psychosis
it’s so fucking funny in that ironic sort of way- i mean, here i am, alone and awake at 3:00 in the morning, utterly terrified and erratically over analyzing my life and reality. or really, the consciously loose grasp i have on reality. no, no- i live too much in my mind, in a world- a stage, a story; that i (among others) have conjured up. hearing is tuned so finely that in the dead of night, you can hear the house breathe. “seeing” (or my version of it anyway) is so broken and distorted- i can hear far too much to make up for my vision. it seems that all my senses and perceptions of reality and myself are distorted and warped to some degree. but again, the more you try and analyze and observe, the quicker they slip by. it has gotten to the point where your own eyes deceive you- either with small flashes and glimpses at some unnamed (theory), or a full blown belief- (which usually is accompanied by horror or extreme morbid curiosity) of anything. more than likely darkness. the unknown. which in turn, explains the need to analyze everything possible- to make it mean something. which then, presents the fear of the unknown. but to that degree- that assumption is somewhat untrue: i may fear the unknown, but the desire and need for knowledge only pushes the exploration of the unconscious completely off the map, to where you have fallen into this contradictory state- that all your perception is an utter lie, and the cause for your downfall was yourself and your prevention of it. every aspect works in turn, a giant circle; rotating in constant motion all around you. a mandala- a protective covering that envelopes you like a blanket or a blindfold from the truth. or lack of it. but once this has been shed, you start to see and recognize it everywhere- the circular pattern that the universe seems to follow. with the covering gone, you see things as they truly are in their own light, and in turn you are exposed. without this layer, you are damned. nothing you do can bring this protection back, and you are forever cursed in seeing your world (or the world that you created) for what it really is. and through that, you will repeatedly unveil the truth and its horror around your life and who you really are, in retaliation to the previous unveiling. you will discover that you are still stuck in this rigid circle, forced to repeat yourself for infinity. you switch back and forth from God: the ultimate creator, to the humans you cultivated and manipulated, and then to Lucifer- “bringer of light”, where you will suffer and wander as the ultimate aspect of evil. in the end, it is alway the same person, no matter the position; doing what they believe (and perceive in their current mind) to be right. “we are all gods, we are all monsters.”
it is with this knowledge under your belt that you will pose the question: “how could i possibly continue to be a functioning member of society? why should i even open my fucking mouth to speak when i know that talking about it will usher more demons into my wake?” a general question of “why should i even bother when i know how it ends? if it ends?” (which unfortunately, it doesn’t) so bring on the darkness. you can’t rattle me more than i already am (see also “you can’t push me any further”) so, with all of this said, where does that leave you? observing from the omniscient, analytic point of view- you begin looking “worse than usual.” you retaliate from all aspects of reality, you lose connections with people. you stop talking- because there is too much going on inside your head. (talking, whispers, conversations, arguments, and the music that comes with its own set of visual perceptions and demonstrates individual personas and souls.) along with this, there are these THINGS filling your head. fleeting thoughts, ideas, situations, theories, stories (real or not) all swirling around like a tornado., switching from light to dark- each with its own set of contradictions all tied together with a set of very real perceptions. your mind becomes a dangerously inviting place, and it is all too easy to lose yourself in it. however, if you had succeeding in immersing yourself inside it and it swallowed you up completely, you would have no idea whatsoever. it is such a terrible thing to have the basis of your world snatched from you and explained that it was a LIE. but as things amplify inside your head, other things that have been consciously swept underneath the rug are brought into the light. new, strange, and bizarrely appealing things are revealed and further explored and analyzed- poked and prodded like a science experiment. (you’re all just rats in a maze). at this, you begin to isolate yourself even further, too consumed at the grasp of your own mind. the ring that forever binds you to this endless illusion and whatever experiences (real or otherwise) you receive as a result.
