proof you never even tried to get it.
Re: How best to relate to someone who has CPTSD
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 10:34:13 AM »
Quote
I have a friend or two who have come from the same type of past I have, and they "get it", of course, because, well, they do.As for the "normal" people in my life who don't get it, I have found the ones who don't see life in terms of trying to fix others (namely, me) as the most helpful. Ones who I can be myself around, we share "real" time, with laughter, fun, but when the harder stuff comes up, they tend to empathize, listen, and support without throwing out the judgmental slogans, even though they might be how they operate. For example, after a very hard interaction with BPDmom, instead of the standard response "But she's your mu-theeeerrrrr..you need to forgive and forget. Life's too short.." they may say something more like, "wow. that was really shitty for your own mother to be so hateful. I don't understand people like that." Or ANYthing other than turning it back around on you..
Re: How best to relate to someone who has CPTSD
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2015, 12:04:54 PM »
Quote
Something a friend/loved one should DO:Be Patient. (This journey is long and arduous. C-PTSD sufferers will no doubt lose their patience with this diagnosis from time to time; if you can remain patient, you would be invaluably supportive.)Listen without judgement. (Be aware of your expressions and try to show compassion- never disgust.)Ask more questions than you offer opinions; be fully aware before you try to fix someone with something they're feeling.Mourn sadness, and refrain from anger. (You'll want to be angry for your friend's experiences, but lead the way to compassion with sincere sentiments of sadness for his/her losses instead.)DON'T:Don't Discourage ANY sort of feeling.(Complexities of C-PTSD include a lot of feelings having feelings about each other's existence, haha, which causes tension; remind your friend to experience each emotion through until the end of the emotion. Don't tell them they shouldn't be ______ Anything! Mad, sad, upset, happy, etc. Just continue to remind your friend to express his/her emotions when he/she wants to so that he/she may listen to his/her emotions and learn something from them.)Don't Take things personally.C-PTSD sufferers were hurt worst by those who were embedded in their support system; often their parents or other adults when they were only a child. They have difficulty learning who is not there to hurt them. Know that whatever your friend is dealing with came long before you arrived, and much of the hostility or hurtfulness that may arise is a product of something far beyond you. Remember that you are a good person, and you could not have placed the anger there. Try instead to stay understanding of the illness and avoid taking things personally until the individual can understand in time you are not there to hurt them, and that you are genuine in your support.So a sub bullet of that last piece of advice would have to be: don't blame the individual for not knowing your genuinely supportive. In fact, in doing so you're allowing the individual to feel the opposite.The "not taking things personally" is interesting to me, so I'll share how that came about:------My boyfriend who was not my boyfriend yet at the time, took news of my diagnosis and scoured the internet to learn how to best support someone with C-PTSD. (Notice that he looked for support for me at first instead of support for himself? Evidence that he is someone who is genuinely not here to hurt me, but I still have my struggles ... I mean, I also still have C-PTSD, lol.)Many months after he read up on C-PTSD he recognized something and admitted that he learned a great piece of advice online to "Not take things personally." That whatever I was dealing with came long before he came into the picture, and that much of my hostility that I might impose on him is a product of something much greater than himself.Because he learned that, he was less convinced by my pushes in my push/pull behaviors. It's not that I didn't say or do things to hurt him or push him away, but that he was able to attribute it to my disease and wait patiently for the storm to pass, which would come with so many apologies from me for doing so. His understanding that this was bigger than himself is what keeps him together, stable, and grounded, which in turns allows me to realize that he is an unconditionally supportive person in my life.It's very special to ask someone to do that, and I'd have to guess that only those who are securely attached can do this huge gesture. But it has been the single most vital piece of advice to someone close to me that has played such a huge role in my recovery.
A big thing with PTSD and CPTSD is control, and respect - both of which survivors weren't given nearly enough of, which is why we have CPTSD in the first place. So I notice that, whenever things get bad, I appreciate choices, options, requests instead of suggestions that are phrased like an order, a plan B if a situation turns out to make me too uncomfortable, etc.As for criticism and feedback about situations where he clearly flashed back: wait until the flashback is over. I think that's pretty safe to say.
Support
Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."
The support statement is meant to reassure them that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what they is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."
It is important not to tell them how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating her feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, they may feel that her feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.
