Progress...

I was again sliding into a bit of a funk recently. While others I was reconnected to (in one way or another) were updating me  they were clearly at a much better place and point in their lives with all sorts of amazing changes.  To be fair, I did have some good news too, but also much adjusting, sadness and loneliness. 

One in particular has also been through an awful lot and has told me it is unbelievable at the difference from where she used to be. I am truly happy for her.  For some odd reason, it did hit me hard. I am thinking perhaps it is the dysfunction in me that often causes me to step back and observe. As I see what seems like the rest of the world moving forward, taking steps and most do acheive the normal average things but I do not (or should I say have not-- yet anyway)

I think it comes back so easily because I was taught to be a good girl... always polite and curteous-- never bother others (handle my problems myself and always make it seem sunshine and light... never lead anyone to question the "normalcy" of our screwed up family. )   This would lead to insecurity and questioning my worth. 

It is hard to explain, but it seems there is this invisible measuring stick that I always pull out. It is like I have to compare and measure where I am as opposed to others. ( I can remember early days in first counseling. It was when I went into a fairly new treatment program started by Caron Counseling for Adult Children Of Alcoholics.  It was there  I learned the roles and functions in a dysfunctional family to appear "normal" to the rest of the world.  But  as all that knowledge did unfold, it seems that measuring stick appeared as well. )

Just as we are always harder and less easier to forgive ourselves, it seems we are trying to measure and "catch up" with the real world (that "healthier " one we perceive anyway) Or maybe I should say that I am?

Right now I need to put that stick away (quite frankly I do have an idea where to "stick it". LOL) I am taking care of things slowly but surely. I have my original contractor lined up to redo my roof as well as the touch up work inside the insurance is covering .  I have another avenue in mind for the decks to check into and have scheduled the sleep study for next week. Initial consult went very well so is a definite relief. 

I spoke with a neighbor this morning as she and her pup were outside when I came home. It was the first we spoke for awhile updating each other.  She was very happy to hear I had ventured to Colorado and found a new friend and I did get a big bear hug.  (She was very aware of the rough time I did have with Dave and did encourage me when I did start the divorce)  She was all smiles and I did share how I have been on here more often than not and found encouragement and compassion otherwise I would not have lasted this long as I have felt so alone.   I did thank her for that hug... It was the first one I have had since Colorado.  

It is very funny to be reminded that we are ALL HUMAN and need to feel that touch, understanding and to be loved. Lord knows I do.