pull it together
To journal - the latest is,
Daily I struggle with the Suicidal Idiation. I pretty much ignore it but during times of stress is when it is most prevelant. I am heading into finals week for my second summer session and the ADD is just kicking in. Days have passed and I procrastinate more and more to avoid my workload.
I experienced a break-up yesterday. I had met someone online and for me the physical chemistry wasn't there. Everything else was there and I really wanted it to work because he was treating me so nicely and we were getting along so nicely but I forced myself to be intimate and it was gross for me and it shouldn't be gross. I enjoy intimacy. So that is on my mind and although I feel better that I made the decision and I know I am being true to myself I am still going through the loss of a friend, someone I cared about. It is distracting me. I don't want to focus.
I need to pull it together in the next couple of hours. I have a paper due and I have been putting off working on it. Spent the whole weekend with the person I ended up breaking up with. Seems like a waste now but I know that I needed to spend that time, experience what I experienced so I could make my decision. Although, I knew what my decision was, deep down. I guess it just needed to work itself to a head so it would be difinitive.
My girl-friend become celibate because she was putting too much emphasis in her life on sex. I may follow in her shoes. Not online date. Give it a rest until I can be healthy, although, I don't think I will ever be "healthy" - but maybe it would help me focus on me while I go through this transitional period?
My life is pretty whacked out right now. I can't seem to pray hard enough.
Also, there was about a two and a half week illness. I mourned over the loss of my mother too hard one day and a cold I had been fighting off came back with a vengance. Now I have decided that I will no longer mourn to the point of risking my health because it isn't healthy to mourn to the point that it make you sick. I also think some of the sickness was this trial relationship that I wasn't 100% satisfied in. I was forcing myself into it and there was something repulsive about it and it manifested in this nausea at the pit of my stomach. I am feeling relief.
Shook up but gaining my grounding again. Could use friends and support. General love and goodwill.
Daily I struggle with the Suicidal Idiation. I pretty much ignore it but during times of stress is when it is most prevelant. I am heading into finals week for my second summer session and the ADD is just kicking in. Days have passed and I procrastinate more and more to avoid my workload.
I experienced a break-up yesterday. I had met someone online and for me the physical chemistry wasn't there. Everything else was there and I really wanted it to work because he was treating me so nicely and we were getting along so nicely but I forced myself to be intimate and it was gross for me and it shouldn't be gross. I enjoy intimacy. So that is on my mind and although I feel better that I made the decision and I know I am being true to myself I am still going through the loss of a friend, someone I cared about. It is distracting me. I don't want to focus.
I need to pull it together in the next couple of hours. I have a paper due and I have been putting off working on it. Spent the whole weekend with the person I ended up breaking up with. Seems like a waste now but I know that I needed to spend that time, experience what I experienced so I could make my decision. Although, I knew what my decision was, deep down. I guess it just needed to work itself to a head so it would be difinitive.
My girl-friend become celibate because she was putting too much emphasis in her life on sex. I may follow in her shoes. Not online date. Give it a rest until I can be healthy, although, I don't think I will ever be "healthy" - but maybe it would help me focus on me while I go through this transitional period?
My life is pretty whacked out right now. I can't seem to pray hard enough.
Also, there was about a two and a half week illness. I mourned over the loss of my mother too hard one day and a cold I had been fighting off came back with a vengance. Now I have decided that I will no longer mourn to the point of risking my health because it isn't healthy to mourn to the point that it make you sick. I also think some of the sickness was this trial relationship that I wasn't 100% satisfied in. I was forcing myself into it and there was something repulsive about it and it manifested in this nausea at the pit of my stomach. I am feeling relief.
Shook up but gaining my grounding again. Could use friends and support. General love and goodwill.
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