pushed
Here I am thinking to myself, How did I get to this point?...
This past week I joined the eating disorders support group. I realize that I have been having issues with my weight for a long time. However, I had already accepted myself through a lot of self talk such as "You're on medication" and "I'd rather be stable than thin". All my hard work has been flushed. I can't get away from the comments that other people give. I know, I shouldn't listen. But those people are my parents. The ones who want the best for me, and I understand that. But why isn't their love great enough to accept me and my weight? And why can't I make them understand everything that I've been trying to teach them ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar? Now here I am, ashamed to say, because of them. I've done all I could to not binge, to not skip meals, to not purge; but still I have attempted and done all 3. There is no one in my family or in my circle of friends who could possibly understand. I've tried talking to some friends, but either they don't know the signs or they don't take me seriously. I can't get anyone to listen, which just drives me into more self harm. What's gonna happen to me if I don't stop now? Am I gonna lose my entire life and everything that I have built up? Everything I have worked for? Today I ate two meals and feel guilty. I think to myself how I don't deserve to even look good. I've been trampled on by criticism that just keeps on coming. Who could know it? I suffer silently...always have. Now I feel more out of control than ever. At least with my mania and depression I can say that it's because of something. There's lots to blame for my bipolar: imbalance, trauma, genetics. But for my eating disorder? How can I blame anyone or anything? I don't understand it, at least not yet. I've never felt this way before and I am worried and shaking that I will lose control....lose it more than what I have already. It's funny, we meet people everyday. Things happen every minute. Life happens. But sometimes we only see the surface of things. People are like the ocean, with wonder and secrets in the deep. I realized that my friends don't know me at all. Not even my parents. HOW can I tell anyone that I'm at a breaking point? HOW do I confess my eating disorder? Will they see it when I collapse? And why does help come only when it's too late?
I feel so heavy and ugly. That is how I see myself. In just 3 weeks I went from accepting myself to hating myself. Seems unfair that it happened because of some thoughtless comments. If they only knew what they have done to me!
Now it's up to me alone, Where do I start to heal?
This past week I joined the eating disorders support group. I realize that I have been having issues with my weight for a long time. However, I had already accepted myself through a lot of self talk such as "You're on medication" and "I'd rather be stable than thin". All my hard work has been flushed. I can't get away from the comments that other people give. I know, I shouldn't listen. But those people are my parents. The ones who want the best for me, and I understand that. But why isn't their love great enough to accept me and my weight? And why can't I make them understand everything that I've been trying to teach them ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar? Now here I am, ashamed to say, because of them. I've done all I could to not binge, to not skip meals, to not purge; but still I have attempted and done all 3. There is no one in my family or in my circle of friends who could possibly understand. I've tried talking to some friends, but either they don't know the signs or they don't take me seriously. I can't get anyone to listen, which just drives me into more self harm. What's gonna happen to me if I don't stop now? Am I gonna lose my entire life and everything that I have built up? Everything I have worked for? Today I ate two meals and feel guilty. I think to myself how I don't deserve to even look good. I've been trampled on by criticism that just keeps on coming. Who could know it? I suffer silently...always have. Now I feel more out of control than ever. At least with my mania and depression I can say that it's because of something. There's lots to blame for my bipolar: imbalance, trauma, genetics. But for my eating disorder? How can I blame anyone or anything? I don't understand it, at least not yet. I've never felt this way before and I am worried and shaking that I will lose control....lose it more than what I have already. It's funny, we meet people everyday. Things happen every minute. Life happens. But sometimes we only see the surface of things. People are like the ocean, with wonder and secrets in the deep. I realized that my friends don't know me at all. Not even my parents. HOW can I tell anyone that I'm at a breaking point? HOW do I confess my eating disorder? Will they see it when I collapse? And why does help come only when it's too late?
I feel so heavy and ugly. That is how I see myself. In just 3 weeks I went from accepting myself to hating myself. Seems unfair that it happened because of some thoughtless comments. If they only knew what they have done to me!
Now it's up to me alone, Where do I start to heal?
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