Quitting Drinking
I'm on day four. If I make it through today, it will be my longest period not drinking in over a year. I'm a little sick to think about what I've done to myself; it's almost easier to keep drinking myself into oblivion so I can ignore how I've ended up so miserable. The last three days have been so hard, and also not. I think about alcohol constantly: 'Will I make it to 9pm? Will I survive today? What if I just have one and then barely drink from now on? How long do I have to do this? What am I going to do at Happy hour next week?' But then I just don't drink. I just don't do it and I keep not doing it. So far.
My nightmares last night really scared me. Somehow, even though I tossed and turned all night, waking up at least every hour with anxiety attacks, drenched in sweat, I still feel better and clearer today than I do when I'm hungover. I'd rather deal with the pain of not drinking than the pain of drinking. I'm ready for change, and so eager for it that I keep staring at myself in the mirror, desperate to see the difference I'm trying for myself. I'm tired. I'm plain old tired, and I'm tired of being overweight, of being tired, of being the drunk girl, of the deep unhappiness, of my inability to introspect. I'm scaring myself with my deteriorating memory, my increasing inability to keep my apartment clean, my appointments organized, get my work done on time. My brain is starting to fail me. No longer can I see through the fogginess to poke jokes at myself and keep the atmosphere lighthearted. I'm drowning and I don't have anyone to turn to.
My husband has decided that my 'depression' stems from an unhappiness with our marriage of less than 6 months. He's discouraged me from seeing a counselor and prescribed me more sex with him. I'm blind with rage about it, but mostly at myself. Did I marry an asshole? It made me see that I've got myself and no one but myself. Have I been waiting on someone to rescue me? I'm not sure, but I'm not letting myself drink today. That's all I know. Work is almost over. I'm riding my bike to a barbeque for a couple of hours then home. If I crave a drink then I'll head home sooner. I'd rather just hide under a rock until I can face the sunlight but life keeps going and I'll be strong for the storm.
Replies
I'm sorry you're going through this. :-(
After reading your Group post and this Journal entry, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I've suffered from Depression off and on most of my life, but never knew what was wrong with me until I was diagnosed 2 years ago. People with Depression are different from people who are sad or unhappy. And, I've found that the only people who understand how we feel are those of us feeling it. It got really bad 2 years ago ... it was like I had a heavy, wet blanket over my brain - I wasn't motivated, I didn't care, I had no energy, I couldn't focus, I'd cry almost every day ... it was like the light inside of me had gone out. I had serious thoughts of killing myself, not to end the pain, but to just stop existing. My husband didn’t understand and we’d often fight – because of the way I was acting, he thought I was mad at him … so he’d get mad at me.
Eventually, I went and talked to my doctor and told him exactly how I felt. I've been on Welbutrin for 1 1/2 years now. It's been a true lifesaver for me. It took a month or so to kick in, but eventually I started to feel like me again - the "normal" me.
But … after so many years of using alcohol and food to “ease my pain”, I’m now overweight and extremely addicted to alcohol. I rarely drink because I’m sad, I drink because I can’t “not drink”. You know how when you drink, you lose self-control and make bad decisions ... now I get that way when those urges come on. The craving gets so strong that I can’t think straight. That irresistible impulse hits and it’s like a switch flips in my brain.
Have you talked to a doctor or therapist about how you feel? It was really hard for me, but it helped a lot.
You can make it through this day. And, tomorrow will be a little bit better.