Rainy days

 
I wish the rain would go away. My concern for the well-being of plants and trees is running slim right about now. The pulsing, throbbing, and shooting pains seem to drown out every other concern I have at the moment. The sky is turning dark, along with my desire to be productive today. The invisible needles have turned into a thousand butterfly needles. It never seems to amaze me of how much I truly fear the doctor and needles. You'd think I'd be able to handle it, to walk in the door of a Doctor's office with full confidence that I can handle it. But I don't. I'm secretley shaking inside, convincing myself that they'll diagnose me within five minutes of another obstacle I'll be forced to face. And yet... I'm sitting on my couch encountering the exact same pain a doctor inflicts in order to "help" you. Kind of ironic. Regardless, the rain makes living with Chronic Pain worse than on a sunny day. And of course this is easy to say, because what's now is now and I'll blame the rain for the pain I feel. And on a sunny day, I'll blame the heat. Chronic Pain forces you to find something to blame, and let's get real, it sometimes forces you to even blame someone else. But this is not the pain forcing you .. or me to do anything. We all have a choice in the way we interpret, react, and blame. It's a choice. And I think pain often validates your bad decisions and choices. Or at least you convince yourself that it does. It never does. Without the pain, you wouldn't react in a negative manner, so why is being in pain any different? These are the thoughts that run through my mind. These are the thoughts that run through my every move in order for me to remain a so-called "good person" and not become one of those people you meet in a Pain Management meeting who are so bitter about life, the meaning of it, everything that exists, and everything they encounter. I refuse to become that bitter woman who'd rather be angry than to whole-heartedly care, even if it seems like only a part of me cares. Because as someone in pain, you begin to realize that the pain that willingly shares sympathy and heartache is enough, without you yourself adding onto the pity journey. So yes, this pain is overwhelming, unbareable, miserable, pointless, traumatizing, any other word in the dictionary that defines pain, but is it worth losing your life over as  a human being, when this condition will never kill you? It's not. It's always going to be miserable, but everyday you feel stronger. And stronger. And stronger. And some days you'll feel like you can conquer the hell of all hell's and most days you'll feel as though you're being defeated by something that is completely irrational and almost mind boggling as to how your mind and your body feel as though they're in two completely different states. It'll throw you for a loop, drag you to the highest peak and down to the bottom of the ocean. And somewhere in between you're forced to smile, keep going, and be the person you were, the person you should've been, and the person you want to be... with pain as your shadow.