Questionable Decisions
Today, under the influence of no sleep and several cups of coffee at around seven this morning, I decided to open up a box that has been closed for two years.
A box of remnants from a previous, and very tumultuous relationship.
I was packing for my move today and came across the taped up box that I have been meaning to set on fire for over a year now. Instead, I opened it.
My reaction really could have gone one of two ways; either I would have ended up making myself feel like garbage over the disastrous end to that relationship, or I could have taken it for just a box of memories.
I feel like I handled it exceptionally well!
I read the old love letters and silly notes. I turned over a dried rose several times in my hand. Held a necklace that I haven't seen in two years. I smelled his cologne on a birthday card he sent me.
I just took it all in as memories. Though the end was pretty awful, the relationship before I destroyed it was pretty good.
I smiled at his awful spelling and grammar. I remembered ever moment mentioned in all of the letters. I recall exactly where and when he gave me a tiny plush fish and the moments that followed.
To be totally honest, I feel as if that's what I really needed. I packed up the box when I was still bitter and angry. Opening it now made me realize that I'm over it entirely. It doesn't bother me anymore.
I looked over everything very carefully, trying to identify all of my feelings, and the only thing I found was that it was nice to remember. No bitterness. No anger.
As part one of a two part closure, I threw everything away. I didn't feel a thing. It was something that had to happen.
Part two... is where the real questionable decision lies.
I sent a Facebook message to this ex. Our history dictates that this was a very stupid move on my part. Things get said. Feelings develop all over again. Feelings get hurt. We both end up bitter and angry yet again.
Well, history doesn't always have to repeat itself.
I told him about the box and how I had not bad feelings about it at all. I was able to dispose of the contents of the box without wondering if I had made some kind of mistake. I told him that I don't regret anything in our relationship. What happened happened. It's done and over with. I am ready for a new chapter in my life and that chapter is one that I have torn the pages of and thrown away. It doesn't matter any more. I'm finally okay with all of it.
The only part of the end of our relationship that I regret is how it impacted my current relationship. My mother would always tease me that a couple is meant to be between two people. I finally understood what she meant. This ex was always in my life. No matter what. I put my current relationship through hell just so I could talk to this boy that smashed my heart with a hammer. I lied to my boyfriend about talking to this ex. I was sneaking around just to talk to him and have him as my friend. None of that was worth the pain I put my current boyfriend through. He didn't deserve any of it, I just couldn't let go.
I let the ex know all of this in my message to him
I also thanked him for the good times and let him know that I really wish there will be a time that I will hear from him again, years and years from now, and he will invite me out to lunch, and he will let me meet his wife and little demon children.
To my utter shock, he responded kindly. Seemed glad to hear from me, and ended his message with "Also I never mind hearing from you".
I am taking that as an invitation to continue talking to him, and THAT is where my questionable decision ends. I am not going to continue talking to him. At this point, that is the dumbest move I could possibly make. Although it would be very nice to resume the friendship (which, honestly, was the best part of our time together), our history dictates that again, someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and most likely, it will by my boyfriends feelings on the table.
Right now, with all of the pain I have put my boyfriend through with this ex boyfriend and with my fits of rage, I know that something like this would crush him. I'm not doing it. This is a little out of character for me because I have been known to do what I want simply because I want to, with very little thought to the consequences of my actions. I won't do it this time. I am trying to salvage this relationship while simultaneously tearing it apart with my everyday actions.
My stupidity was contacting this ex in the first place. If my boyfriend finds out I'm sure he will be furious. It wouldn't matter why, what I said, or how it made me feel. He would be upset that I messaged him and opened that door of communication again. A door that has often lead to deceit, disappointment, and heartache.
I feel like I did what was right. I feel much better than I have all day, but that could just be the lack of sleep and coffee again.
A box of remnants from a previous, and very tumultuous relationship.
I was packing for my move today and came across the taped up box that I have been meaning to set on fire for over a year now. Instead, I opened it.
My reaction really could have gone one of two ways; either I would have ended up making myself feel like garbage over the disastrous end to that relationship, or I could have taken it for just a box of memories.
I feel like I handled it exceptionally well!
I read the old love letters and silly notes. I turned over a dried rose several times in my hand. Held a necklace that I haven't seen in two years. I smelled his cologne on a birthday card he sent me.
I just took it all in as memories. Though the end was pretty awful, the relationship before I destroyed it was pretty good.
I smiled at his awful spelling and grammar. I remembered ever moment mentioned in all of the letters. I recall exactly where and when he gave me a tiny plush fish and the moments that followed.
To be totally honest, I feel as if that's what I really needed. I packed up the box when I was still bitter and angry. Opening it now made me realize that I'm over it entirely. It doesn't bother me anymore.
I looked over everything very carefully, trying to identify all of my feelings, and the only thing I found was that it was nice to remember. No bitterness. No anger.
As part one of a two part closure, I threw everything away. I didn't feel a thing. It was something that had to happen.
Part two... is where the real questionable decision lies.
I sent a Facebook message to this ex. Our history dictates that this was a very stupid move on my part. Things get said. Feelings develop all over again. Feelings get hurt. We both end up bitter and angry yet again.
Well, history doesn't always have to repeat itself.
I told him about the box and how I had not bad feelings about it at all. I was able to dispose of the contents of the box without wondering if I had made some kind of mistake. I told him that I don't regret anything in our relationship. What happened happened. It's done and over with. I am ready for a new chapter in my life and that chapter is one that I have torn the pages of and thrown away. It doesn't matter any more. I'm finally okay with all of it.
The only part of the end of our relationship that I regret is how it impacted my current relationship. My mother would always tease me that a couple is meant to be between two people. I finally understood what she meant. This ex was always in my life. No matter what. I put my current relationship through hell just so I could talk to this boy that smashed my heart with a hammer. I lied to my boyfriend about talking to this ex. I was sneaking around just to talk to him and have him as my friend. None of that was worth the pain I put my current boyfriend through. He didn't deserve any of it, I just couldn't let go.
I let the ex know all of this in my message to him
I also thanked him for the good times and let him know that I really wish there will be a time that I will hear from him again, years and years from now, and he will invite me out to lunch, and he will let me meet his wife and little demon children.
To my utter shock, he responded kindly. Seemed glad to hear from me, and ended his message with "Also I never mind hearing from you".
I am taking that as an invitation to continue talking to him, and THAT is where my questionable decision ends. I am not going to continue talking to him. At this point, that is the dumbest move I could possibly make. Although it would be very nice to resume the friendship (which, honestly, was the best part of our time together), our history dictates that again, someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and most likely, it will by my boyfriends feelings on the table.
Right now, with all of the pain I have put my boyfriend through with this ex boyfriend and with my fits of rage, I know that something like this would crush him. I'm not doing it. This is a little out of character for me because I have been known to do what I want simply because I want to, with very little thought to the consequences of my actions. I won't do it this time. I am trying to salvage this relationship while simultaneously tearing it apart with my everyday actions.
My stupidity was contacting this ex in the first place. If my boyfriend finds out I'm sure he will be furious. It wouldn't matter why, what I said, or how it made me feel. He would be upset that I messaged him and opened that door of communication again. A door that has often lead to deceit, disappointment, and heartache.
I feel like I did what was right. I feel much better than I have all day, but that could just be the lack of sleep and coffee again.
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