Productivity...an ongoing theme for me
Ugh, boy there are days when it feels like the universe is conspiring against me (which I know isn't true). We're desperately trying to get out of the house and get it fixed up for sale. Every day is like missing a buyer. But now I seem to have a tooth infection - I'm seeing the dentist this afternoon. So I'm feeling really fatigued from the pain and not really being able to eat. Plus because of this I didn't wear my jaw device last night for my sleep apnea, so I'm just freakin' tired. I am so frustrated/mad/ashamed because I was so looking forward to a productive weekend w/o distractions! And my partner says he's woken up with a sore throat. Ugh indeed. I feel like "normal" people are able to get so much done, e.g. my neighbors who have completely revamped their backyard in a matter of days. It takes me a week to do a flippin' flower box. I wonder What's the Matter With Me? Then I see our neighbors on the other side, who have to pay someone to mow their lawn - I think they both deal with depression. But I hate that I end up with this shame of the "compare and despair" game with neighbors. So many of them can do their own electrical, pour their own concrete, frame studs, yadda yadda. Two have made their withering comments about how we hire people to do such things. Good lord. I just don't have the knowledge...or energy...or bravery...wish I did. But I wonder if we'd better get it if we are really trying to build a house - because the more we can do ourselves, the less "house poor" we'll be. But sometime I feel like my anxiety and depression are a borderline disability - because all it takes is a stupid tooth infection and a bad night's sleep to knock me off my feet. UGH. Will this EVER get better? I know it will. It gets better every year. It just doesn't feel like it somedays. And it's just all taking WAY TOO LONG. And now I fee like a whiner... I NEED TO PUSH ON. For my OWN sake. Sometimes activity just makes things better, gets things going. Even though I know that I need to be gentle with myself. Finding that balance is so hard to find, particularly for us incest surviors I figure. And so I'm going to get the sheetrock to mud two small holes in the hallway. And to do that, I need to get rid of the spider above them with I just saw this morning, and that's my own true phobia. BUT I CAN DO IT. If anybody happens to read this, wish me luck! (and I'm always open to feedback)
Replies
I hope you can see the dentist soon and your mouth is feeling better.I am hard on myself too.Comparing ourselves to what others can do will only make us feel worse.I think we need to congradulate ourselves for even getting out of the bed somedays..i do the same thing though.I don\'t work(I\'m on disability for the depression) I have all day to get things done and still they don\'t get done.Oh well i do my best and I\'m working on being ok with that.Its so hard though so I know what your going through.Feel better soon.hugsxxxx
Wow that\'s sad how obsessed your neighbors are with silly things like a lawn. Do you think Martin Luther King Jr mowed his own lawn? What a ridiculous thing to judge someone for. obviously your neighbors have some real inferiority issues that they need to relieve by making everyone else think that having nice lawns and such is what makes one a worthwhile person.
That said, if I were in your position, I\'m sure I would be totally freaking out about their opinions. You are doing a much better job than I would be. At this point, since the ptsd onset, I get terrified at the slightest little possibilities of anyone being upset with me. it\'s totally exhausting, and when you think about all the things that become huge to me that normals just shrug off, it makes sense that I\'d be exhausted. Life is just harder for me than them. But I can get better at it. I can survive without freaking out so much. I can tell myself its going to be ok.
I also wanted to assure you that even regular people can lose a day to toothache and no sleep,so don\'t feel bad about that, although you are right that they dont deal with the depression and that makes their lives easier. It\'s like a race where we start way behind everyone else and then are expected to compete with them anyway.
I always wonder how others seem to be doing so much better than I am. I hate it so much because I think I should be farther ahead than I am at this point in my life. I have to remind myself that how things appear on the exterior is not necessarily how it really is for others.