i swear to god, one of the absolute worst things are the bugs. i can hear them among all the chatter going on. at the same time, there is silence, but i can hear them crawling around. the maddening creaking noise they make when they are digging around, scuttling across the walls. if i’m lucky, i will spot one. a real one. disgusting definition of filth, vile and loathsome cockroach. at this, i spazz, but somehow remain quite composed. as a child, i could pick out bugs on the ceiling and the walls. it irks me now because it seems that i see one (or several) out of the corner of my eye, and i turn to look, and they are gone. i never know for sure if i really saw it, or if it just quickly moved out of sight. regardless if one was present or not, i begin to see them everywhere. in textures of clothing, blended in to the damask pattern of my wallpaper, the popcorn of the ceiling. as i am silently hyperventilating, convinced one is in my presence, i try to take a step back and analyze this from another point of view. my actions seem quite foolish. the logical thing to do would be to pick up a shoe and kill the little bastard. the key element preventing me from doing this is the fact that before i see or hear them, i feel them. thousands of them, crawling beneath my skin. legs, arms, face, stomach- everywhere. their itchy little legs brushing past me. they have managed to invade my brain, clicking, scratching, pinching- driving me mad. i have tried scratching them out, taken a razorblade; utterly convinced that they had gotten under my skin. i understand that this is an act of hysteria, but i just can’t shake the feeling that they are burrowing inside of me, threatening to take over.
it is with this knowledge under your belt that you will pose the question: “how could i possibly continue to be a functioning member of society? why should i even open my fucking mouth to speak when i know that talking about it will usher more demons into my wake?” a general question of “why should i even bother when i know how it ends? if it ends?” (which unfortunately, it doesn’t) so bring on the darkness. you can’t rattle me more than i already am (see also “you can’t push me any further”) so, with all of this said, where does that leave you? observing from the omniscient, analytic point of view- you begin looking “worse than usual.” you retaliate from all aspects of reality, you lose connections with people. you stop talking- because there is too much going on inside your head. (talking, whispers, conversations, arguments, and the music that comes with its own set of visual perceptions and demonstrates individual personas and souls.) along with this, there are these THINGS filling your head. fleeting thoughts, ideas, situations, theories, stories (real or not) all swirling around like a tornado., switching from light to dark- each with its own set of contradictions all tied together with a set of very real perceptions. your mind becomes a dangerously inviting place, and it is all too easy to lose yourself in it. however, if you had succeeding in immersing yourself inside it and it swallowed you up completely, you would have no idea whatsoever. it is such a terrible thing to have the basis of your world snatched from you and explained that it was a LIE. but as things amplify inside your head, other things that have been consciously swept underneath the rug are brought into the light. new, strange, and bizarrely appealing things are revealed and further explored and analyzed- poked and prodded like a science experiment. (you’re all just rats in a maze). at this, you begin to isolate yourself even further, too consumed at the grasp of your own mind. the ring that forever binds you to this endless illusion and whatever experiences (real or otherwise) you receive as a result.
i swear to god, one of the absolute worst things are the bugs. i can hear them among all the chatter going on. at the same time, there is silence, but i can hear them crawling around. the maddening creaking noise they make when they are digging around, scuttling across the walls. if i’m lucky, i will spot one. a real one. disgusting definition of filth, vile and loathsome cockroach. at this, i spazz, but somehow remain quite composed. as a child, i could pick out bugs on the ceiling and the walls. it irks me now because it seems that i see one (or several) out of the corner of my eye, and i turn to look, and they are gone. i never know for sure if i really saw it, or if it just quickly moved out of sight. regardless if one was present or not, i begin to see them everywhere. in textures of clothing, blended in to the damask pattern of my wallpaper, the popcorn of the ceiling. as i am silently hyperventilating, convinced one is in my presence, i try to take a step back and analyze this from another point of view. my actions seem quite foolish. the logical thing to do would be to pick up a shoe and kill the little bastard. the key element preventing me from doing this is the fact that before i see or hear them, i feel them. thousands of them, crawling beneath my skin. legs, arms, face, stomach- everywhere. their itchy little legs brushing past me. they have managed to invade my brain, clicking, scratching, pinching- driving me mad. i have tried scratching them out, taken a razorblade; utterly convinced that they had gotten under my skin. i understand that this is an act of hysteria, but i just can’t shake the feeling that they are burrowing inside of me, threatening to take over.
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