Pulling it together maybe
I got through the weekend I guess. Had all three of my boys in church on Mother's Day. Spent half of the service crying. Told them it was cause it had been 5 year since I had all three of them there and that was true half of the time. But the other half wasn't happy tears. I just kept thinking how I would be alone again in a month sitting in the pew all by myself. I wish I could focus on the positive. I have so much good in my life and I know it, but I keep feeling so tired and down and worried all the time.
My middle son has always spent the day with me, but went with his wife to her Gma's and her mom's after church. In the past they have always split up for the day and she went with her family and he stayed with me. He took her to work on my birthday and didn't come back over either. I didn't have plans so it shouldn't have mattered and I should have been grateful for the time they did spend with me, but as usual I am never happy with my lot when I should be.
I have never been poor. Not rich, but I've never gone hungry or homeless. I have always had enough money for Christmas and birthdays. Most vacations were strictly budgeted and we may have left Disneyland to eat and then gone back, but my kids have been there and more than once. I have a nice house middle class house, a nice middle class car. I have cable TV even if it doesn't have 100 channels. My cell phone is prepaid, but I have never run out of minutes and if I did I could buy more.
My children still live close by and I get to see them. My daughter in laws both seem to like me. My husband and I are in good health. I like my job a lot of days.
So why am I always sad and why does every little thing seem to just knock me loopy. Today I went shopping with my daughter in law. We had fun looking at things and I bought some stuff. Felt bad she couldn't, but their dog is sick and they have vet bills this month. I treated her to lunch and we sat in the car gabbing for an hour when I went to drop her off.
But...and for me there is always a but, just before she got out of the car she said she was so tired of always coming to my house on Sundays. She backed up and said it wasn't coming over really, but we just sit there doing nothing, then she backed up again and said she liked coming over it was just they have so little free time and sometimes she wants to stay home and clean the house or something.
I explained why we do little on Sundays, because they have homework to do and she insisted she never does homework on Sundays. Gee she was reading a textbook two weeks ago. My son has done nothing but homework on Sundays. I told her we'd be happy to be more active. We agreed we would go out for a walk or something this Sunday and she got out of my car.
But I am just devastated. I feel so sick inside. And I know every Sunday I am now going to feel awkward if we just watch TV or hang around. I am going to hear this conversation in my head and think she wants to be somewhere else. They also haven't been over the last two Sundays except for church on Mother's Day. Guess I know why. She doesn't want to come over so much. I guess she really shouldn't have to spend every Sunday with me. It is unrealistic and we are pretty boring just lazing about doing not much. I should just accept it, but instead I will dwell on this for the next 20 years.
I wish I knew how to get over things. Moving on would be nice. Letting go would be nice. Even when I think I make progress it all comes back and attacks me at 2am and I am just so choked with emotions I can't control.
My son should be here soon. He said he was coming by after school. Wonder if he would rather be at home too. I am such a mess.
My middle son has always spent the day with me, but went with his wife to her Gma's and her mom's after church. In the past they have always split up for the day and she went with her family and he stayed with me. He took her to work on my birthday and didn't come back over either. I didn't have plans so it shouldn't have mattered and I should have been grateful for the time they did spend with me, but as usual I am never happy with my lot when I should be.
I have never been poor. Not rich, but I've never gone hungry or homeless. I have always had enough money for Christmas and birthdays. Most vacations were strictly budgeted and we may have left Disneyland to eat and then gone back, but my kids have been there and more than once. I have a nice house middle class house, a nice middle class car. I have cable TV even if it doesn't have 100 channels. My cell phone is prepaid, but I have never run out of minutes and if I did I could buy more.
My children still live close by and I get to see them. My daughter in laws both seem to like me. My husband and I are in good health. I like my job a lot of days.
So why am I always sad and why does every little thing seem to just knock me loopy. Today I went shopping with my daughter in law. We had fun looking at things and I bought some stuff. Felt bad she couldn't, but their dog is sick and they have vet bills this month. I treated her to lunch and we sat in the car gabbing for an hour when I went to drop her off.
But...and for me there is always a but, just before she got out of the car she said she was so tired of always coming to my house on Sundays. She backed up and said it wasn't coming over really, but we just sit there doing nothing, then she backed up again and said she liked coming over it was just they have so little free time and sometimes she wants to stay home and clean the house or something.
I explained why we do little on Sundays, because they have homework to do and she insisted she never does homework on Sundays. Gee she was reading a textbook two weeks ago. My son has done nothing but homework on Sundays. I told her we'd be happy to be more active. We agreed we would go out for a walk or something this Sunday and she got out of my car.
But I am just devastated. I feel so sick inside. And I know every Sunday I am now going to feel awkward if we just watch TV or hang around. I am going to hear this conversation in my head and think she wants to be somewhere else. They also haven't been over the last two Sundays except for church on Mother's Day. Guess I know why. She doesn't want to come over so much. I guess she really shouldn't have to spend every Sunday with me. It is unrealistic and we are pretty boring just lazing about doing not much. I should just accept it, but instead I will dwell on this for the next 20 years.
