PTSD Journal & Shares in Group

Reply #5 - 08/09/12 1:24pm Thanks for the replies,they are so helpful in many ways. I guess as long a I keep myself in the dark, I will stay in the dark, this part of my denial skills of, " selective-denial upon demand." My quote, & I am proud of it! I learned all I could & even took a professional week of education in the treatment of Alcoholism, with professionals from all around the world, here at the world known, "'University Of Utah's School on Alcoholism & Other Drug Dependencies," when I was beginning my journey into sobriety. Even pulled an, "A," out of the course with only a Junior H. Sch. education, & I really hadn't been educated since end of 6th grade. Not much to work with, but I found am not stupid, just ignorant, & was welcomed back to the world of education by the director himself. I remember running around that 3rd year of sobriety with the new understanding of some of the damage my experiences have given me, but also the strength I have in spite of them. Hence part of the reason for the lovingly given nick-name of, "Stubborn." My Deaf best friend at the time gave me the ASL Sign Name. I took my paper written for the University course to her, with the, "A," on the top right corner & the wonderful personal note from the director to her with the question of whether I was college material, & should I follow my dreams. She and all the others I handed the paper to told me it was not just good, it was better than most of their college students they were instructing at the time. I, of course, being 'damaged material,' let this reality sink in deeper until I found a place where I experienced immense shame & emotional turmoil. I did not deserve the grade. I couldn't even talk myself into it, and hit a P.T.S.D. / emotional / sensory memory reality, which was normal back then when I had these kinds of self-revealing experiences. I did go back to school attempting a degree, but was forced by life & some of my ignorant choices, to quit., & make $ to support myself & 2 daughters, by this time divorced & single parenting my own 6th grader's. So I will take your suggestions to heart & attempt to educate myself about this thing. I have never heard the chemical changes you've spoken of, but obviously there must be some happening or the physical, cognitive & emotional reactions couldn't be explained. I am tired, pain rising from typing and thinking, so it is time to take a heating pad break & rest this weary body. Again, Thanks so much for all the loving help & reflective mirroring observations of my own insight. I don't choose to see them as often as I need to until I have permission from outside myself. Always in the Spirit of, Love, Light, Truth & Service, Stubborn" TerrieAnn / ralop Posted on 08/09/12, 01:30 pmReply #5 - 08/09/12 1:24pm Thanks for the replies,they are so helpful in many ways. I guess as long a I keep myself in the dark, I will stay in the dark, this part of my denial skills of, " selective-denial upon demand." My quote, & I am proud of it! I learned all I could & even took a professional week of education in the treatment of Alcoholism, with professionals from all around the world, here at the world known, "'University Of Utah's School on Alcoholism & Other Drug Dependencies," when I was beginning my journey into sobriety. Even pulled an, "A," out of the course with only a Junior H. Sch. education, & I really hadn't been educated since end of 6th grade. Not much to work with, but I found am not stupid, just ignorant, & was welcomed back to the world of education by the director himself. I remember running around that 3rd year of sobriety with the new understanding of some of the damage my experiences have given me, but also the strength I have in spite of them. Hence part of the reason for the lovingly given nick-name of, "Stubborn." My Deaf best friend at the time gave me the ASL Sign Name. I took my paper written for the University course to her, with the, "A," on the top right corner & the wonderful personal note from the director to her with the question of whether I was college material, & should I follow my dreams. She and all the others I handed the paper to told me it was not just good, it was better than most of their college students they were instructing at the time. I, of course, being 'damaged material,' let this reality sink in deeper until I found a place where I experienced immense shame & emotional turmoil. I did not deserve the grade. I couldn't even talk myself into it, and hit a P.T.S.D. / emotional / sensory memory reality, which was normal back then when I had these kinds of self-revealing experiences. I did go back to school attempting a degree, but was forced by life & some of my ignorant choices, to quit., & make $ to support myself & 2 daughters, by this time divorced & single parenting my own 6th grader's. So I will take your suggestions to heart & attempt to educate myself about this thing. I have never heard the chemical changes you've spoken of, but obviously there must be some happening or the physical, cognitive & emotional reactions couldn't be explained. I am tired, pain rising from typing and thinking, so it is time to take a heating pad break & rest this weary body. Again, Thanks so much for all the loving help & reflective mirroring observations of my own insight. I don't choose to see them as often as I need to until I have permission from outside myself. Always in the Spirit of, Love, Light, Truth & Service, Stubborn" TerrieAnn / ralop