Rainy Day Today ! UGH !!

  It's so Grey outside it's like Nighttime even though it's almost 10 AM in the Morning right now. I hate Days like this. I hate them not only because they're so dismal, and depressing, but also because when it rains ALL DAY like it probably will Today that'll mean that My Knees will be hurting a LOT more than Usual ALL DAY LONG !!!!It doesn't help matters any that I woke up before My Bf, and just because He saw that I was Online when He got up, He looked over at Me as IF I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing ! You know that look, I'm sure. It's a combination of a Stare, and a Glare, that's done in complete silence, but a Look like that really needs NO words to go with it anyway. I'm tired of my current Bf being so damn Paranoid, and staring over my Shoulder literally, every move I make ! I'm monitored by Him as IF I'm in Jail ! He needs to Stop it, or He's OUT ! I won't live like this ! I lived in FEAR because of My Last Bf's abusive Ways, and I WON'T live like I'm in JAIL because of this Bf's Paranoid ' hang ups ' ! Granted, YES I made a couple of Mistakes recently. BUT, I admitted I was Wrong, and that I shouldn't have done what I did, and I Promised it would NEVER happen again ! So I feel that should have been the ' END OF THE STORY ' as far as that goes ! But OH NO ! He feels He has the Right to watch My EVERY SINGLE MOVE now, and whenever the Phone Rings... " OMG ! "... He practically runs to the Phone to check the Caller ID to see WHO Called ! I recognize the Fact that PART of His Paranoia is My Fault, but I'll be DAMNED if I take responsibility for ALL OF IT ! Besides, in ANY Relationship there's ALWAYS the Chance that One, or Both of You, will make Mistakes. It's how You handle them, and move on that counts, I think. At least that's how I see it. Isn't it important to Forgive, and Move On... IF You Truly want the Relationship to Work Out ? What do You think ???? The " Mistakes " that I've been referring to that I made are very embarressing for Me to admit on here, but I feel that at least a few of You I think will understand HOW it can happen. I never claimed with My Current Bf that I was PERFECT, anyways ! Here goes.... This is what happened. For a Long while I had been trying to maintain a " Friendship " with My ExBf. Yes, I do mean the Last Bf I had that was Abusive towards Me.So I guess from the Start, I was Wrong for thinking I could be " JUST FRIENDS ", with My ExBf.But, I couldn't help it. It was Something that I just couldn't resist. I felt like since I had shared " Something " with Him for SO LONG, even though it had Very Terrible Times thanks to His RAGE; I still didn't want to ' completely ' lose the Connection We shared for so Long. Was that completely NUTS of Me ?? Maybe it was, I don't know.I knew that trying to be ' FRIENDS ' with my Exbf held it's Risks, since He is a Big Liar, and has a definite habit of trying to use people for His own purposes. But, I went into it knowing all of that... with My Eyes wide open to how My ExBf really is.. and YET, I still wanted to be His Friend anyway.The Thing is, I forgot completely that with My ExBf the LINE between FRIENDS, and SOMETHING MORE, is a Very Thin Line that sometimes disappears without You even realizing it. So during a couple of Phone Calls.... brought on by Him having Problems with the Women He's been Dating, I think .... He started Talking Very Sexually Graphically to Me about what He would want to do with Me... to Me.. ETC... LOL... I think You can fill in the Blanks. The Problem is, that I got caught up in this too much, and ended up saying certain Things BACK TO HIM during that Conversation ! It was right when I was saying something back to My ExBf on the Phone, that My Current Bf walked into the Room... and stood behind the Recliner Chair that I was sitting in ! He scared Me half to death by the Way He stared down at Me silently ! I didn't know WHAT He was going to do ! Of course, I hung up very quickly, and naturally a HUGE arguement ensued right away that lasted I'd say a good 3 HOURS, or MORE ! I know I shouldn't have spoken like that to My ExBf, and I told My Current Bf that, as well as apologizing OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN for it ! But NOTHING I said was ENOUGH ! He kept Drilling Me about Me even wanting to be " Friends " with My ExBf ! He questioned Me OVER AND OVER so much I told Him that I'm sick of being questioned like I'm in JAIL ! Plus, I told Him the Truth when I said that it was My ExBf that initially started the Conversation. But I do realize that doesn't mean much since I did willingly participate in it. I tried