rambles

My lack of sleep forced me to shower at 6am this morning, so I would be at the doctors office by 8am when it opened. I don't have a primary doctor anymore, as I've fired the last 3 for lack of common sense and I have no hopes in finding one I like. I don't care either. I just want a primary so I can go, get an antibiotic, and be on my way. I refuse to take drugs for my PHN and though the pain may be worse, I feel like a human being and not some zombie from Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Some may think this isn't smart, but I'm 21 years old and too young to be on some pills that alter the person I am. I've tried them. And I hated the person I became. Nor do I want needles in my spine for some Nerve Blocks they say will work. No thank you. And yet, I'm paranoid about even walking into the doctors office, knowing they are drug happy when it comes to chronic pain. I seriously need to get over this fear. I've been like this since I was a kid. And yet here I am, an adult and just as afraid as I was then. Only now I have to go alone. I have to make the decision to get in my car and go. You wouldn't think this would be such a big deal.. But when they were trying to diagnose my pain 4 years ago, they drew my blood everyday for 4 months. It was traumatizing. And I remember sitting in the hospital parking lot in my car and crying. Fear of the unknown, the pain itself, and the hundreds of tests it takes.. All so they can tell you we don't know how to help you, here's a prescription for Vicodin, Codeine, tegretol ... Come back in a few months. Maybe I'm mistaking my fear for anger....