Rambling Thoughts
Been working my butt off this week, because I have to cover for someone on vacation. Worked 12 hours yesterday, on my feet all day. Came home, ate, showered, and went to bed.
I don't know why I do it. I love what I do, but what is my purpose in life? My grandkids came to see me at work, they came into town, for Santa pictures. I just don't seem to have the time to spend any quality time with them. There are 4 boys, so the only time I spend quality time is on their birthday. I take them out for lunch and a movie, just them.
I trying to start some projects on the house. I'm getting someone to replace my front door, a window and repair the front porch. I started pulling off wallpaper in the bathroom, because I wanted to paint it, but now I have a messed up wall, because I don't have the time to work on it, or I just keep putting it off.
I went to the casino today after working 9 hours. I spent 40 dollars, so it wasn't too bad. Sometimes, I feel I need to reward myself, after working so much. My husband hated the casino, but would go with me occasionly. He said I should just drive by, and throw a 20 on the steps and keep going. He though it was a waste of time and money. It's something I like, but I don't go crazy with spending.
I wanted to join the YMCA, but I put that off too. I have to go and sign up and get it over with. They have yoga classes I want to go to.
I need to send out Christmas cards, finish buying christmas presents, wrapping them, all the stuff that goes along with it. I used to make rum balls, and fudge. I'm not too sure, I'll get to that this year.
Sometimes, I feel like running away, but where would I go? I'm already alone, I'd be alone wherever I went.
I cry over everything. I couldn't watch some you tubes of songs that were posted, I cry enough, without seeing sad songs.
I had Let it Be, by the Beatles played at my husbands service. Now I'll always think of him, now Yesterday is playing on the TV, and again, I'm crying. He loved the Beatles. Now I have all of this memoriblia and for what? I think I have every Beatle album that was made. My husband collected everything. Now how do I get rid of it?
I feel like I need a dump truck parked outside, and just let loose and get rid of everything. I know I wouldn't do it.
Time passes, and nothing gets done. Yesterday I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to do at home. I was sweeping at 10pm. I was determined to get the list finished.
I have to force myself to go shower, to get ready for bed. I never seem to get to sleep before 11 or 12. I get up at 5am.
I need a social life, but I'm so used to working, and coming home to be with my husband. We used to go out to eat, every 2 weeks or so. A movie maybe once a month. Our social life, was with each other. I guess we were pretty boring. I'm not comfortable at social actitivies. My 40th class reunion is coming up next year, I already said I wasn't going. I went to the 20th. I just can't get excited about it.
Need to get to bed. Skipping the shower tonight. Spit bath tonight.
I don't know why I do it. I love what I do, but what is my purpose in life? My grandkids came to see me at work, they came into town, for Santa pictures. I just don't seem to have the time to spend any quality time with them. There are 4 boys, so the only time I spend quality time is on their birthday. I take them out for lunch and a movie, just them.
I trying to start some projects on the house. I'm getting someone to replace my front door, a window and repair the front porch. I started pulling off wallpaper in the bathroom, because I wanted to paint it, but now I have a messed up wall, because I don't have the time to work on it, or I just keep putting it off.
I went to the casino today after working 9 hours. I spent 40 dollars, so it wasn't too bad. Sometimes, I feel I need to reward myself, after working so much. My husband hated the casino, but would go with me occasionly. He said I should just drive by, and throw a 20 on the steps and keep going. He though it was a waste of time and money. It's something I like, but I don't go crazy with spending.
I wanted to join the YMCA, but I put that off too. I have to go and sign up and get it over with. They have yoga classes I want to go to.
I need to send out Christmas cards, finish buying christmas presents, wrapping them, all the stuff that goes along with it. I used to make rum balls, and fudge. I'm not too sure, I'll get to that this year.
Sometimes, I feel like running away, but where would I go? I'm already alone, I'd be alone wherever I went.
I cry over everything. I couldn't watch some you tubes of songs that were posted, I cry enough, without seeing sad songs.
