Rambling, venting, hurting, coping

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and my first thought was at my age who would ever want to wake up next to someone who looks like this in the morning.  I have such bags and dark circles under my eyes.  The fine lines have become more dominant.  I felt so ugly - truly ugly.  As the day goes on it does look better, but first thing in the morning - ugggg!!!!  I feel so old anymore.  People tell me I'm an attractive woman, but I don't feel attractive and I don't see it.   I am so tired.  So tired of this crap.  So tired of thinking about it all the time.  Playing the waiting game.  Grabbing for straws and hope when there is none.  Playing the games in my head.   The post on the 3 types of divorce hit me hard.  I too think he has made me out to be the bad guy to his family.  This bothers me almost more than anything.  His mother called me controlling - the only way she would think this is if he said something to her.  If I was so controlling, how come I let him go do his own thing 40 weekends out of the year.  I let him take almost 4 weeks vacation to hunt, fish, boys weekends, etc. without the family.    If I was so controlling how was he able to do this.  Then she said, "well, you liked it when he was gone didn't you?"  What !!!!!!  He must have told her that I wanted him gone all the time, that I liked it when he was.  What choice did I have.   I took care of him, the kids, the house, the yard, the finances, the animals, the doctor appointments, the car maintenance - everything.  I guess if that's controlling then I'm guilty, but someone had to step up to the plate and take care of things cause Lord knows he wasn't around enough to do it.  I know in my heart I was the best wife I could be under the circumstances.  The circumstances were that he quit on our marriage 10 years ago.  What kind of wife was i supposed to be when I didn't feel important or loved by him.  I knew a long time ago that I was a low priority in his life.  But I hung in there, loving him even though he didn't love me the same way.  He never told me this though.  I only see it now in hind sight.   I know I am a loving, affectionate and kind person.  I have a big heart with a never-ending supply of love.  He could have had the best of everything if only he gave a little of himself.  He choose to start this circle of resentment and disrespect and I naturally followed suit when my emotional needs weren't getting met.  How long could I stay the loving doormat when I knew he didn't care anymore.  I tried, I know I tried to save it a long time ago but he never helped me.  He never fought for it like I did.  He choose the easy way out when someone new came along.  I know this woman was not the source of our problems, they started long before she came into the picture, but I know she was the encouragement he needed to walk out on his family.  He doesn't need a wife, he needs a mother.  His mother is such a saint - or a doormat - whichever way you choose to look at it.  That's what he wants.  Someone to cater to his every need and be happy doing it while getting nothing in return.  Someone to make his life easier while he selfishly goes about his own life.  That's why he didn't leave until there was someone else to pick up where I left off. I don't have 100% proof that there is a relationship there, but it doesn't matter to what extent their relationship is, the fact that he let this woman into our marriage will never allow me to trust him again. I'm on the fence here - part of me is still living in the past hopes and dreams and the other part of me is trying to look towards the future hopes and dreams.  I know they are there, I'm just having a hard time really letting go of the past.  Maybe because I'm not divorced just yet and it's holding me back from moving completely forward.  I think part of me (a small part) still hopes that this is all just a bad nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and say whew!!!! I'm glad that's not real.  But I know it is real and to tell you the truth, I don't know if I could take him back even if he did want to come back.  So much hurt and distrust has happened these last few months.   Since he left, I find myself seeing couples doing things together as simple as grocery shopping, yard work, walking, bike riding, etc.  We never did any of these things.  He just stopped including me in everything.  He truly lived his own life.  Why couldn't I see this happening?  How could I be so blind as to not see him seperating himself from me and the kids.  He's hardly even called them in the last 3 weeks - ever since I opened the door for him to have a relationship with them, he hasn't called them to get together.  I don't think he really wants to and he was just using me as his excuse not to.  He was blaming me for poisoning their minds and now that the door is open, he's not even using it.  I don't get this. The thing is when I hear about all these physically and verbally abuseive husbands, or the emotional abuse some of the DS woman (and men) have had to live with - I didn't have any of that.  My stbx is really one of the good guys, discounting what has happened the last 5 months.  He was never mean to me, well sometimes he would say hateful and hurtful things in the heat of an argument, but his good qualities really did outshine his bad.  Because of this it's hard for me to say I'm better of without him because it really wasn't that bad in my eyes.  Even now he's doing the right thing by paying all the bills when some men have left their wives in total financial poverty.  He hasn't done that.  I hate what he's done and how he's done it, but I don't hate him.  I don't love him like I did anymore either, but I don't hate him. I hope the day comes when he realizes what he's lost and really feels regret.  I know myself and many others have told me, he had the best thing going by having me as a wife.  No one would have stuck around as long as I did letting him live his own life even while being married with a family.   Well I said at the start of this journal that I would be rambling, venting, hurting, coping and I guess I've put a lot of thoughts down here today.  No answers, just thoughts and feelings.  Thanks for reading my journal - sorry it was so long.