to point out to My Bf that it didn't mean a Thing to Me ! I told Him that it's JUST Fantasy, and NOTHING More ! But He KEPT insisting that to Him it's " CHEATING " ! Anyways, after that FIRST Phone Call, I swore it would NEVER happen again, and I meant it.... YET, somehow It ended up happening ONE More Time ! It was the Same situation all over again ! My ExBf had started Talking to Me " like that " on the Phone, and I quickly found Myself responding in kind with the Same Sort of Talk right back to Him. It happened so Fast that I barely knew what was going on until I found Myself in the " Thick of Things " all over again... just like the First Time ! I told Him that I don't see it as ' Cheating ', since it's not like I met up with Him in PERSON ! But, I don't know... maybe it is cheating, since I definitely wasn't thinking of My Current Bf when I was talking to My Exbf on the Phone ?! I feel bad that I hurt My Current Bf because of those 2 Calls, but I've done ALL that I can do ! I've already apologized till I'm blue in the Face, and I even Promised that I WON'T talk to My Exbf on the Phone anymore ! He wanted Me to swear that I won't be FRIENDS AT ALL with My ExBf anymore, but I wouldn't do it ! I couldn't see being TOLD who I can, or CAN'T be Friends with... regardless of whether the ' FRIEND ' in Question is My ExBf, or not. I told Him He has NO RIGHT to try to do that ! So I made a so-called Compromise, and said I wouldn't talk to My ExBf on the Phone anymore. IF My Current Bf had His Way He would have Me NOT talk to My ExBf on the Phone, or even Contact Him Online either ! He actually told Me during a couple of the recent arguements... " It's Either HIM, OR ME ! WHICH IS IT ?!?!?! "I didn't answer that, because I knew it wouldn't have even mattered WHAT I had said.... NOTHING I would have said at that point would have sunk in ! It would have ALL been WRONG !So anyways... I think I got through to My Exbf about the hassles I've been going through THANKS TO HIM !... since He hasn't called me since I called Him last Friday.I called My ExBf Last Friday to tell Him about all of the Arguements I've had to deal with ALL Thanks to Him wanting to ' Talk Dirty ' to Me on the Phone ! Plus, I explained how My Current Bf wants Me to cut ALL contact with Him, but I don't want that. I told Him that We can remain in contact Online, but other than that I don't know. I'm just SICK AND TIRED of my current Bf being so DAMN PARANOID now ! Now He acts as IF EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME I go Online that I'm talking to My ExBf, or maybe some Other Guy ! God Forbid... whenever I type out a Blog Entry now My Current Bf is COMPLETELY PARANOID that I'm " talking about Him " in My Writing ! LOL... Get a Grip ! It's like EVERY MOVE I make now is about HIM ! It doesn't help that He has a LOT of Very Annoying Habits that I'm not so sure I can tolerate for the ' Long Term ' ! He talks as IF He's some sort of ' God's Gift to Women ' ! AND He's even gone as far as telling Me that ALL of His ExGfs have said that They Lost a WONDERFUL GUY ! His Habits, and Ways, are VERY Annoying... so He's NOT so DAMN PERFECT ! He's a decent Guy, and Overall He is a ' Nice Guy '.... but when You have to remind someone to Take Out of the Garbage about 5 TIMES before They'll FINALLY DO IT about 3 Days later, AND when They Leave Spills in the Kitchen for " OTHERS " to thoroughly clean Up instead of cleaning it up RIGHT themselves, AND when they leave Dishes STACKED UP in the Kitchen Sink Overnight and well into the NEXT Day.... NOT taking care of it UNTIL You Ask Them to about 3 or 4 Times.... ALL OF THIS CAN ADD UP to a LOT OF AGGRAVATION !!!!!! Besides all of that, there's even little things that annoy the heck out of Me, like the Way I've asked Him to do something about His BAD BREATH about 20 TIMES now, but He STILL HASN'T DONE A DAMN THING ABOUT IT ! Yet, He thinks I should feel Desire towards Him ! LOL He WON'T truly HEAR ME when I tell Him that I'm NOT ' In The Mood ' ! I end up having to tell Him OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.... AND STILL He'll keep saying, " Well, let Me know later on IF You change Your Mind ! " UGH !!!!! He SNORES, but won't even make an Effort to do ANYTHING ABOUT IT !!!! So maybe it's No Wonder that I slipped up, and those TWO Phone Calls with My ExBf happened ?!?! What do You think ???? He's laid such a HUGE GUILT TRIP on Me about it, that He walks around like I should be LICKING HIS FEET OR SOMETHING TO BEG FOR HIS FORGIVENESS BECAUSE OF IT !!!!!I'm sick of His ' POOR ME ' attitude ! Am I a Cold-Hearted Bit*h ? OR Do I have a RIGHT to be FED UP ????