PTSD Barbie
This new and improved puppet show in my head seems be getting louder and more raucous. Not to worry, my friends from the PTSD forum. I amnae mistaking any of you for the puppets in my head. It be a strictly personal psycho snot knot. I am plying tools from my psychotherapy toolbox to separate the trigger from the trauma. This journal entry is the part where I get it straight in my broken brain that none of you were present in the long done trauma sequences being triggered by ? ? ? The very question I am exploring. . . I am only trying to heal my own strictly personal hurts.
This particular psychotic puppet show in my head seems to have Gloria Steinem as the script director. Gloria Steinem disciples were prominent among the kiddie whorehouse Janes. Their place in the "Sex Education" program my parents implemented was confusing beyond belief. Still is, even though few members of the current generation of that legacy have ever heard of Gloria Steinem, similar to how few contemporary Aetheists know when they are quoting Frederich Nietzche. In the middle 60's when I was coming into age, Gloria Steinem was a household icon. Whatever the evers of those whats, I am still waiting for that bi-sexual education to liberate me. I quit holding my breath while I wait several decades ago. Settle your accounts with my parents on the way out, my empowered Jane. Yea, your perversity is equal to a John's. Congrats. I got it, Janey. Never forgive. Brass ovaries out. Saluting with middle finger, Cunt. Faster is better for getting ye gone.
Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. Hope healing happens here.
For now, I am working to contain the psychotic triggers of Big Sis's intense femininity. How cruel is it for these bygone trauma to be invading the gift of peace which still seems to be growing in our little ship of fools? 'Tis enough to trigger my oughtism. I oughta be grateful for The Happily Everafter and let the rest go. Oughta, schmoughta, illytaughta. . . Life is as life is, not as *I* would have ^it^.
More rapid cycling. . . Leaving the mood icon at the median and letting Old Gnarly lead the dance.
I took the PTSD forum off my newsfeed again while I continue my work to sort the trigger from the trauma. Works in progress. Strictly personal. Reminding myself frequently that the puppets in my head arenae real women. *They* are *just* my strictly personal psychotic delusion. Sorting. . .
Replies
Oh my dear friend, I know too well what you are saying. My flashbacks often come the same way, not strictly in a timeline but snarled up with my child’s conception of what the hell was going on. I’m pretty sure Gloria Steinem never imagined how her doctrine could be twisted to include innocents, same as Jesus and allah or whatever the belief system is.
Personally I loved it when my daughters were girly, it was a childhood I could have only dreamed of for myself. It didn’t last long, they ended up hating pink, barbies and holly hobby, but at least they had the choice. But now I am a bit triggered too when I see other lil girls in that stage cause I miss my girls so much and they grew up and rejected the defected mother I was. At least they’re doing ok without me, so I must have done something right.
You know I wonder sometimes why we can’t just forget the past and live in the moment. I hate the writhing snakes of memory and regret in my brain. Healing hopes for you too hon. You’re doing good.
"Sexual liberation" was the mantra of the pedophile who sexually assaulted me and the four other elementary school boys and girls he preyed upon when we were 10 year olds. That was back in 1968, at the height of the peace and love 60s revolution, a year before Woodstock. Anybody who didn't go along with this pedophile's "sexual liberation" at my school was a square.
Fortunately, I fought him hard, even though he was an adult twice my size. I somehow had the good sense not to buy into how "liberation" had to come at the expense of my mind, soul, and body. When I turned to my missionary family for healing they turned on me, too. Thankfully a gay church member at our church explained to me what the difference between a pedophile and sexual liberation, whether homosexual or heterosexual.
Now my next door neighbors happen to be the first gay couple in my city ever to be married. I'm straight, but I'm so thankful that there were normal, decent gay people around me like them to teach me what real sexual liberation was and what it wasn't, so I could get help for having been sexually assaulted by a liar using its name in vain. That pedophile who preyed on us elementary school kids died in prison. where his phony "liberation" deservedly eventually landed him.
Yea, I donae believe it is possible to have A Solution so Wise that it willnae eventually grow to become The Problem. According to my Teachers in the Sexual Liberation of the 60's, I am the freest person on Earth. I am far more comfortable calling ^it^ Hyper-sexual psychosis, even now that my fuck parts is broke from all the scars of the Child Liberation Front. By the time I was old enough to understand the words, "Sexual Liberation," I was one over-educated little girl. . .
Hope healing happens here.
On the wonders of raising Little Girls, Big Sis would be my first experience with the phenom. I gave birth to only sons. Army Boot Camp was my Finishing School. My paid career was in computer engineering and construction. You donae wanna know what happened to the Gloria Steinem disciples who attempted to peddle political corrections my job sites. . . Girlie girl isnae my most developed dialect. Not even with Empowered Barbie.
Sorting. . .
Wish the three of you had not had your lives so impacted by the teachings of one woman. Support and prayers.
It wasnae *One Woman," Simpson. Women are well represented in my child sex trafficking trauma and several sets of etceteras after I escaped the kiddie whorehouses. There isnae a bone in my being which can embrace the feminine victim stereotypes. Nature is full of examples of the females being the far more dangerous predator. In a perfect world, that is a good thing. One of the safest spots in Nature is the tail end of a real, four-legged bitch. Most of what gets called, "Bitch" is an insult to female canines. I prefer, "Cunt" for the stereotypical two-legged bitches.
So far, I am the only of 5 crew members on this little ship of fools who is aware of the current psychopations. Hubby knows something is up, but isn't prying. Our son died and left us with 3 orphans less than three months ago. There is a whole lot of psychopating going on and it kinda feels important to let that be okay for now. I return the favor of allowing him his privacy, as well. My goal here is to keep PTSD Barbie away from Big Sis's doll collection. She don't belong there. Does she? A four year old isnae ready for this psychosis any more than I was ready for the liberated Janes and their associates.
Sorting. . .
My Heart and Prayers are with You and All for the Highest Good where ever healing is needed.
Hugs, support and healing wishes, Arfie.
Much empathy though I wasn’t familiar with that experience, I am too going through my own “personal psycho snot knot”.
Listening and here for you my friend.