Purge it From My Mind

Today was really bad purge wise. I ate an entire serving of au gratin potatoes. threw up. Soy ribs and sweet potato fries. Threw up. Broccoli. Threw up. God does it not end?!? I am so ashamed of my bulimia. When I go through anorexic periods for months I am not this ashamed. I in fact get indignant and think I'm fine. But I'm secretive and so ashamed of this purging crap. I HATE IT. But what can I say, I want and need the relief that comes from purging. I'm so sick of looking at my damn toilet though. And if I have to gargle with mouthwash again today I'm going to scream. My throat is killing me. Otherwise, things are actually going alright. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my best friend Deanna during the day and sleeping over my close friend Hannah's at night. Talked to D last night. She asked me to come down to Florida with her. There was no way I could but boy did I want to. Deanna hates D. She thinks she treats me horribly and takes all my love and gives none back. Sometimes I agree but like I said I'm stupid and don't know when to quit. Deanna said D would just trigger me and I didn't need this shit. She is right. But come on!!! Florida!! Anyways D randomly quit out on our convo last night. I tried to get her back but she never responded. And today she didn't respond at all.  I am tired of always being the one at her beck and call but she is never there for me.  And my dirty little secret? I think she knew I would never come to Florida and that's why she asked. Because she would never actually want to hang out with me so she would never aactually ask me to do something that I'd say yes to.