Progress in Baby Steps

I've lost 10 lbs, joined an exercise group which I attend 2 or 3 times a week.  I only knew one person before I joined and she is hardly ever there.  That serves 2 purposes--resistance/aerobic workout plus some social interaction.  I tend to be a bit of a loner and this forces me to face an uncomfortable situation head on. I love it and hate at the same time.! I hope I can keep it up--I had a mild anxiety attack on the way to the group the other day.  I'm learning to breathe often and deep (good for the health, eeh?)  Eating less, making a few better nutitional choices.  I still have carb cravings but not nearly as bad.  I still give in but only 2 times a day and what I allow myself is limited.   I'm beginning to realize and accept that I can no longer hide my problems from myself.  And I'm starting to be more open about my flaws with a few co-workers and a few friends. I know it's only a matter of time till everyone on the planet knows about my emotional/mental issues (the 40 pounds I need to lose is a bit obvious) . I'm taking looking to God for wisdom & guidance, taking Dr's advice, taking my meds, seeing Psych less (making progress--yay) and seeing a therapist while I learn to accept what I've known but avoided until recently.  I have known what my problems are (but not the labels) and known most of the solutions already - my T is surprised at that.  It's my resistance to allow myself to be vulnerable, to be visibly broken, to hurt or to feel for my own needs since I vowed at age 11 or 12 to never allow myself to be hurt by anyone again.  Since then, I have not allowed myself to be fully human. Until January 2008, I only allowed myself to be strong physically, emotionally and mentally.  I worked on perfecting my ability to block or turn off both physical and mental pain.  Turning off emotional pain was harder and not complete. Weakness or vulnerability was not allowed (even if I was sick or had surgery). If I hurt, I couldn't show it or if I did, VERY briefly (usually in the form of anger) until I gained control again.  I trusted no one.  (I'm a sick pup, ehh?) Until I met my husband and knew him awhile.  It took many years for me to learn allow myself to fully trust him.  He is a rare one (tried by fire for 36 years).  I feel the knot in my middle while I write this--how did I get this way and what is it that plagues me? The good thing is I can now admit all of this and I'm ready to face myself.  I knew that to admit all of this would cause a crack in my center of "granite", admitting there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed.  To fix it would mean asking for help which obviously, I couldn't do by myself.  During my whole life, I have rarely, hardly ever, asked for help.  I had to be desperate because something was absolutely impossible to be done by myself or because it was necessary for the benefit or safety of my children.  So, although I obviously have a long way to go, I've already made it part-way down the road to wholeness.  I'm thankful to God, to my husband, friends and my DS family for love, encouragement, support and acceptance.