Psycho

Well hello everyone...it's been a very long time since I've written a journal entry .....  I haven't been on much.  I was just going through and reading some of my previous journal entries...I sound like a crazy person.  I can't even believe how much I change my mind and change my life.  I have been just wanting to die lately.   I think about it a lot.  I know I would never take my own life - so hold the calls to 911 - but I just sit and think about my life and realize that I have failed and failed and failed, and see no point in being here. I gave in and got back with my husband...of couse, we all know..mistake.  We are staying with his brother right now because we are trying to buy a house.  I am thinking that maybe I have made a huge mistake.  I don't know what to do.  I am so torn.  I feel like I know what I need to do - leave him - but then again - I still love him...so I'm just confused. On top of that - I pretty much kicked my 17-year-old son out back in April because he got us evicted from our apartment for being crazy - loud music, throwing things, yelling, having people in and out....and he was just being so disrespectful to me and my girls.  I told him the only choice he had was to go live with his dad...well come to find out that he actually went to my sister's house -and she has had him since April.  She knew she could "change him" .... ya - like make him go to school, get a job, stop smoking pot...well.....got a call from my dad the other day - she had him drug tested - of course, positive, and not only that - he got my 14 year old nephew smoking pot now - so she told him he has til Saturday to get out...he will have to go with his dad an hour away.  I don't even know where he is right now.  I worry about him even though he has made me go crazy.  He told me I ruined his life, I'm not his mother...etc.  SOmetimes I just honestly dont want to go on.  I feel so much guilt and confusion that my heart can't take it.  I guess I will feel this way forever.  Maybe that's what I deserve.  Sorry for being down - but I guess that's what this site is for, right?