Rambling.....
So H currently deployed for a year, no contact with OW (or so he says and I decided to believe it, dont have proof of contact).
I've done everything in my power for this marriage to work. I feel like I have humilliated myself in the process, I cried and I begged. I had some pride when it came to relationships, I didnt want to be with somebody that didnt want me as much as I wanted them. I used to tell me myself that I would never cried or begged to a man but here I am after one PA and current EA. I never thought that I could forgive an infidelity, that was a deal breaker for me but here I am, I feel defeated. I feel tired and exhausted, me the one always giving but not getting enough in return. I want more, I deserve more and better. He is trying, we are better this year than we were last year but the hurt and the pain its taking its toll. I love my H more than anything but I'm so tired of wanting, waiting, expecting more. He was the one that fail so why does it feel that I'm the one doing all the work, I'm the one forgiving, forgetting and trying to move on. I've been desperate, paranoid, suicidal, clingy, needy........I think it's time for me. I started sending emails, letters, presents, talking about the future but I don't get the responses that I want. He is always busy, working........no time for me, no time for writing. I have explained to him over and over what I want and need, that I want his affection, attention and devotion. I'm tired of telling him, now I feel like keeping my emotions to myself, what is the point of telling him over and over, he knows how I feel and what I want. He still asks how am I doing, if I'm uspet he asks why...well he already knows so I don't see the point of repeating myself over and over, I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm the one withdrawing, withdrawing myself emotionally cause I'm tired of getting hurt. Sometimes it feels like he gives me more to other people, to his coworkers, to his friends, to his family than he does to me. Just some days are better than others.......I'm still grieving for what I used to have and still want so bad. I started doing the 180 but it hurts, I want to reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me but why? He already knows............God grant me strenght to survive this difficult times!!
I've done everything in my power for this marriage to work. I feel like I have humilliated myself in the process, I cried and I begged. I had some pride when it came to relationships, I didnt want to be with somebody that didnt want me as much as I wanted them. I used to tell me myself that I would never cried or begged to a man but here I am after one PA and current EA. I never thought that I could forgive an infidelity, that was a deal breaker for me but here I am, I feel defeated. I feel tired and exhausted, me the one always giving but not getting enough in return. I want more, I deserve more and better. He is trying, we are better this year than we were last year but the hurt and the pain its taking its toll. I love my H more than anything but I'm so tired of wanting, waiting, expecting more. He was the one that fail so why does it feel that I'm the one doing all the work, I'm the one forgiving, forgetting and trying to move on. I've been desperate, paranoid, suicidal, clingy, needy........I think it's time for me. I started sending emails, letters, presents, talking about the future but I don't get the responses that I want. He is always busy, working........no time for me, no time for writing. I have explained to him over and over what I want and need, that I want his affection, attention and devotion. I'm tired of telling him, now I feel like keeping my emotions to myself, what is the point of telling him over and over, he knows how I feel and what I want. He still asks how am I doing, if I'm uspet he asks why...well he already knows so I don't see the point of repeating myself over and over, I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm the one withdrawing, withdrawing myself emotionally cause I'm tired of getting hurt. Sometimes it feels like he gives me more to other people, to his coworkers, to his friends, to his family than he does to me. Just some days are better than others.......I'm still grieving for what I used to have and still want so bad. I started doing the 180 but it hurts, I want to reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me but why? He already knows............God grant me strenght to survive this difficult times!!
Replies
I started doing the 180 but it hurts, I want to reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me but why? He already knows............God grant me strenght to survive this difficult times!!
I hope you are doing this for you. To get you back. That is the power of the 180. I got your back in this.
The 180 was my natural response to discovering my H\'s affair. I just started doing it before I knew what it even was. Two weeks later I found a link on it and really dug my heals into it. It helped me gain control over ME in a big way and start gathering up those shreds of dignity that were laying around. It helped me focus on the kids. It helped me just start plowing through.
stay strong.
Ok. Back to step one: take care of your self first.
If you need response from him, and he\'s not able to provide it...then accept that as his response.
Move on.
Remember, you have the choice to change how you look at the situation. I can tell from the way you are writing that you are \"stuck\" at the moment.
Please know that you can help your self through this quagmire by using the positive words to replace the ones that create tension, turmoil, and \"hurt feelings\".
I\'m not trying to be mean, just giving you the courage to step forward, yes, it may be even more frustrating to put the energy you are currently using to work on this, towards a different situation, however, it will help you.
Hang in there, you are not alone. Stay strong, you can do this!
State and Mideyebrow - I am doing this for me, I dont know if for the right reasons, I feel like building a wall around me. I am going to counseling, doing things for me (hair, nails, going out with the girls.....), exercising (I have lost 20 pounds and it feels so good!!!). My mind is doing the right thing but my heart is in so much pain that is hard to think sometimes. I want to move on just sometimes I found it so difficult. Thanks for your words!!! It means a lot!