Quietness at night is the killer
I lost my wife on the 13/6/2018 after a long hard battle with a very rare cancer called Desmosplastic Round Cell Soft Tissue Sarcoma (DRCSTS). I have two girl age 12 & 7 and they have taken it hard in many ways. What I find hard is the quietness at night when they have gone to bed, even if there is background noise the quietness is deafing. Then the loneliness sneaks in and it makes it hard to settle and the support network is great, but I feel if they are smothering me and I find it hard to do thins or breath. I have asked them all to step back and wait till I am ready to face them all again. I just need time to sort all the things I need to do it by myself. 20 yrs of marriage and knowing her 24yr is something you just can't drop and everything in the house has a memory to it and some are personal that will remain personal. Others well they aren't and they will slowly go in time with the pain i feel every night.
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Hi,
I know your pain personally. I, too, live in the memory of my husband. I am certain that you still share with your wife a deep personal love together. In my heart there is a constant feeling of assured love for my husband. Love will always have a safe place in your heart as well. I know that there are places in your home full of provoking thoughts, and not a single moment in the day will you be without those innermost thoughts. And things may sometimes look like an empty place, as you are always longing for the soul of your wife to return to you. This is quite common behavior too. Her soul will always be an attraction to you, sweetly. You still live in the very pillars of her life on a daily basis. So, naturally, it is a labor for you at present. According to my own experience, there is hope inside of faith and love. By nature, grief is so sad and lonely, which leaves us with the false sense of insecurity. The fight to get through is a painful experience. Yet I hope that the process is a holy one for you. I sense the spirit of my husband keenly. Amazingly, this time is as a retreat for me, usual to most people battling the same uncomfortable heartbreak. Although the dark holes are there at odd times; however, not as excruciating as the first few weeks were, and this rush of strong emotions was after the passing of my husband, though just of a short course of time, mercifully. I do hope for you to feel a sense of comfort very soon as well. :-)
And children are very resilient. I hope that a careful eye is there for them though. Stay watchful of basic activities: eating, showering, behavior, social and family impairments, like isolation or disagreements. You understand what I'm getting at. If they are sleeping at night, then possibly the girls are each developing the process of grief in a gentle, though hurtful, way. Encourage plenty of family conversations, and do keep a normal routine, normal as possible. Generally, just stay aware of mannerisms for now. And as things may seem as suspect to you then intervention may be a good idea for all of you, as a family session(s) with a skilled professional counselor. Place them with a grief or bereavement therapist who is trained with helping children and youth find coping skills, for sure.
Many warm hugs to you today! <3
Thank you and yes I have noticed a change in my youngest and have arranged for a grief counselling and hopefully, that will next week. I have had a lot of things to think about over the last 4 weeks and I can say this was one of the best things to do is come here and read and comment on others its like a session with ou the counsellor. I talked to them all the time and we do have clashes and that is because the rules are changing very slowly but they don't like the change, but they will get used to it and see that is is for the better.
Thanks again your very kind and have some great ideas and the way your word them is above my level.
Mal
Mal, it is a pleasure to be a friend to you. It pains me that your youngest is experiencing this change. There is so much hope for better though. Fortunately, your are strong enough to think of your children first. Because there is really so much to think about in the beginning of this process. Been there as well. Indeed, coming in to this support community helps, and please search around for other places of interest. Reading comments and sharing with others is so useful in so many ways. Grief leaves us with such a false perception :-( It helps to partner with persons familiar with what you are going through, for the sake of clarity.
:-) I don't want that you should feel shy to talk to me. Anytime. I am very down-to-earth, Mal. Much love and many warm hugs! Best strength to you and the girls!