Truth
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and their role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of either party. Often they may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that they are better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
Validation and Support Are Not Agreement
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that they are feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting them off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you and they are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 10:34:13 AM »
Quote
I have a friend or two who have come from the same type of past I have, and they "get it", of course, because, well, they do.As for the "normal" people in my life who don't get it, I have found the ones who don't see life in terms of trying to fix others (namely, me) as the most helpful. Ones who I can be myself around, we share "real" time, with laughter, fun, but when the harder stuff comes up, they tend to empathize, listen, and support without throwing out the judgmental slogans, even though they might be how they operate. For example, after a very hard interaction with BPDmom, instead of the standard response "But she's your mu-theeeerrrrr..you need to forgive and forget. Life's too short.." they may say something more like, "wow. that was really shitty for your own mother to be so hateful. I don't understand people like that." Or ANYthing other than turning it back around on you..
Re: How best to relate to someone who has CPTSD
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2015, 12:04:54 PM »
Quote
Something a friend/loved one should DO:Be Patient. (This journey is long and arduous. C-PTSD sufferers will no doubt lose their patience with this diagnosis from time to time; if you can remain patient, you would be invaluably supportive.)Listen without judgement. (Be aware of your expressions and try to show compassion- never disgust.)Ask more questions than you offer opinions; be fully aware before you try to fix someone with something they're feeling.Mourn sadness, and refrain from anger. (You'll want to be angry for your friend's experiences, but lead the way to compassion with sincere sentiments of sadness for his/her losses instead.)DON'T:Don't Discourage ANY sort of feeling.(Complexities of C-PTSD include a lot of feelings having feelings about each other's existence, haha, which causes tension; remind your friend to experience each emotion through until the end of the emotion. Don't tell them they shouldn't be ______ Anything! Mad, sad, upset, happy, etc. Just continue to remind your friend to express his/her emotions when he/she wants to so that he/she may listen to his/her emotions and learn something from them.)Don't Take things personally.C-PTSD sufferers were hurt worst by those who were embedded in their support system; often their parents or other adults when they were only a child. They have difficulty learning who is not there to hurt them. Know that whatever your friend is dealing with came long before you arrived, and much of the hostility or hurtfulness that may arise is a product of something far beyond you. Remember that you are a good person, and you could not have placed the anger there. Try instead to stay understanding of the illness and avoid taking things personally until the individual can understand in time you are not there to hurt them, and that you are genuine in your support.So a sub bullet of that last piece of advice would have to be: don't blame the individual for not knowing your genuinely supportive. In fact, in doing so you're allowing the individual to feel the opposite.The "not taking things personally" is interesting to me, so I'll share how that came about:------My boyfriend who was not my boyfriend yet at the time, took news of my diagnosis and scoured the internet to learn how to best support someone with C-PTSD. (Notice that he looked for support for me at first instead of support for himself? Evidence that he is someone who is genuinely not here to hurt me, but I still have my struggles ... I mean, I also still have C-PTSD, lol.)Many months after he read up on C-PTSD he recognized something and admitted that he learned a great piece of advice online to "Not take things personally." That whatever I was dealing with came long before he came into the picture, and that much of my hostility that I might impose on him is a product of something much greater than himself.Because he learned that, he was less convinced by my pushes in my push/pull behaviors. It's not that I didn't say or do things to hurt him or push him away, but that he was able to attribute it to my disease and wait patiently for the storm to pass, which would come with so many apologies from me for doing so. His understanding that this was bigger than himself is what keeps him together, stable, and grounded, which in turns allows me to realize that he is an unconditionally supportive person in my life.It's very special to ask someone to do that, and I'd have to guess that only those who are securely attached can do this huge gesture. But it has been the single most vital piece of advice to someone close to me that has played such a huge role in my recovery.
A big thing with PTSD and CPTSD is control, and respect - both of which survivors weren't given nearly enough of, which is why we have CPTSD in the first place. So I notice that, whenever things get bad, I appreciate choices, options, requests instead of suggestions that are phrased like an order, a plan B if a situation turns out to make me too uncomfortable, etc.As for criticism and feedback about situations where he clearly flashed back: wait until the flashback is over. I think that's pretty safe to say.
Support
Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."
The support statement is meant to reassure them that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what they is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."
It is important not to tell them how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating her feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, they may feel that her feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.
Truth
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and their role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of either party. Often they may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that they are better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
Validation and Support Are Not Agreement
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that they are feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting them off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you and they are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
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