Quick update life is keeping me busy, what a blessing!

I have been MIA, I know. I am doing OK just crazy busy! For not having a life, I sure have a lot to do! Had to recover from a week out of town with two teenagers! Laundry, groceries, house cleaning and start my Christmas shopping, so far behind!!! Wed. was my last day at old job start new one on Monday. Lost my SS card had to spend three hours at SS office to get a new one. They sure do not make it easy!! Nervous about new job, I hate change but it was such a blessing, I am trying to be thankful if I can't be excited and happy! I will not be able to log on at work anymore so I will never be on DS during the day. I hope I can deal. That is another reason I have been MIA trying to ween myself. I made myself a pledge to NEVER contact Tony and to not respond to any of his attempts to contact me. It will be easier now that he can't email or call me at work anymore. That is usually how he got to me. I want to forget I ever knew him just remember the leasons learned and they are many!! God has something better planned for me, I just know it. I have had a few opportunities to go on dates. Nice men but no one special.  I really think it is just not yet time for me.  I wouldn't have the time or energy to put into anything real right now.  I also have some major trust issues I have to work on before I can trust a man again.  It wouldn't be fair to the next man to judge him for what the previous "love of y life" put me through.  I have to fully let go of that to be able to love again, the way I know how to love. One problem (and blessing) I have in my life right now is a man named Michael.  He and I met back in August when I was crazy and lonely and took a stupid "love test" on OK Cupid. When I did that it set up a "profile" for me and I met a few men off of there. Most were easily dismissed as looking for booty calls or in worse mental shape than I was.  Michael was different. Very different! He is a teacher, highly intelligent but lost!!  He first sent me what I new was a cut and paste rambling of his take on life and how we all just needed to be honest and friends on whatever level we were comfortable and to stop loking for the fairytale dream we all grew up with.  I could tell he had been hurt badly. I love a good debate so I responded telling him I was sad for him and that I for one would never give up on the dream.  We went back and forth with emails one deeper than the next fighting for our positions on the whole "real love" issue. As it turned out we agreed on many things and had been put through a lot of the same crap.  We both had (have) major trust issues but still had hopes of one day having the kind of love we longed for.  We were (are) very good sparing, debate partners.  He kept wanting to meet me. I kept saying no. I would never be happy just being one of many women in a man's life, I deserved better. He said he was sure I did but why not just be friends and hang out and have some fun along the way.  He never gave up and one Wed. night when he knew I was going to church he showed up to meet me. I couldn't be mad he drove all the way downtown just to attend church with me.  He knew he wasn't goinng to get lucky there ! LOL  After church we actaully went out for a glass of wine and played a few games of pool.  I know, I guess I am going to hell going from church to a bar but I am one big constant conflict, God knows that. He is working on me!  Michael is just as conflicted as I am.  He used to be a Baptist Deacon and did mission trips.  He also enjoys a few drinks and a good game of pool?  He is like the male version of me. It is too wierd. He kept telling me not to look for love just live and enjoy my life. He has been a really good friend. He is ALWAYS there when I need him and is my biggest cheerleader. He will listen to anything I want to talk about and gives good advise. He will let me cry on his should and tell him how much I love Tony and how he hurt me. He will give me hope and confidence when I have none.  He keeps me from ever having to be lonely.  i USE him! I have told him that to his face and said I was sorry I don't like to use people but he makes it very easy. He just smiles and says USE ME, I love it!  I care for Michael but I don't love him. I don't believe I ever will for many reasons but mainly because he doesn't make me forget about Tony. Sad and unfair as it sounds I need someone that makes me say Tony who?? Michael falls short of that for several reasons but he has been nothing but good to me and I have been nothing but honest with him.  All was good with us until I went out of town. He didn't see me for nearly two weeks. He called and or texted each day. We just talked about me, as usualy he is a very good listener.  I got back Monday but didn't have time to see him until Thursday.  When I got to his house he was soooo glad to see me. He hugged me so tight I thought he would break my back. He kissed me like never before. He looked straight into my eyes and told me miss me terribly and then he said it.....I love you! Damn!!! WHy did he have to do that!?!?!  I said No No No stop that! I am in no position to love anyone, you know that! I am still way too damaged. I am still trying to love myself!!!  I didn't want to hurt him. I said Michael I care for you but I CAN NOT love you or anyone else and I don't know if or when I will be able to.  He said he knows that and it is OK we have nothing but time.  I said oh shit this is not going to end well!!  He said don't worry about it maybe it will never end. I know it will! He IS NOT THE ONE. Just a nice man that lets me use him.  He was the strong, no more love for me guy? WTH happened?  I have not tried at all with this man. He has seen me with no makeup, in the morning, in the pool with all my flaws showing. I do not try at all to be extra cute, nice or go out of my way for him.  I am just me! I can and do tell him everything as I see it.  I tell him of his flaws as well as my own. We talk for hours and end up agreeing to disagree on a lot of subjects. Why does he want to love me?? I do not want to hurt him! I am selfish and I don't want to cut off our friendship, I enjoy it. I guess as long as I stay honest it is not my fault if he gets hurt in the long run at least that is how I justify it.  He stayed over Friday and we went Christmas shopping together Sat. then he asked me to go with him to his son and daughter in law's new house for dinner. I told him I was not sure. He said why, too real??  I said yea.  He said I didn't have to go but I saw the hurt in his eyes so I went. It appears he had told his kids about me. They were very sweet and told him they strongly approved of me.  Wait a min. hold your horses!! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS, REMEMBER!!!  He wanted to stay last night and go to church today. I said I was tired and he took the hint and went home but called when he got home to thank me for everything (all I did was let him hang out with me!!). He told me to have sweet dreams and again said, I love you. I said stop it and go to sleep Michael!  What in the hell and I supposed to do about this?I am just too busy with new job, kids and Christmas to worry about it. That is the good news, for once I am going to do nothing so I can't screw it up. For once I have no plan or agenda life will just have to happen and play out as it is supposed to happen.  I feel bad for Michael, I know how it feels to love and not be loved back. I hope he comes to his senses before his heart hurts again.  I think he has made up his mind that I am the one and he will wait for me.  Mr. Man is going to be waiting forever I am affraid.  He has some issues I will never be able to over come, I don't believe he is THE ONE God intends me to be with forever.  I just know I am not making the decision, I always make the wrong one so if I just let it play out I can't screw it up.  At least I hope I can't. Time will tell! I wish all of my friends here the best.  I will check in when I can.  God knows, I am not healed and I still need you all very much!