Pushing
The past week I have been pushing past my limits, not giving in to the exhaustion or the pain, in order to get some holiday baking done. It's one of the few traditions we have in our family... To make/bake treats for our family and friends used to be something we enjoyed. I know we always enjoy when people bring us treats, whether at Christmas or at any other time. But I haven't felt much like doing anything, from baking to cooking dinner.
My body is complaining loudly. Now if I could get my kids to GO TO BED so I could have half an hour alone, I might be able to relax enough to go to sleep, too.
I'm not really feeling Christmas-y, but I think that is just how it is as we get older. The "magic" is lost when you have to pay the bills. However I am hoping to be able to let go of the worries and stresses and just enjoy being home with my family. I have been without my parents for 4 years, and it was 6 years since I spent Christmas Eve sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting room, waiting for my mom to arrive as she was air-evacced from one hospital to another. The next morning my ex-father in law died. My poor daughter lost her grandpa on Christmas Day, had her world completely turned upside down in just hours. It's horrible. But now she's become this girl who tries to be tough and unfeeling. It's heartbreaking for me. I don't want her to feel that way. I wish she was able to open her heart easier.
Anyway....
I have a lot to be grateful for, even if my body is not cooperating. I'm so close to my rheumatologist appointment that it's finally in sight. I am worried that the doc will not give me a diagnosis at the first appointment or won't get me pain meds at that appointment, but I am hoping to talk my husband into going with me. I want him to know just what I'm dealing with and what I'm looking at for the future. Sometimes he seems like he may actually believe me and that I have fibro and other times he seems to think I am imagining it.
Oh great, the kids are fighting now. Just what I effing need. It's freaking 11pm and they're arguing instead of going to bed? No wonder I'm so tired.
I'm going to do my best to not allow depression or fibro to kick my butt or ruin my Christmas.
Dea
My body is complaining loudly. Now if I could get my kids to GO TO BED so I could have half an hour alone, I might be able to relax enough to go to sleep, too.
I'm not really feeling Christmas-y, but I think that is just how it is as we get older. The "magic" is lost when you have to pay the bills. However I am hoping to be able to let go of the worries and stresses and just enjoy being home with my family. I have been without my parents for 4 years, and it was 6 years since I spent Christmas Eve sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting room, waiting for my mom to arrive as she was air-evacced from one hospital to another. The next morning my ex-father in law died. My poor daughter lost her grandpa on Christmas Day, had her world completely turned upside down in just hours. It's horrible. But now she's become this girl who tries to be tough and unfeeling. It's heartbreaking for me. I don't want her to feel that way. I wish she was able to open her heart easier.
Anyway....
I have a lot to be grateful for, even if my body is not cooperating. I'm so close to my rheumatologist appointment that it's finally in sight. I am worried that the doc will not give me a diagnosis at the first appointment or won't get me pain meds at that appointment, but I am hoping to talk my husband into going with me. I want him to know just what I'm dealing with and what I'm looking at for the future. Sometimes he seems like he may actually believe me and that I have fibro and other times he seems to think I am imagining it.
Oh great, the kids are fighting now. Just what I effing need. It's freaking 11pm and they're arguing instead of going to bed? No wonder I'm so tired.
I'm going to do my best to not allow depression or fibro to kick my butt or ruin my Christmas.
Dea
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