Progress Report #1
Yep, that's right, there's been PROGRESS!
Grief and letting go... that was it. The solution to the whole problem of the recent spiral from grief into depression. The day I decided it was time to let go and begin, was the day the pain started disappearing. What I mean by that is that I forgave... forgave him and forgave myself. By letting go, I release the pain... the memories... accept them as being the past, and move FORWARD. Of course, the pain's not gone completely - I still have moments where I think about him (ok, lots of moments) and suddenly find myself crying again, but I'm feeling more positive, more hopeful in general too. The full moon is the final test, but already I can tell I'm not dwelling and hurting as much as I was last month when the full moon was coming...
Blood Pressure.... Since last Monday, it's been excellent, until today. And then something happened that directed me right to what the problem is... I'm having Panic Attacks! Everything's been was low... in fact, after biking this afternoon, my blood pressure was only 113/76 and that was only 10 minutes after having gotten off the bike. But this morning was a whole different story.... we had a thunderstorm at 10pm last night and I had to get up at 4am to watch my granddaughter. And so I was tired when she arrived and it was up a little (126/85) but ok... and then we started watching "Must Love Cats" since my granddaughter loves animals. It was interesting... they were showing Japan and it's Cat Cafes, and a Cat Train... and I got an idea for the lobby of my business, realized I even have all the supplies I need to start it. so I wrote it down, and BAM, anxiety hit. So I checked my blood pressure, and yep.... 156/126... and then I noticed I was breathing shallow, checked it again, and this time it jumped to 172/126. And as soon as I focused on deeper breathing, it dropped back down UNDER 140/90. So we went for a stroller walk down to the park - there was an arts festival going on - and when we got back, I checked it again, and it was low again. SO... I'm calling the doctor in the morning to ask about anxiety and medication for it, and to see if I can still boost up my training or if I'll have to pass on my entry this year....
And the business.... so why the panic attacks? Because I'm ready to get the financing. And the thought of quitting my job... risking my house... failing.... yep, that's it, FEAR. So I've gotten in 2 walks (for a total of 3 hours) today and went for an hour long bike ride tonite (an easy bike path in town). And I'm calm again... and so I just printed out my plan to do the final tweaking tomorrow at work when it's quiet - breaking it up into baby steps and still moving forward...
And the final fear I need to get through is being self sufficient. You know... I was all along, but I guess I just had to go through the "I don't wannas" and the "I want someone to take care of me" before I began to step forward. You know, I even got through the "That's not how it was supposed to happen" stage today... It was a very good weekend. Yep, PROGRESS. LATER!
Grief and letting go... that was it. The solution to the whole problem of the recent spiral from grief into depression. The day I decided it was time to let go and begin, was the day the pain started disappearing. What I mean by that is that I forgave... forgave him and forgave myself. By letting go, I release the pain... the memories... accept them as being the past, and move FORWARD. Of course, the pain's not gone completely - I still have moments where I think about him (ok, lots of moments) and suddenly find myself crying again, but I'm feeling more positive, more hopeful in general too. The full moon is the final test, but already I can tell I'm not dwelling and hurting as much as I was last month when the full moon was coming...
Blood Pressure.... Since last Monday, it's been excellent, until today. And then something happened that directed me right to what the problem is... I'm having Panic Attacks! Everything's been was low... in fact, after biking this afternoon, my blood pressure was only 113/76 and that was only 10 minutes after having gotten off the bike. But this morning was a whole different story.... we had a thunderstorm at 10pm last night and I had to get up at 4am to watch my granddaughter. And so I was tired when she arrived and it was up a little (126/85) but ok... and then we started watching "Must Love Cats" since my granddaughter loves animals. It was interesting... they were showing Japan and it's Cat Cafes, and a Cat Train... and I got an idea for the lobby of my business, realized I even have all the supplies I need to start it. so I wrote it down, and BAM, anxiety hit. So I checked my blood pressure, and yep.... 156/126... and then I noticed I was breathing shallow, checked it again, and this time it jumped to 172/126. And as soon as I focused on deeper breathing, it dropped back down UNDER 140/90. So we went for a stroller walk down to the park - there was an arts festival going on - and when we got back, I checked it again, and it was low again. SO... I'm calling the doctor in the morning to ask about anxiety and medication for it, and to see if I can still boost up my training or if I'll have to pass on my entry this year....
And the business.... so why the panic attacks? Because I'm ready to get the financing. And the thought of quitting my job... risking my house... failing.... yep, that's it, FEAR. So I've gotten in 2 walks (for a total of 3 hours) today and went for an hour long bike ride tonite (an easy bike path in town). And I'm calm again... and so I just printed out my plan to do the final tweaking tomorrow at work when it's quiet - breaking it up into baby steps and still moving forward...
And the final fear I need to get through is being self sufficient. You know... I was all along, but I guess I just had to go through the "I don't wannas" and the "I want someone to take care of me" before I began to step forward. You know, I even got through the "That's not how it was supposed to happen" stage today... It was a very good weekend. Yep, PROGRESS. LATER!
Replies
First, I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself monitoring your health, going for walks and talking to your doctor about some extra help. One of THE single best moves I made for myself was to go on anti-depressants post divorce. Sometimes we just need that extra help.
Dysfunctional and abusive relationships result in creating doubt in our own abilities. It takes a lot of effort to work through them and get to the other side. It sounds to me like you are doing just that and \'getting there\' little by little, step by step and day by day. Keep on going!