QUIT!
I decided to give up nursing. I know it became a dream for me but I cannot do something forever that will make me sick. Literally sick. I don’t want to risk it. It’s not because that im not brave, but im brave enough to accept my limitations. There are some ok, not so ok and not so very okay with this illness. Living with it is not easy. I learned that willpower can help, but when there is something pathological behind suffering, it could be very hard and cannot be just deified by willpower alone. Just yesterday, I attended a hip hop class; I noticed that I cannot concentrate with the steps. I cannot follow. And I felt bad. So I left the class and walk on the treadmill. I just don’t want to force myself on something that will stress me. At some point too, I felt a bit sad because I used to love dancing so much. But right now, at this moment I’m giving the permission to myself that I will not do anything that will contribute to my agitation or anxiety. All this time, I realized that I was relying on my willpower---there is nothing wrong with that. But sometimes acceptance can be liberating. Right now, I don’t know the answer to the question: “How can I live my life to the fullest knowing that I have an illness like this?” I have so many questions on my mind right now. But it is not good for me to pressure myself about my future career since im making a shift. That is the suggestion of my pdoc. And I’m cool with that. Last night the BP thing is driving me crazy. I am so sleepy and tired but it’s like I don’t want to sleep yet. Bingeing on rice and pork although detrimental for my weight loss plan saved me from feeling worst. I felt a bit bad since I lost almost 2.4 lbs over the week. But I don’t want to blame myself anymore. I don’t want to mope or dwell over what happened, its just that, this is hard for me to handle. But like what I said on my post about My 10 BP Commandments, we must have unlimited ability to forgive ourselves. God doesn’t care how much we fall down. For as long as we have FAITH in him then God will heal our wounds and wipe our tears so that we could move on for the next day
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