Problems... Problems... Problems...

Sunday, November 8, 2009 - 9:55 AM   I have not been on DS lately due to a number of physical and psychological problems. Almost every time one problem seems to become solved, another one pops up. I would like to find a way to stop this cycle, but my therapists have told me that this may be going on for quite some time.   Dr. Martin, my psychologist, and I have both decided that it is time for me to work on my sexual abuse issues. She is aware that I have managed to sidestep this issue a lot during the time she has been working with me. I told her that I have begun having a lot of flashbacks and vivid memories of my abuse and abusers, and that all of this is beginning to drive me crazy. Although my suicidal tendencies are not as strong as they once were, they are cropping up now and then, which is not a good sign for me.   I have begun remembering that my abusers told me I was no good, never would be any good, and they were the only ones who would want to be around me. Dr. Martin, and Dale (my mental health therapist), have told me that abusers often tell their victims this. They also seem to feel that I have been brainwashed into believing it, as well as other negative things about myself.   Although I am beginning to believe Dale and Dr. Martin now more than I used to, I also know that I am not going to be able to change my thinking overnight. Something in my mind almost forces me to believe what I was told by my abusers.   Largely because of the deviant sexual acts, which I was involved in, I not only hate my abusers, but myself as well. I have gotten to the point where I have tried to punish myself in various ways, such as not taking my pain medication, or finding some way to hurt myself physically. Both of my therapists say this is a common reaction. It is something that we need to talk about in more detail.   I have begun having an increased amount of pain in my back, and this has now spread into my shoulders, neck, knees, and lower legs. My primary care physician has told me that I can increase the amount of pain medication I normally take in order to deal with this. He is also trying to get me back into some additional physical therapy, which we are both hopeful will help my overall situation.   The mental health clinic where I go now has a new director. I was told that within the past two weeks he has reviewed my case and expressed a concern to Dale about the fact that I am taking a narcotic for pain. He wanted to know how Dale wanted to proceed with this. Dale said he knew my doctor, who the new director also knows, and said that he felt they ought to go along with whatever he prescribed.   Dale told me that all of them agreed that they had no problem with my taking the medication primarily because they did not want me to have to suffer in pain. He also said that if I felt the pain coming on, I should take the medication right away, rather than waiting until the pain actually hits. He said that it would be easier to control it this way. I am not entirely happy with this idea, but I am willing to give it a try. Having gotten over an addiction to one drug (crack cocaine), I do not want to become addicted to another (Percocet). My primary care physician said that I would probably need to use this on a long-term basis. I am not too happy about that, but neither am I happy about having an almost unbearable amount of pain indefinitely.   If I am not on DS as often as I used to be, it is not because I have no time for my friends here. My therapists have said that I may need to cut back for a while in order to deal with more pressing issues such as the sexual abuse. I value the friendships I have made here, and thoroughly intend to continue with them, but for the time being, I may not be here as often as I would like. I hope that everyone will understand my situation and bear with me.  



Of course we will understand.

Having said that, we can also help with the sexual abuse issues. If you feel suicidal or need to de-program some of that brainwashing then DS is a wonderful place to do it.

I felt a great deal of physical pain that coincided with the emotional pain I was tapping into. I think yours is also complicated by your situation. I think you should take the drugs if they help.

Someone kindly pointed out to me that I should stop calling those who abused me \'my\' abusers. They are abusers, period. I\'m willing to bet that you were only one of the people abused by them. I know that you don\'t feel like you possess them by any means but it did help my brain shift a little bit towards feeling less guilt and shame by association.

You believe what you were told because you are human. I think we can all relate to the lack of self worth and lack of self esteem that abusers manage to instill inside of us. I am going to hope for you to see how valuable you are one day. I am proud to call you my friend.

Well, if you were going to make a chocolate cake, you would need some specific ingredients. Some of the ingredients would have to be the same in all flour or chocolate and shortening.
Now, there can be many variations or additions to the ingredients to this chocolate cake.
Still, no matter what....the end results would be said cake.

Everything you mentioned has been experienced by most or all of us that were sexually abused.
Everything you are feeling has been felt by most, if not all of us.
I am telling you this so it will be clear that if someone sexually abuses you.........the end results are the same.....
You are not the exception to the rule.
You are not a bad person even if you participated at some is all part of the violation that was perpetrated on you. You were violated in many ways.
This does effect your behavior. All that you have mentioned happens when you mix the ingredients of sexual abuse, violation of boundaries and negative brainwashing.... they almost always include negative brainwashing of some sort.
That brainwashing or conditioning is used to control us by stripping away our self esteem...hence we are more easily led into what you may feel is deviant behavior.
It also happens because it makes the abuser feel superior.
Plus he/she also gets to use another form of abuse on us which heightens the experience for him/her.

Suicidal thoughts are very common when dealing with sexual abuse recovery issues. I know many who have felt this way. I surely have and still do at times.
What you are going through is very hard.
It is confusing and pretty messy.
It will get worse before it gets better.
But, it will get better.

It will take a lot of repetition before you are able to open up your mind to what Dale and Dr. Martin are telling you.
First you understand it on an intellectual level.
Then, after chipping away at the effects of the negative brainwashing in a very diligent manner, you will be able to move the intellectual understanding to your heart of hearts. You will be able to integrate the truth into your
personal self.

Try and be as gentle as possible with yourself.

Think of the abuser driving a wagon, being pulled by many horses, which is going much, much too fast.
You are in the back of the wagon being jostled and bounced all over the place as you ride along.
The wagon is being driven much too fast for the safety of it\'s occupants.
Then, lo and behold...somehow the abuser gives you the reigns and convinces you to keep the wagon/abuse going in a very dangerous fashion.
The abuser jumps off the run away wagon and leaves the scene.
That is how abuse works, too.
They do it to us, then they find a way that makes us perpetuate the abuse by continuing to punish ourselves.
Hold on, Jim.
It sounds like you are a good situation with many great caregiviers.
This is a gift to you.
Your primary care giver seems to have your history in mind, but still has chosen to give you the painkillers that you need to give you a better quality of life.
Trust in the people that are helping your in this recovery process.
They will guide you through it.

It was good of you to come on DS and tell your friends what is happening to you.
Take all the time that you need.
We are forever friends.
We will be here when you need us.

Hi Jim, I hope things will work out for you. Take your time and take it one day at a time. All of your friends here will be thinking of you and wishing you well. We know you will be back on the site to keep us posted when you can. Many hugs-Stephanie


Hugs and Mojo

PS: \"I have begun having an increased amount of pain in my back, and this has now spread into my shoulders, neck, knees, and lower legs.\"

I would be willing to bet, and I think Sam could back me up, that this new pain you\'re having is the proof of your past burbling up.

And, all I ever heard from my dad as a child, teen and adult, is that I did or thought \'dumb things\'.

Do I strike you as that kind of person?

He had a bigot streak in him, and didn\'t know how to deal with people that didn\'t look or think or do things the same way he did.

And there are STILL times when I hear his voice in my head and want to cry like a 5 year old.

But, I just don\'t believe it anymore. The initial reaction can still send me into a mini-tailspin though.

Hugs and More Mojo