Rambling about My Disoders
Today was pretty slow. I woke up early, and didn't sleep much (just got about 9 hours with no nap) but not for lack of trying. I spent a lot of time in bed trying to fall asleep again. That, and I like being in bed. It's comfy and warm. I did move my laptop into the office today for a couple hours, and moved the charger in there so I am forced to use the laptop mainly in the office, but right now I'm getting ready for bed, so I'm in bed again. I hope I can sleep tonight and that I'm not starting to go hypomanic. I just increased my Prozac, so that's a risk.
Oh, I talked to my psych yesterday and he confirmed my correct diagnosis is Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar. I've known that for a while, but it was nice to have it confirmed. My sister was the first one to tell me the proper name, but the name is just a label. I'm still bipolar and schizophrenic to me, and most people out there don't know what Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder is anyway. I don't need someone to tell me what I'm labelled to act that way, I act some way and then they put a label on me. My actions don't change with the labels. For many years I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Psychotic Features, but that didn't change how I hallucinated (randomly, as opposed to in the middle of a bipolar episode).
My sister doesn't like how I'm Bipolar 1 since I've been manic once (or anyone who has just been manic) and that I have the more severe form of bipolar for life. I get a lot of hypomanic episodes, but I've only had one all out mania. That was before I even knew what mania was. I only look back on it and think "Yup, that was mania". I didn't even know there was something wrong at the time. That's pretty normal for someone who is manic- they just feel great and think they can do anything. I thought I could jump off the Stratosphere Tower in Las Vegas and be okay. It didn't seem odd to me until much later, and my friends I was with didn't notice too much since we were all partying and having fun.
Okay, that's enough rambling about my disorders for now. It's just that I didn't do anything today, so I don't have much to talk about. I can say how I went to the gym and worked out- I thought my legs were going to snap under the weight I first put the leg machine on. I pushed my arms until I couldn't anymore, but they aren't sore as normal. I don't get sore from machines or strength training. I know it means I'm not working hard enough, but I don't know what else to do besides increase weights or reps. The leg machine I can't increase the weight anymore, the arm machine I try and increase the reps until I can't do it anymore. I only have 3 machines to work with. The treadmill is still broken, the pools are closed (but that doesn't stop kids from jumping the fence) and just things are in general disrepair. Especially considering we just had inspection from the investors. You would think it would be in better shape. Oh well.
Mood- I'm going to put okay since I don't know if I'm going hypomanic or not. Stress- I took a nice hot bath today and relaxed, don't feel too stressed out. Food- I had oatmeal for breakfast, some rice and veggies for lunch, and regular dinner. I made myself some quesidillas for a snack. I'm low on protein if I don't eat my second piece of chicken for the night, but I'm stuffed right now and can't bother to eat any more. Oh well, I was high on protein on Sunday so it works out in the end I think.
Oh, I talked to my psych yesterday and he confirmed my correct diagnosis is Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar. I've known that for a while, but it was nice to have it confirmed. My sister was the first one to tell me the proper name, but the name is just a label. I'm still bipolar and schizophrenic to me, and most people out there don't know what Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder is anyway. I don't need someone to tell me what I'm labelled to act that way, I act some way and then they put a label on me. My actions don't change with the labels. For many years I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Psychotic Features, but that didn't change how I hallucinated (randomly, as opposed to in the middle of a bipolar episode).
My sister doesn't like how I'm Bipolar 1 since I've been manic once (or anyone who has just been manic) and that I have the more severe form of bipolar for life. I get a lot of hypomanic episodes, but I've only had one all out mania. That was before I even knew what mania was. I only look back on it and think "Yup, that was mania". I didn't even know there was something wrong at the time. That's pretty normal for someone who is manic- they just feel great and think they can do anything. I thought I could jump off the Stratosphere Tower in Las Vegas and be okay. It didn't seem odd to me until much later, and my friends I was with didn't notice too much since we were all partying and having fun.
Okay, that's enough rambling about my disorders for now. It's just that I didn't do anything today, so I don't have much to talk about. I can say how I went to the gym and worked out- I thought my legs were going to snap under the weight I first put the leg machine on. I pushed my arms until I couldn't anymore, but they aren't sore as normal. I don't get sore from machines or strength training. I know it means I'm not working hard enough, but I don't know what else to do besides increase weights or reps. The leg machine I can't increase the weight anymore, the arm machine I try and increase the reps until I can't do it anymore. I only have 3 machines to work with. The treadmill is still broken, the pools are closed (but that doesn't stop kids from jumping the fence) and just things are in general disrepair. Especially considering we just had inspection from the investors. You would think it would be in better shape. Oh well.
Mood- I'm going to put okay since I don't know if I'm going hypomanic or not. Stress- I took a nice hot bath today and relaxed, don't feel too stressed out. Food- I had oatmeal for breakfast, some rice and veggies for lunch, and regular dinner. I made myself some quesidillas for a snack. I'm low on protein if I don't eat my second piece of chicken for the night, but I'm stuffed right now and can't bother to eat any more. Oh well, I was high on protein on Sunday so it works out in the end I think.
Replies
Thanks for describing your disorders .. i agree a label is just a name it dont matter what they call it ... you feel the way you do no matter what the name... i feel the same way. I think exsessive stress is bringin on something for me and i just cant seem to get out of it... like its to strong for me to fight off and im emotionally drained. i hope your not going hypo hope you feel better tomarrow.
I agree with good2go2001
You are doing great with your exercise. Don\'t worry that your arms aren\'t sore .. you are still working out. it will help you build muscle and burn calories.
Like yyour page on sparks. it\'s great.
Kep up the good work you are doing. Enjoy your volunteering .
You will have more to write about the volunteering.
Labels are just that, we can\'t change how we are or how we act by our label allthough some people will say we can. don\'t worry about the label, people will think what they want about us know matter what the label says.