I wish I knew how to get over things. Moving on would be nice. Letting go would be nice. Even when I think I make progress it all comes back and attacks me at 2am and I am just so choked with emotions I can't control.
My son should be here soon. He said he was coming by after school. Wonder if he would rather be at home too. I am such a mess.
Replies
This day just sucks. So my son came over and I tried to find out if he didn\'t want to come over on Sundays as much and ended up causing a fight. I ended up crying all over and finally calmed down.
Got on Facebook to ask my friend if she wanted to walk next week. She brought up walking and I said yes and then asked the next week if she wanted to go. She said no she had to clean the garage. So didn\'t ask this week. Asked about next week and got told they walked every day this week. Didn\'t say anything to me.
Tried to get over it and asked about next week. She stopped replying to me. Then talked to her daughter and when asked about next week she stopped replying to me too. What do I do to people? Why do they all hate me so? Why does no one want to spend time with me? I don\'t feel like such an awful person, but apparently I am. I wish I could see what others hate so in me and change, but I just really don\'t know what I do and no one will tell me.
I begged my son to tell me what I was doing wrong and help me fix it. He just denied anything was wrong. In fact he denied saying he didn\'t want to go to the movie with \"us\" as we are boring. He said he was only talking about the hb and youngest son. Doesn\'t think I am boring or anything else. Lies. I know it is me. It is always me. Time to eat more worms.
Another night of crying myself to sleep I\'m sure.
(((hugs)))..i dont know why,sometimes i have similar thoughts.I wish I .didnt,but i do.I have no answers..i think it runs deep,with me too..hugs for you.I hope you feel better.you deserve to be happy..I think your sons do love you very much.they just get busy with the other stuff.my kids do too and they forget to tell me i\'m appreciated.It will be ok...Hugs xxxx
I belive your sons love you very much ...and I think I know why your darter inlaw doesent want to go over there Avery Sunday ............with my first husband ..we use to have to go over to his parents every weakend ...and sometimes even sleep over and we just lived ...not ....15 minits away .....I got to hat it ....because I got to feeling like my life wasent my owen ...and ...like my husband ..couldent stand on his owen two feet ..and ..tell his mom that ...this weakend we had somthing else we were doing ..but that we could come the following weak ........maried couples need ..time for them selves even if they just sit around in there home .......and ..being the mother ...and feeling the way you do ....I know it hurts you if they don\'t come but you have to understand that it isent that they don\'t want to see you or that your daughter in law doesent want to see you .....it was realy hard for me when my youngest son left home ....it took me a long time to adjust to it ....i went and visited ..my children and there ..spouses after they had children .......I understand that if they go to church and you go to church to the same church ...that you would expect to be sitting with them ...do they have coffee after church .....if not it might be nice if you all just went out for coffee and a little visit ....maby your daughter in law might be ok with that ......inrealy don\'t think that you being boring realy has any thing to do with it .....it realy has to do ...with the fact that as a cupple they just need some of there weekends to them selves ..and your son won\'t admit it to you because he loves you ..and doesent want to hurt you ...and your boys know ....you hurt ................................I belive your daughter inlaw tried talking to you about not going over there every Sunday because your son won\'t ................and again this realy has nothing to do with you as a person it only has to do with them needing ....more time to them selves .....witch is only natural ...........................I would love to see all my children more but they have .....to work they have kids they are bring up ...the older grandchildren have girlfriends or boyfriends ..so they are always bisey ...I am lucky if I get to see them .now ......we bring up our children so that they can live in this world and be sucesfull ....have a family ...but we forget that I order for them to truely stand on there owen we need to let them go ........they will come back ....to visit ....for them to stand on there owen gives them ...the strength and courage ..to move forward ..and ...they see the contending ce we have in them ..the trust we have in them ...........and each of out children are going to be diferant ...I have one son I see more often ......than the rest ....for no other reason than it is just how things have worked out .....so comparing out children I think ...we schouldent do ..because they are all so diferant ...we have to look at them as individuals ....I think you will find your children do love you very much .................I don\'t think you are doing anything wrong .....as far as trying to have friends goes ..I have mostly been a loner but at diferant times found when I tried to make friends they only seamen to want to do the things they wanted to do ....and if I dident just show up there l.it is like you say they went with out me ...I don\'t think I did anything wrong eather .....I just think ...I don\'t want to put that much efert into having friends .......you are a good person ...you have so much love in you .....it is this depreshion that is messing with you .....making you feel bad ..like people don\'t like you ..or don\'t want you around ....depreshion is hard to life with ........just lisining ..to you here makes me think you might need to have your meds adjusted ...just tell your counclor how you are feeling ...about all of this ....how .it is affecting your life .....they schould be able to do better for you .................................I hope that this was ok .....the last thing I want to do is hurt you ..you are such a good friend ..and I know here for me ...and I wanted to be here for you that is why I answered this post ....you take good care of your self ...God bless