R.I.P. THUG: TIME FOR A RESSURECTION

WOW.  IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A 2 WEEK PERIOD.  MY WIFE AND I HAVE SEEN THE VERY FULLEST EXTENT OF EACH OTHERS DARKEST SIDES AND YET WE ARE STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE.  MY DARK SIDE HAS BEEN VERY WELL DOCUMENTED FROM DAY ONE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN I FREELY OFFERED HER A COPY OF MY BOOK, "PSALMS OF A THUG" THE FIRST NIGHT I MET HER.  BEFORE TWO WEEKS AGO, SHE NEVER GOT TO SEE IT IN PERSON, BUT SHE ALWAYS KNEW IT WAS THERE.  WHEN IT COMES TO HER DARK SIDE, SHE TOLD ME A FEW STORIES, BUT I COULD NEVER SEE THAT REALLY BEING SOMETHING THAT SHE WAS CAPABLE OF ALTHOUGH SHE DID HAVE THE PROOF OF THE SCARS ON HER WRISTS IN PLAIN SITE FOR ME TO NOTICE.  WELL, OVER THE PAST WEEK, I HAVE SEEN HER DEMONS COME OUT IN ALL THEIR GLORY, AND I MUST SAY THAT IT DID SCARE ME, NOT TO MENTION THAT IT WAS A BIT OF A MIRROR FOR ME TO FULLY SEE WHAT I MUST OF LOOKED LIKE WHEN I ATTACKED HER MOM A WEEK BEFORE.  THERE ARE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OUR DEMONS AND THE WAY WE ACT OUT WHEN THEY COME OUT IN FULL FORCE.  SHE BLACKS OUT IN A FULL PSYCHOSIS CAUSED BY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND ATTACKS HERSELF WITH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WITH A SHARP BLADE, WHEREAS, I  AM TOLD THAT I AM SUCH A HORRIBLE AND ROTTEN AND SELFISH HUSBAND UNTIL MY ANGER BUILDS UP TO SUCH A POINT TO WHERE I KNOWINGLY SNAP AND ATTACK THE BULLY WITH RECKLOUS ABANDON.(DEBRA, THIS IS SIMPLY A CONFESSION FROM MY POINT OF VIEW)   IN ALL REALITY, WHAT MY WIFE AND I DO ARE REALLY THE SAME THING ONCE WE REACH OUR BREAKING POINTS, BUT WE JUST HAVE TWO OPPOSITE WAYS OF REACTING TO IT.  SADLY, YES, IT DOES ALL COME FROM OUR RESPECTIVE CHILDHOODS.  I WAS BULLIED FOR YEARS AND YEARS IN SCHOOL, AND SHE HAS BEEN ABUSED PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY FOR SEVERAL YEARS DURING HER UP-BRINGING.  THESE ARE OUR DEMONS THAT HAVE COME TO THE SURFACE IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS THAT NEED TO BE EXORCISED IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST.  AS FOR ME, I NEED TO BECOME A REAL MAN, AND ACTUALLY CONFRONT THE ISSUES WITH WORDS AND DISCUSSION AND IF IT GETS TOO HEATED, SIMPLY WALK AWAY AND RESUME THE DISCUSSIONS ONCE COOLER HEADS PREVAIL.  AS FOR HER, SHE IS IN THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HOSPITAL GETTING OFF OF THE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND GETTING HER MEDICATIONS LEVELED OUT TO THE PROPER BALANCE.  IN ALL REALITY, BOTH OF OUR PROBLEMS STEM FROM FEAR.  FEAR OF COMMUNICATING TO OVER-BEARING AND CONTROLLING PEOPLE OR TYPE  "A" PERSONALITIES.  WE BOTH SEVERLY COWARD TO SUCH PERSONALITIES UNTIL THE VOLCANO OF BEING NICE AND STUFFING TRUE AND CONSTRUCTIVE FEELINGS JUST EXPLODES INTO AN EPISODE OF PSYCHOSIS WHICH LANDS US EVERY TIME IN EITHER JAIL IN MY CASE, OR A PSYCH WARD IN HERS.  WE ARE BOTH SO LAID BACK AND EASY-GOING PEOPLE THAT WE JUST TAKE WHATEVER IS THROWN AT US AND TRY TO DEAL WITH IT AKA WE STUFF IT AND DENY IT EVER EXISTED.  