I had Let it Be, by the Beatles played at my husbands service. Now I'll always think of him, now Yesterday is playing on the TV, and again, I'm crying. He loved the Beatles. Now I have all of this memoriblia and for what? I think I have every Beatle album that was made. My husband collected everything. Now how do I get rid of it?
I feel like I need a dump truck parked outside, and just let loose and get rid of everything. I know I wouldn't do it.
Time passes, and nothing gets done. Yesterday I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to do at home. I was sweeping at 10pm. I was determined to get the list finished.
I have to force myself to go shower, to get ready for bed. I never seem to get to sleep before 11 or 12. I get up at 5am.
I need a social life, but I'm so used to working, and coming home to be with my husband. We used to go out to eat, every 2 weeks or so. A movie maybe once a month. Our social life, was with each other. I guess we were pretty boring. I'm not comfortable at social actitivies. My 40th class reunion is coming up next year, I already said I wasn't going. I went to the 20th. I just can't get excited about it.
Need to get to bed. Skipping the shower tonight. Spit bath tonight.
Replies
you must have had the same channel on as i did. i heard yesterday on the tv and ran for the remote. it is one of those songs that rips right through me.
i find my to do list just keeps growing, it is too easy to blow things off. i have yet to get xmas decorations up.
but everyday i try to make it one minute better then the day before!!
hugs to you
judi
I know where you are coming from. Oh how often I feel like running away! This summer I was extremely stressed with my business and it seemed daily that George Strait song \"Just Give it Away\" was my theme song. And the social life thing - yep, I keep saying that too. Dan and I were together always and never needed or wanted friends. I have no social life. Just my kids and grandkids. I would say never get rid of his Beatles memorabilia. But of course I am a HUGE Beatles fan, my favorite of all time, so I couldn\'t see ever parting with it. But my husband loved the Xfiles and I could never get rid of any of his XFiles memorabilia. Don\'t think I have ever watched a full episode but he owned every single season on DVD and they will stay right in the cabinet where he left them. Hugs, Angie
I think we are all in the same boat. Too much to do, lack of enthusiasm to do it.. who wants to think about it let alone actually doing it. I\'m giving myself permission to just get through the next few weeks as softly and gently as I can, when the cold winds of January and February come blowing into town I will be happy to have busy hands in the house... perhaps then I can tackle my to-do list...
Blessings,
Linda
Things seem overwhelming now but don\'t give up on the reunion just yet. By next year you may feel like going. I hope you do. Diane
Your feelings are like mine in so many ways. Finding enthusiasm to do things you need to do, or even want to do, is very hard. I just know having talked to so many widows and widowers that forcing yourself to do some of them is really important. Primarily the social things. Pick the ones that seem the least painful, and go for it, is what I have come to realize I must do. I need to recognize things are different and no matter what I do they won\'t ever be the same and it is time to move forward and grow into a new portrait of my life. Much will stay the same, of course, but I realize much must change as well. It is not easy, but I believe it will be worth it.
Make the time! You have all there is and there is none to waste! Not one second. Whatever it takes spend the time with the grand kids. They won\'t be this age for long and they need the memories as much as you do. There is no time to waste. A dirty house won\'t break anyone\'s heart but not knowing one\'s grand kids can.
Ken
WOW - you sound just like me!! I work all the time and have no time for anything. (For a while I worked 1 full time & 3 pt jobs the last yr my husband was alive.) I start home projects - tear off wall paper - then leave it. We played Beatles songs at my husband\'s memorial - he loved the Beatles. I liked to gamble - he didn\'t. I\'m up till 12 or 1 - then up at 5 or 5:30. I talked about running away too - maybe you can run to IL and I could run to LA - never been there before. Only thing I don\'t have is grandkids -can\'t wait - but I think it will be a while. Hang in there - one day we\'ll probably be sitting in a rocker saying \"I wish I could do something - and not be able to get up\".
Try to get to a yoga class. I\'m mot very good at it, but I find that the benefit is immediate. It sets my mind at ease, puts things in perspective that I can\'t get any other way. Just a suggestion. One day at a time, right?
Jules