Purge it From My Mind
Today was really bad purge wise. I ate an entire serving of au gratin potatoes. threw up. Soy ribs and sweet potato fries. Threw up. Broccoli. Threw up. God does it not end?!? I am so ashamed of my bulimia. When I go through anorexic periods for months I am not this ashamed. I in fact get indignant and think I'm fine. But I'm secretive and so ashamed of this purging crap. I HATE IT. But what can I say, I want and need the relief that comes from purging. I'm so sick of looking at my damn toilet though. And if I have to gargle with mouthwash again today I'm going to scream. My throat is killing me. Otherwise, things are actually going alright. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my best friend Deanna during the day and sleeping over my close friend Hannah's at night. Talked to D last night. She asked me to come down to Florida with her. There was no way I could but boy did I want to. Deanna hates D. She thinks she treats me horribly and takes all my love and gives none back. Sometimes I agree but like I said I'm stupid and don't know when to quit. Deanna said D would just trigger me and I didn't need this shit. She is right. But come on!!! Florida!! Anyways D randomly quit out on our convo last night. I tried to get her back but she never responded. And today she didn't respond at all. I am tired of always being the one at her beck and call but she is never there for me. And my dirty little secret? I think she knew I would never come to Florida and that's why she asked. Because she would never actually want to hang out with me so she would never aactually ask me to do something that I'd say yes to.
Replies
sounds like D is a user! i had a friend like that with the same issue but i think at the time she was much worse than me! I so wanted to be there for her and support her but all she did was use my support and abuse all i gave her and gave none back other than nastiness! you are better off without a friend ike this no matter how much u want to help and be there for them and no moatter how much u thk u cn understand and relate to them. they r more fuckd up than u can imagine plus also a bitch and will not b a friend bk so its not wrth the effort!
sorry that your having a hard time atm... keep fighting and you can beat it!
Like I say, putting a little distance between you and certain friends can be a good thing, albeit, hard I know.
I\'m sorry you\'ve been purging so much lately, but I definitely DO understand the \"relief\" it brings.
I just hope you don\'t become ADDICTED to the actual act of purging.... or do you think you already have? XoOX
Well you can come to Florida to see me!!
Enjoy the time with your real friends and try and tell ED to shut the F up!!
Love you sweets, thinking of you all the time!
sorry things are hard babes but hang in there you can do this. xx
Look into DBT therapy... it can help with the purging and other self-harm behaviors. HUGs.
anorexia is no less shameful than bulimia is.......