was not the source of our problems, they started long before she came into the picture, but I know she was the encouragement he needed to walk out on his family. He doesn't need a wife, he needs a mother. His mother is such a saint - or a doormat - whichever way you choose to look at it. That's what he wants. Someone to cater to his every need and be happy doing it while getting nothing in return. Someone to make his life easier while he selfishly goes about his own life. That's why he didn't leave until there was someone else to pick up where I left off. I don't have 100% proof that there is a relationship there, but it doesn't matter to what extent their relationship is, the fact that he let this woman into our marriage will never allow me to trust him again. I'm on the fence here - part of me is still living in the past hopes and dreams and the other part of me is trying to look towards the future hopes and dreams. I know they are there, I'm just having a hard time really letting go of the past. Maybe because I'm not divorced just yet and it's holding me back from moving completely forward. I think part of me (a small part) still hopes that this is all just a bad nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and say whew!!!! I'm glad that's not real. But I know it is real and to tell you the truth, I don't know if I could take him back even if he did want to come back. So much hurt and distrust has happened these last few months. Since he left, I find myself seeing couples doing things together as simple as grocery shopping, yard work, walking, bike riding, etc. We never did any of these things. He just stopped including me in everything. He truly lived his own life. Why couldn't I see this happening? How could I be so blind as to not see him seperating himself from me and the kids. He's hardly even called them in the last 3 weeks - ever since I opened the door for him to have a relationship with them, he hasn't called them to get together. I don't think he really wants to and he was just using me as his excuse not to. He was blaming me for poisoning their minds and now that the door is open, he's not even using it. I don't get this. The thing is when I hear about all these physically and verbally abuseive husbands, or the emotional abuse some of the DS woman (and men) have had to live with - I didn't have any of that. My stbx is really one of the good guys, discounting what has happened the last 5 months. He was never mean to me, well sometimes he would say hateful and hurtful things in the heat of an argument, but his good qualities really did outshine his bad. Because of this it's hard for me to say I'm better of without him because it really wasn't that bad in my eyes. Even now he's doing the right thing by paying all the bills when some men have left their wives in total financial poverty. He hasn't done that. I hate what he's done and how he's done it, but I don't hate him. I don't love him like I did anymore either, but I don't hate him. I hope the day comes when he realizes what he's lost and really feels regret. I know myself and many others have told me, he had the best thing going by having me as a wife. No one would have stuck around as long as I did letting him live his own life even while being married with a family. Well I said at the start of this journal that I would be rambling, venting, hurting, coping and I guess I've put a lot of thoughts down here today. No answers, just thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading my journal - sorry it was so long.
Replies
Outstanding journal, CHrissy. It\'s important to get it down and feel what you\'re feeling. We all have felt like that where you are. My X told me I was controlling as well and I never could see it. I am reading this book called \"Codependent No More\" and in it it talks about how those of us that sacrificed actually, in some ways, do it for what it does for us or how it makes us feel to care for someone else but it\'s unhealthy to dedicate your whole life to someone. A great and healthy relationship is when BOTH parties are contributing and nurturing the relationship and I think those of us that were the ones doing all the giving gave up on ourselves and we lived for our spouses. It\'s not healthy and after awhile, they don\'t respect us either. So THEY (the X\'s) see that as controlling. It\'s weird, but if you get the book, it explains it a lot better. But what I\'m really trying to say is you\'re absolutely right. He will wake up some day and realize what he\'s lost. My X told me one time that he took me for granted and he was sorry. He said that he had taken for granted the fact that I was always happy and that regardles of what he\'d said, that I was supportive. But he left because he said I wasn\'t supportive. You can\'t believe what they say when they leave because they just want out and by attacking us, their guilt is less. All you can do is move forward like you\'re doing. But don\'t stop posting your feelings like this. This is how you get it out, this is how we can give you feedback and support you. I wish I could come knock on your door and give you a big long hug. We sure need those some days don\'t we? Love you my friend. Hang in there. I\'m here for you whenever you need me.
Journaling is the best way to deal with this. My husband sounds a lot like yours.
He slowly separated from me with his hobby fishing and shooting at the range. He blamed me for why he left and his only thing he did in our marriage was to give up. I did the rest but I believe he needed to do that so he would have a reason in his mind to leave. I did make him leave the house because I couldnt take it but when he did go, I fell apart too. I sound like you in my journals. He is a good guy, everyone will tell you that, he also gives me money and hasnt done crazy things with money. He just left me. Stopped loving me. I want everyone to be mad at him but they are not. His mother also said that I wanted this (he told her I asked him to leave) and I told her because he did not want to be here so why would I want him to stay.
Why is right, Why do I? I know too it wouldnt be the same. And it wont work but I miss the companionship. He said I too took it for granted he would never leave and I did. Why not, we were married, you were not supposed to give up.
Hang in there, thankfully we have this to help each other.
Chrissy - You are such a wonderful woman and mother - he knows that and so does his mother. I don\'t think she should have said the things she has to you regarding your relationship with her son. I know it\'s got to be very hard at times and awkward for family members and friends when this type of thing happens, but the reality is he\'s gone and he is with another. Regardless of what went on in your marriage - he was in control of fixing it too. Not someone else. He is seeing someone else right? You mentioned now that you\'re not 100% sure?
Making a marriage work takes two people, not one. I believe that\'s why we have so many divorces - most of the time they happen because there is only one trying to make it work and the other that just goes along without effort - then whoops - \"she was controlling\". I\'m sorry, that\'s just stupid. I hope you find peace within yourself. I know you will - but I hope soon. I\'m here for you if you need me. LOL
I could have written every word.
You are beautiful. You are loving and lovable. If you are open to love, it will come again. I have to believe that.
These are all very familiar feelings for me, too. I can empathize with you. His \"controlling\" excuse is just that- an excuse. It does not define you. You know that and others who really know you will know that, too. I have a mantra that I keep saying over and over in my head \"what other people think of you is none of your business.\" This is painful, and you didn\'t deserve it, but you will rise above it.
P.S. I love your Anna\'s hummingbird avatar!