INSTEAD, WE BOTH NEED TO CONSTRUCTIVELY SPEAK OUT OUR FEELINGS TO PEOPLE THAT ARE TALKING BAD ABOUT US OR DOING SOMETHING THAT WE WOULD JUST NORMALLY LET SLIDE WHICH AGAIN, REALLY JUST MEANS STUFF IT DEEP INSIDE OUR SOULS UNTIL WE JUST VOMIT WITH EXPLOSIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.  THAT'S WHY I SAY I AM SUCH A COWARD, AND I KNOW DANIELLE IS A COWARD TOO.  WE TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD, NICE AND LOVING PEOPLE THAT WE JUST TAKE ANYONES AND EVERYONES SHIT AND WE INTERNALIZE IT AND IT HAS JUST FINALLY EATEN US BOTH ALIVE AND WITHIN 1 WEEK OF EACH OTHER TOO.  I KNOW THAT I GET ABSOLUTLY PARALIZED BY FEAR AND STRESS WITH ANXIETY.  IF SOMETHING DOESN'T GO RIGHT IN LIFE, I SUDDENLY SHUT DOWN AND GO BLANK, AND I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I'M ABSOLUTELY PARALIZED WITH THE INNABLITY TO COPE WITH THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF LIFE.  SINCE MY DAD DIED, ALL I HAD WAS MY FAITH IN GOD TO HAVE HIM STEP IN AND GUIDE ME IN HOW TO TAKE 1 STEP FORWARD IN THIS PARALIZED STATE, AND THEN IT WOULD BEGIN TO FALL LIKE DOMINOES.  I COULD THEN TAKE THE NEXT STEP, AND THE STEP AFTER THAT, AND THEN THE PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED, BUT WITH THAT WAY OF LIVING, I HAD TO WAIT PATIENTLY AND EXPECTANTLY FOR THE HAND OF GOD TO SWOOP IN AND SAVE HIS CHILD FROM THIS HORRIBLE FEAR.  SO...THAT IS ALL I KNOW.  I KNOW IT WORKS EVERYTIME, BUT IT'S IN HIS TIME, AND NOT IN MINE, AND FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD, IT LOOKS LIKE I DON'T CARE AND I'M JUST BEING LAZY AND I'M BEING SELFISH, AND IT JUST DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE VERY REALISTIC OR LOGICAL, AND I REALIZE THAT, BUT MY FAITH IN THE MOST HIGH GOD IS ALL I HAVE AND IT'S ALL I'VE EVER HAD FOR THE LAST 15+ YEARS OF MY PITIFUL LIFE.  THERE'S THIS WHOLE SPIRITUAL THEORY OF GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES, AND IN A SENCE, I SAY THAT IS A LOAD OF HORSE SHIT, BECAUSE IF I COULD HELP MYSELF, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I NEED A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IN THE FIRST PLACE.  IF I COULD ALWAYS FIX ALL OF MY PROBLEMS, WHY WOULD I NEED GOD TO DO IT.  I WOULD BE GOD.  I CAN UNDERSTAND TAKING STEPS AND MAKING AN EFFORT, BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES DOWN TO IT, IT ALL COMES FROM GOD IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND I PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME EVERYTIME HE LEADS ME OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF DEMONS AND THE DAMAGE THAT MY SINS HAVE CAUSED.   ALL I REALLY WANT IN THIS WORLD IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND HAVE SIGNIFICANCE AS A HUMAN BEING AND A CHILD OF GOD.  I BELIEVE THAT CHRIST SAVED ME FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE AND MY IMMATURITY AND HOLDING ON SO TIGHTLY TO MY THUG LIFE HAS SEVERLY HINDERED THE WORK THAT I KNOW THE LORD WANTS TO DO IN MY LIFE AND FOR HIS KINGDOM USING ME AS A GREAT AND WONDERFUL TOOL IN HIS HANDS.  