Rainy Day

Well it finally rained today. On and off most of the day. Not really cold, just wet. I went to the post office and mailed my apology, dropped off the one for here in the RV park. Haven't heard anything and don't really expect too. I guess I am becoming agoraphobic. After I mailed the card I was going to go to Goodwill to see about their job center, but I think my blood sugar must have been too low, I was real jittery, so I went to Wendy's and had a small salad and Ice tea. By the time I was done I still wasn't totally up to snuff, so when I saw the sheriff cleaning up from some kind of accident in front of Goodwill I just kept on going. All I really wanted to do was get back to the trailer. But there is nothing to do in this trailer. Again another day was wasted sitting here waiting for emails that will never come from my son or daughter. I just play computer games, and pick up around this trailer.Wow and that is a lot of work!! Being very facetious. I started watching TV around 5pm and will finish the night with TV. I know this is an example of how sick I am, but I just don't feel sick. I feel lost, which is how I've been feeling for a long time. But at least I am not crying. I still could cry especially if I had to discuss any thing about my family. But I am not going too. I still haven't heard from either one of my children. Nothing, from them. Why am I so needy that I can't believe that my kids don't want to have any thing to do with me? Why can't I just except that none of them ever cared anything for me and they never will. That is the #1 reason for the divorce. They never cared one second that I had cancer. As far as they were concerned I had nothing even as serious as a cold. I just did things to inconvenience them. But I love them! I was always there for them. NO matter how sick they were, no matter what I wanted to be doing I was there racking my brain on how to best help them. Doing the things I hate to do. Cleaning up their sickness,etc. But not one of them could help me, it wasn't fun for them. But I love them never the less. I will always love all of them and no matter what ever happens to any of them I will always drop whatever I am doing and help them if they are sick or need any kind of help. But at least I have learned never to believe they will ever be there for me when I need any kind of help or love. And with that knowledge I can forgive them for all they hurt me. And move on to accepting I am totally alone in this world. I think the reason I cry is because i am so embarrassed. How stupid could I have been all these years to think they loved me or could ever love me. My Mom tried to tell me and I refused to listen to her, which makes me cry because she died thinking and knowing that I still didn't believe her. And she was right. She used to tell me "I may not always be right, but I am never wrong!" I thought I had finally found something she was wrong about, but she wasn't. Meeting my ex was the first day of the worst of my life, I just didn't want to believe it. But now that is all behind me. Now I have to get back into the rat race and live a wonderful life of my choosing. So good night and maybe tomorrow I will have something good to write about, besides the fact I am still alive and kicking!