Putting 2009 behind

Well here I sit just after Christmas.  I always heard that many people get depressed during this time of the year.  I never could understand why.  To me it was always a time of joy and anticipation.  that is no longer the case for me.  I just made it through what was the worst holiday season I can remeber.  I have been struggling with depression for 4 years.  It has gotten worse through all of 2009.  I had to not only use antidepressents but meds for anixety.  It bothers me that just to be around a group of people or family would cause me to take this step.   Out of the blue Sunday afternoon and Monday I felt great.  Nothing was differnt in my surroundings just felt happy for a change.  I did end up with some insomnia Monday night and was not able to sleep until 2:30.  Woke up Tuesday with the normal depression sitting on me. I really wish I lived somewhere that better mediacal help was available.  My biggest worry through the post holiday was that I made it through them and now I could crash...and I did.  Not in a restful way but rather in giving up on life.  I mean I have so many great things in my life but I'm not happy.  How distrubing is that.  In fact the guilt of it makes everything worse. So here I sit.  Maybe trying to write will help.  I'm so desperate that I'm willing to try most anything.