Ramblings
My AH will start a very good paying job next week as long as his background check comes back good. Which it should. He does have a DUI from about 5 or 6 years ago, but I don't think that would cause them not to hire him. This will be a job making more than he has ever made. He asked me the other night why God would bless him with a job like that when he was so undeserving. I used to think God was giving him opportunities to quit his addiction and with each failure there came a price, such as losing a job. But I don't think that is God's ways, so I begin to think more about it.
I don't pretend to know God's heart and mind, but I do feel like He has blessed our family with this so that we could get out of debt and be prepared for when my AH is no longer with us. I think that God knows he will not quit drinking and smoking and He is wanting me to not have to worry about debt when something bad happens. Whether that be he ends up with cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, having a wreck while drinking and ending up killing himself or worse ending up killing some innocent person or family and then being sent to prison. I can't imagine that with being a diabetic and putting his body through all that he is that it will not catch up with him sooner rather than later. It is sad to think about such things, but I just feel that may be why God chose to put him in this position.
So, for my part, I plan on really working hard at using every cent available to pay off debt and then start saving like a mad person. I know that AH will not quit buying his vodka and cigars, and I am to the point that I just about don't care anymore. I have prayed for him to quit for years and now I am going to pray that I get things stable so that should something happen that me and my kids will be okay financially anyway.
I told AH my thoughts and he got mad. Said that the only reason I was happy he had this job was for the life insurance I will collect when he dies. Whatever. I just don't know how we got to where we are. I have no real feelings for him. I am thankful to have my 3 kids and I know that without him being in my life that I wouldn't have them. To me that is pretty much the best thing that have come out of our almost 17 years together. We do not have any sexual relationship anymore. The baby (18 months) sleeps with us and we are in a house that does not have any extra rooms to sneak off to do anything. It is okay by me, not sure what his feeling are about it, but I honestly don't care at this point. I am not attracted to him anymore. I wonder if I ever really was. I think I was desperate to get married and did it for all the wrong reasons. At the time I was not a Christian and neither was he. Although I still wonder if he truly is, he has accepted Jesus as savior, but he sure doesn't show a change. I actually think he is worse since accepting Christ.
I know I am rambling. I just want a husband who is committed to being a godly father. One who is on fire for the Lord. One who teaches his boys how to be godly young men and fathers and shows an example to his daughter what a godly daddy and husband is. I want to be able to know that he puts his family first after God. Alcohol and Cigars are his gods. The will always be first for him. So for me, my plan is to make sure to do what I can do to get us in a good financial place.
I don't pretend to know God's heart and mind, but I do feel like He has blessed our family with this so that we could get out of debt and be prepared for when my AH is no longer with us. I think that God knows he will not quit drinking and smoking and He is wanting me to not have to worry about debt when something bad happens. Whether that be he ends up with cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, having a wreck while drinking and ending up killing himself or worse ending up killing some innocent person or family and then being sent to prison. I can't imagine that with being a diabetic and putting his body through all that he is that it will not catch up with him sooner rather than later. It is sad to think about such things, but I just feel that may be why God chose to put him in this position.
So, for my part, I plan on really working hard at using every cent available to pay off debt and then start saving like a mad person. I know that AH will not quit buying his vodka and cigars, and I am to the point that I just about don't care anymore. I have prayed for him to quit for years and now I am going to pray that I get things stable so that should something happen that me and my kids will be okay financially anyway.
I told AH my thoughts and he got mad. Said that the only reason I was happy he had this job was for the life insurance I will collect when he dies. Whatever. I just don't know how we got to where we are. I have no real feelings for him. I am thankful to have my 3 kids and I know that without him being in my life that I wouldn't have them. To me that is pretty much the best thing that have come out of our almost 17 years together. We do not have any sexual relationship anymore. The baby (18 months) sleeps with us and we are in a house that does not have any extra rooms to sneak off to do anything. It is okay by me, not sure what his feeling are about it, but I honestly don't care at this point. I am not attracted to him anymore. I wonder if I ever really was. I think I was desperate to get married and did it for all the wrong reasons. At the time I was not a Christian and neither was he. Although I still wonder if he truly is, he has accepted Jesus as savior, but he sure doesn't show a change. I actually think he is worse since accepting Christ.
I know I am rambling. I just want a husband who is committed to being a godly father. One who is on fire for the Lord. One who teaches his boys how to be godly young men and fathers and shows an example to his daughter what a godly daddy and husband is. I want to be able to know that he puts his family first after God. Alcohol and Cigars are his gods. The will always be first for him. So for me, my plan is to make sure to do what I can do to get us in a good financial place.
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