Progress at Last
When I joined DS late last year I was at a particularly low point. I was away on holiday and it hit me that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, I was walking on alone. Darryl felt very absent and I felt very alone. Given that I was approaching the third anniversary of his death this knocked the wind out of my sails. I thought I would never come good, never feel normal again.
I had a bad day just last week and cried and called his name yet again. I cannot say I have ever really felt his presence, yet my son tells me he senses that his father is here in this house that he never lived in. And I do feel that it is still the two of us. Given that we were married for thirty five years and together for forty this is not particularly surprising. Memories are etched into my heart, imprinted on my retina.
The good news is that a shift has taken place. Maybe it was because my mother's ill health took up some of my time. Perhaps it was just that the effort I had made to join in this community here began to bear fruit. It could be that I have finally accepted that it is okay to have bad days.
Whatever! My units of time have been filling up and I have been busier and engaging with the world again, not as Heather of Heather and Darryl, but as Heather, with people who never knew Darryl.
I am a writer and like to do pencil drawings. My pencil drawings help me express things I cannot put into words. While Mum was ill and in rehabilitation I did a lot of drawings. I used a Tarot pack on a daily basis to prompt me. Tarot is simply another way of telling the human narrative and I found the daily reading, from the single card I pulled out, a very good vehicle for expressing many of the feelings that I have had locked up.
So I am inching forward. It has been a long path but at last I am feeling a greater sense of peace.
I had a bad day just last week and cried and called his name yet again. I cannot say I have ever really felt his presence, yet my son tells me he senses that his father is here in this house that he never lived in. And I do feel that it is still the two of us. Given that we were married for thirty five years and together for forty this is not particularly surprising. Memories are etched into my heart, imprinted on my retina.
The good news is that a shift has taken place. Maybe it was because my mother's ill health took up some of my time. Perhaps it was just that the effort I had made to join in this community here began to bear fruit. It could be that I have finally accepted that it is okay to have bad days.
Whatever! My units of time have been filling up and I have been busier and engaging with the world again, not as Heather of Heather and Darryl, but as Heather, with people who never knew Darryl.
I am a writer and like to do pencil drawings. My pencil drawings help me express things I cannot put into words. While Mum was ill and in rehabilitation I did a lot of drawings. I used a Tarot pack on a daily basis to prompt me. Tarot is simply another way of telling the human narrative and I found the daily reading, from the single card I pulled out, a very good vehicle for expressing many of the feelings that I have had locked up.
So I am inching forward. It has been a long path but at last I am feeling a greater sense of peace.
Replies
This is wonderful news! Congratulations on finding yourself again and finding some peace within. It is a little depressing to know that I will still feel sad after 3 years but then again, it is good to know the reality of this grief process. Continue to grow and I wish you the best as you move forward. Hugs...Nancy
It is a bit disconcerting to have found that it has taken so long. It is not automatically the same for everyone Nancy. I think I suppressed feelings for so long, tried to mask some of the pain and you cannot get away with that. It simply has to come out. Now I see tears as a sign that residue grief is shifting from little places where it has made itself comfortable.
I t is 3 years for me too. I avoided grief for so long trying to not feel the pain and I think you are right eventually have to go there no matter how long it takes. I am having a difficult time and I hope one day it is going to be better. I am glad you have found some peace. Hugs!!!
I am so glad for you that you have turned a corner. It\'s kind of odd how it can sneak up on us. I am still hiding in the work on the house. I keep busy, but am still so lonely. I need to work on that. Keep up the good work, you give the rest of us hope. Hugs Jane
I am so glad that you have turned a corner. It does give those of us following you hope and we can learn from what you have learned and from what you are saying. It is O.K. to have bad days. I think they are going to happen no matter what. It does not mean that we have not had any progress at all. They are just what they are. Bad days. Good days will follow. I have had a few of them too.
Thanks Jane, Peggy and Beasely. I will not pretend that everything is honky dory. I have some very bad days and I am lonely. Now, when I feel really lonely I remind myself to get out and actually go and be with people. Volunteering at the Charity Store has given me somewhere to go and be with people. It has been a battle but at least I feel I am making progress.
I\'m so happy for you. It has been a long painful journey. It\'s such a relief when the agony eases a little. We still have miles to go but it\'s a blessed day when we finally believe we will make it. And it\'s so good when the colour and sound return to our world. My mantra is no longer. \"Fake it till you make it\" I cried my eyes out the other day while listening to someone sing, \"It\'s a beautiful world\" Not because it isn\'t but because in spite of everything I have been through that\'s still true.
Dean Martin singing Goodnight Sweetheart has just bought tears to my eyes so I know what you mean. This time the tears are not quite so shattering. I have come to treasure them. They mean Darryl is still very much alive.
I\'m glad to hear you are making progress. It\'s a long hard road we\'re traveling.
Heather,l honestly accept whatever comes my way these days,l don,t care if its a few weeks or years into the future,l accept that l will always miss and want Frank back.lf l have a good day,fine,lf its a bad day,thats fine to,l can,t carry on forever worrying when l wake up lf today will be a good or bad day,l go with whatever happens.
This is life Heather,and death is part of it,l think when we lose someone we forget this,like its a big shock to the system because its happened to us,but it happens to everyone,we are all impermenant.
l.m glad you are moving on,and l,m glad your son can feel his dads presence around him.l think this is how we comfort each other.When it was my wedding anniversry the other day,l was touching Franks picture,l do this everyday,but this day,my fingers just started to tingle,strange,like he was brushing my hand,l also accept that these things happpen,l don,t question anything anymore,and do you know why,because no one has the answers to grief,we all have to find our own comfort in whatever comfort these is left in this world.Sometimes my tears are a relief and l welcome them,imagine what it would feel like if we did,t cry,we would be like robots,but we have all these emotions and we feel them,its part of being human.
Hope your well,love the new photo,take care,hope your mother is fine too.
Alice
I love your photo, Heather - I\'m glad to read this post. Yes, as a disclaimer, we all know that the roller coaster is still there. But the corners we turn are valid and real. Any time I can see, and appreciate something for what it is, just that - I thank G-d I can do so, that there\'s life in this body. Hugs, Marsha
Yes!!
It just takes the time that it takes. we can\'t hurry it and the best we can do is strive to accept and understand that it\'s a sad time and know that there is hope for more joyful days some time in the future:)