GOD HAS GIVEN ME SOMETHING GREAT, AND ALTHOUGH, I DON'T FULLY KNOW WHAT IT IS, I KNOW IT'S RIGHT UNDER THE SURFACE AND ABOUT READY TO BREAK THROUGH AND SHINE FOR ALL HIS GLORY.  I KNOW THAT I'M A LIGHT THAT SHINES IN THIS DARK WORLD, AND I HAVE A BOLDNESS THAT NEEDS TO BRIDLED SO HE CAN USE IT IN THE MOST GLORIOUS OF CIRCUMSTANCES FOR HIS KINGDOM.  MY FAITH IN THE POWER OF GOD AND MY PERSONAL KNOWEDGE OF HIS GRACE, MERCY AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO BE ALL ABOUT.  I'M NEW SCHOOL, BUT I THINK THAT IT FITS MORE IN TODAYS YOUNGER GENERATIONS THAN IT EVER COULD HAVE IN PREVIOUS ONES.  PEOPLE ARE SO SICK OF RELIGION AND RIGIDNESS WHICH NEEDS TO BE REPLACED WITH LOVE AND RIGHTOUSNESS, AND NOT THE RIGHTOUSNESS THAT YOU IMPOSE ON OTHER PEOPLE, BUT THE RIGHTOUSNESS THAT IS ACCEPTING OF SHORT-COMINGS AND LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY TO A POINT WHERE THAT PERSON WANTS SO MUCH TO PERSONALLY CHOOSE TO LIVE IN A MANNER THAT GLORIFIES GOD BECAUSE IN THE END, EACH INDIVIDUAL IS GOING TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO ON THIS EARTH REGUARDLESS OF IF SOMEONE TELLS THEM IT IS WRONG ANYWAY.  IF THAT PERSON SEES YOUR WITNESS, AND PERSONALLY DECIDES THAT HE/SHE WOULD ALSO LIKE TO LIVE RIGHTOUSLY, THEN ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO GOD ALMIGHTY.  I'VE SAID THIS ONCE AND I'LL SAY IT FOREVER MORE...I AM CALLED TO LOVE PEOPLE, AND SIN IN MY LIFE IS BETWEEN ME AND GOD, AND SIN IN YOUR LIFE IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD.  THE EXCEPTION FOR THIS, IN WHICH RIGHT NOW, I STAND THE MOST GUILTY OF NOT FOLLOWING, IS DON'T DO A SIN THAT WILL PHYSICALLY  HURT SOMEONE ELSE, AND IF YOU SIN AGAINST SOMEONE, AND YOU KNOW ABOUT IT, APOLOGIZE.  IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU HURT SOMEONE, THEN THE PERSON YOU HURT NEEDS TO CONFRONT YOU, AND THEN, YES, YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE WITH ALL SINCERITY.  LIKE IN ANOTHER JOURNAL I WROTE, THE STEPS TO GOOD HUMAN RELATIONS IS...OFFENSE TAKES PLACE, CONFRONT, APOLOGIZE, FORGIVE, AND MOVE ON AND TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO REPEAT.  AGAIN, I AM THE MOST GUILTY OF NOT FOLLOWING THESE STEPS FOR LIVING A LIFE OF RIGHTOUSNESS, BUT I AM IN THE PROCESS OF DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO GET BACK ON TRACK TO THE WAYS OF RIGHTOUSNESS FOR WHICH GOD IS TRYING TO DO A MIGHTY WORK IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.     WELL, THAT'S ALL I GOT FOR ONE NIGHT OF ONCE AGAIN BARING MY SOUL IN ALL HONESTY TO ANY AND ALL READERS IN THE WORLD OF DS. I'M ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY, AND I NATUALLY AM A HAPPY PERSON, SO I WILL KICK IT UP TO A LIGHT GREEN FACE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT GOD HAS PROMISED ME THAT INDEED, HE WILL COMPLETE A GOOD WORK IN ME UNTIL THE DAY OF CHRIST, JESUS...WHICH COULD VERY WELL BE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.  I BELIEVE HE IS ALMOST FINISHED PREPARING A PLACE FOR HIS BRIDE, AND HE'S ABOUT TO COME BACK AND GET US.  WHETHER THAT BE TONIGHT, OR SEVERAL DECADES FROM NOW, I BELIEVE THE TIME OF THE FIG TREE RIPENING IS NEAR.